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09/19/2011 05:30 AM

Depression and SI

peasha
peasha  
Posts: 1374
VIP Member

Hello everybody!! I wanted to start a discussion about depression and the correlation with SI. I have been dealing with both of these for many years and I am curious as to whether or not anyone here feels that their depression amplifies there SI behavior.

Personally I feel that it does because for myself, when I am down the urges are stronger.

Anyways I look forward to hearing what you all have to say on the subject.

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09/19/2011 07:19 PM
AgGhost1
AgGhost1Posts: 240
Member

Hi Peasha Smile Good topic. It has the potential for some long winded responses,lol.

Depression for me included a few different emotions. It's hard to condense over 10 yrs of it, so I'll keep it basic. Anger at myself for being weak, feeling hopeless, feeling worthless, feeling nothing even, were my main problems. Those things made me feel absolutely dead emotionally, incredibly flat, yet mentally heavy all the time, and I was suppressing every emotion that I had. Naturally I injured to replace more typical outward emotion. Depression covered my life so totally & deeply that pain actually felt good. I think we all know the feeling.... It allowed me to do what I did. If I didn't feel that deep heavy depression I never would've been able to do what I did to the level I did. It's sorta like the twilight zone where pain felt good, rather then bad like it should.

So yeah, depression was definitely a catalyst. It helped get the thoughts in my head, and to overcome my better judgment. It made nothing matter to me. Depression for me seemed to take or hide my feelings away, and injuring brought it back so that I felt something. So 1+1 = The worse my depression, the worse the wound to correct it, so that I could function day to day.

I hope that makes sense.

Post edited by: AgGhost1, at: 09/20/2011 03:19 PM


09/19/2011 11:28 PM
peasha
peasha  
Posts: 1374
VIP Member

AgGhost that makes complete sense to me. You actually described some things that I myself had a hard time trying to explain.

I know that most people who do resort to SI tend to have difficulties with depression. Does anyone else have depression troubles that amplify the SI?


09/20/2011 07:30 AM
fairyqueen
fairyqueen  
Posts: 1276
Group Leader

Hi Peasha - I definitely feel like my depression makes the urge to SI so much stronger. For me i feel so anxious and wound up inside that cutting feels good because the pain of it over rides the feelings of depression and anxiety. Its been 7 months since I self harmed but lately those urges are resurfacing. I think its because I have reduced my Zoloft and so the depression is rearing its ugly head again! It looks like I will have to up my dose again. I had hoped to wean off anti D's and lead a normal life but I think that just isnt possible for me. I feel so weak and pathetic at times. I just wish I could live my life without the help of medication. I think when I feel disappointed in myself its another reason to SI - a punishment for not being able to do what comes so naturally to everyone else!

09/20/2011 10:53 AM
AsianGoddess

I agree with you. Depression plays a big role whenever I hurt myself. And I still do, almost regularly but I do it less and less. I don't do it for hours on end anymore. Took me a few years to get here and have a long way to go.

When I'm depressed, I feel hopeless and I everything is colored with catastrophe and failure. I often think during a depression episode, "that I'm beat, what's the point, I will eventually fail anyway, so why prolong my suffering and stop struggling with my feelings?" But usually this is not the only emotion that overcomes and overwhelms me. I feel anxious. I worry about what my loved ones will feel, say and do if they catch me hurting myself. I worry about what kind of role model am I to my son - is this how I want him to deal with his struggles and stress? Then I move into self-pity mode because the cyle of giving in to unhealthy behavior causes me more stress than the reason I was stressing out to begin with. Then I feel remorse and regret and instead of motivating me to get up and dust myself off, I sometimes retaliate and lash out against myself and hurt myself even worse than I did before. The cycle continues on.

Until I break it. I've realized that oftentimes, my emotions are highly influenced by what I think and my beliefs. I can only change my behavior when I "change my thoughts and beliefs as well as make myself do what I don't feel like doing at that time." I fake it til I make it. The more positive activities I do, the more positive things I choose to see in myself, the more I highlight what I do right than what I do wrong - the more positive I feel about myself. I struggle each day to be my own cheerleader, my own best friend. Especially, since I don't have a lot of intimate friends, I find it difficult to be a friend to myself simply because I don't know how a friend interacts with me. If my depression and anxiety don't scare them, the Aspergers usually do the job for me. The social inappropriateness is a deterrent in making friends, sometimes more than if you were a criminal.

To complicate issues, what is really bothering us? Is there trauma that we are not facing? Is there truth that we don't want to deal with? Sometimes, the self-injury is a smokescreen to the emotions and the emotions are only masking issues we try to run away from like trauma and suffering.

We always have a choice. We can choose to manage how

we feel and filter how we think or we can let our emotions and distorted thinking control and manage us. It all depends on us, basically. And we, humans, are capable for great and not so great things.

The only way to alleviate suffering (my personal opinion only) is to allow ourselves to grieve and feel all the pain inside us, then we need to accept reality, let go of our attachments to the wrong priorities and forgive others/ourselves are short-comings while making the best of our situation. That's what I think.

Post edited by: AsianGoddess, at: 09/20/2011 11:00 AM


09/20/2011 06:30 PM
JadedBeauty

I agree with what's been said..

I too feel like my depression is linked to my SI, whenever I feel low, in the dumps, not wanting to deal with life, sometimes I end up numb.. Well most of the time.. And end up trying to make myself feel something, anything, and it usually ends up being pain, which feels good anyway..


09/20/2011 07:22 PM
Irishangel88
Irishangel88  
Posts: 4941
VIP Member

Oh yeah. Hell yeah. I only get the urges when i'm really down (depressed). And back then, I would only SI when my world crashed around my feet. So yeah, I do think depression amplifies SI.

09/20/2011 09:16 PM
peasha
peasha  
Posts: 1374
VIP Member

Fairyqueen- the fact that you are able to recognize the "signs" of your depression starting to get to high is amazing!! It took me YEARS to get to that point and you should be proud that you can see these signs and know you need to raise your meds. I used to feel the way you did aboufor me to take meds and I shouldn't feel ashamed of it. Be proud you can see these signs and know what you need to help you Smilet meds but now I can see that it's better

09/20/2011 09:33 PM
peasha
peasha  
Posts: 1374
VIP Member

We all seem to have depression as a common ingredient to our SI addiction.

09/22/2011 03:05 PM
thejazzlover
 
Posts: 96
Member

I completely agree with what's been said as well. As for me, my SI urges and behaviors definitely amplify when there is an increase of depression and/or anxiety.
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