I wish I had spoken to one of you before my 10-year old started asking questions last year. I was more compulsive back then, felt I needed to engage in SI behavior for hours and hours in one day. This would go on for weeks and months. Sometimes, I'm not careful, when I put on my socks, he had caught a glimpse of the injury I had caused.
My partner has always maintained that you pass on information when they are age-appropriate being a teacher. But she's also put a lot of emphasis on telling children the truth in language that they understand, in language that is kid-appropriate.
Since I pick the skin off my right foot, it's not easy to give an excuse. It took me a long time to answer him because I certainly didn't want to pass on this habit to his life. Kids are young and very impressionable. I didn't have an answer so I told him I will explain later because we don't have time right now.
After a few weeks, when I saw him getting out-of-control mad and furious at his biological parent for blowling him off again, I saw him hitting his head or his fists on the wall. I talked to him about what I'm going through.
I didn't go into elaborate details, but I told him that his feelings were valid. He should be angry and he is entitled to stay angry for awhile. I understand how he feels and how he can't process his anger, pain and frustration.
I briefly shared the story behind what he saw briefly when I was wearing my socks. I explained to him that I am also struggling with being kind and loving to myself.
I then moved on to quickly sharing about practicing self-control and restraint. I also touched on expressing our anger and frustration in other ways that will not bring hurt or pain to ourselves. I also show him that I've been working hard at this, and showed him my progress of healing at that time.
Everytime he feels out of control, my partner and I gently remind him to write about his emotions, talk to us, talk to his therapy, go outside and hit his wood with hammer and a chisel, we're planning to get him a punching bag, etc. I only had that one conversation with him about my struggles and he has not brought it up since then.
I also see a change in him as he is not hurting himself as much anymore when he is angry. He still has a difficult time talking about painful experiences but he is beginning to make better choices. As he sees me make better choices, he has learned that so can he.
By being honest, I allowed him to be honest about his feelings and frustrations with himself. It opened the door for us to talk about changing habits and behavior, changing thinking and practicing mindfulness. And as he saw my weakness and failures, he also saw my victories and strength. In turn, he is able to see that he too can manage his thoughts, emotions and behavior. I told him the truth, I'm not perfect and I struggle, and he related because that was real in his life as well.
I hope I did the right thing, honest to God. That one conversation has strengthen my resolve since the past year to not hurt myself. I need to for my sake and for his. I'm his role-model and I certainly don't want to not live up to my own expectations of myself and his. He needs me to be stable and emotionally there for him, so I work doubly hard each day to be healthy and stay healthy mentally.
If he was not 10 years old, I probably wouldn't have gone through any explanation. I would have just said my feet was dry and I needed to put some lotion. Yet since I saw the same struggle in his life, I used my experiences as a teaching tool, and I hope that is the impression he got. He already has so many issues, I wouldn't want to add another one to it!
Post edited by: AsianGoddess, at: 11/02/2011 12:01 PM
At least you'll be able to recognize the signs of SI if something did happen. Try to see your own experience as a positive to help your niece IF she ever goes down that path.
