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11/04/2010 02:10 PM

Are you kidding??!!(page 2)

fisforflute356
fisforflute356  
Posts: 35
Member

=[ stress tends to push my bipolar buttons, and thus tempt me to cut like a cruel mistress. high school students have a varied experience, and mine was that of stress. i never say "no" to any obligation. i always pile on more responsibilities, endlessly building my resume. sometimes tho, you've got to consider your sanity.

try to go easy on your dad. if he's been sick, sometimes being a jerk goes along with that.

i also used to be nuts about my grades. but, in the long run, grades only matter so much. when you go into your job interview, more matters on if the person likes you. and really, B's aren't completely horrible. it may seem so right now, but later, you wont even remember your high school GPA. when i graduate, i probably wont remember my college GPA. there are more important things... like your mental health, for one.

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11/05/2010 05:51 AM
slamm311
slamm311  
Posts: 7356
VIP Member

Don't worry if you post a long post. Rant away!! That's what we are here for Smile

I'm sorry your dad has been sick. I know when I am sick I get really cranky and take it out on my son and husband. It's not right and I hate that I do it, but do you think that's what's going on with him?

And I know what you mean about keeping busy. I'm always doing something just to keep my mind off of everything. Avoidance. It's a big issue that I am trying and failing to deal with. With me though it's bad. I drink to much to wash away the pain. I just can't seem to deal. I cannot wait to get into therapy in a few weeks! I need to rant to her some more. I've been coming out of my shell with her a lot lately. I need it right now, but she's out of town for two more weeks Sad

Gah sorry. I just turned this into a "me" session. Sorry!

Back on subject....I am glad you are trying so hard. It really shows. Keep it up sweetie!


11/05/2010 09:24 AM
Fallen
Fallen  
Posts: 644
Member

No it's really okay. We all need to rant sometimes. I don't mind at all Smile

No with my dad it's not just a cold or the flu. He has diabetes and kidney disease. he's dying. I know that's very blunt but I've excepted it. I hate it. I don't like it. He's an ass most days but he's my dad. He does care about me he just has a bad way of showing it. I wish I could save him. I wish I could take on everything he's going through. I wish he was happy. He's not. He just plays x-box and watches tv all day because he can't do alot of work without getting really sick. Helplessness is the worst feeling in the world. I look at him and know that he may not be here tomorrow. I have to be strong though. I have 5 younger siblings. Someone has to be strong and take care of them.


11/08/2010 05:31 AM
slamm311
slamm311  
Posts: 7356
VIP Member

Cassie I'm sorry you have to bear such a burden. I'm so sorry about your dad. Stay strong sweetie. You'll get through this!

11/08/2010 08:33 AM
Fallen
Fallen  
Posts: 644
Member

Thanks. So last night I was feeling really down for some reason. Again I don't know what triggered it. So I started talking to Jed and things were a little better. He told me to tell my parents and go back on depression meds..the problem: my parents think i cut and am depressed for attention. They think its a big joke. They'll blame Jed and tell me I'll be fine. Ugh! I want to go back on Anti-depressents and for me thats huge because I hated taking them. I felt like a crazy person. We're going to pick up some anti-anxiety pills (you don't need a prescription) because I kind of freak out when I want to cut and get depressed.

11/08/2010 10:53 AM
peasha
peasha  
Posts: 1374
VIP Member

Hi Fallen, I found that my entire High School years were just a royal mess that I personally would never want to have to experience ever again. I would cry, get angry, and then some days just be happy and it was just so random feeling to me that I was at a loss as to how and what was making me depressed and causing me to cut so much. I was cutting massivly all over the place. So much that I couldn't even hide it anymore and I was so upset with myself that I went and decided to get help cause I thought I was crazy.

I hate taking meds too, and during those years I was really against it. Now I have come to appreciate the help that they can give me. I too was going through a lot of stress and piled on all the extra work to keep my mind of stuff that I was literally doing the opposite of what I was trying to achieve. I overloaded my body and mind with extra stress to get rid of the other stress I didn't want to think about that it just through me into overload and totally whacked my mental state into "crazy" mode.

Only now have I been able to figure this out though. It may be that everything that you have come to accept and think you have a handle on really is bothering you on a level that you havn't even realized yet. You know what to expect and that you have responsibilities that your in need of maintaining, but somewhere your mind and body are trying to tell you that its not ok and its still bothering you. You can accept something, but still have it cause trouble with your mind and body. I personally had a family death just plaguing me in my high school years and when I finally realized that it was the grieving process that I just kept trying to skip that was making my emotions go haywire I was able to focus on that and now I am a lot better for it.

I couldn't change what had happened and knew that she was gone and accepted it, but emotionally I was still a wreck because I was trying to skip through the mundane emotions and move on before I was ready.

Not sure if any of that made sense, but is it possible that there are some emotions that your just ignoring because you already know the facts and are trying to prepare for whats going to happen instead of how you feel about your dads condition? Im pretty blunt too, and it sounds like your pretty similar when you describe your dad. The fact that you are able to accept that things are going to happen and are trying to prepare for them shows that you are strong enough to beat this. It takes real courage and strength to prepare for what your dealing with and the fact that your having trouble with your emotions doesn't mean that your not strong enough. Just that you are human too Smile You can do this.

Alicia


11/09/2010 08:50 AM
Fallen
Fallen  
Posts: 644
Member

Thanks and it did make sense. It's just easier if I let it go. "Stuff" the emotions, you know. I know it's not better for me. I've never been big on taking care of myself though. I take care of everyone else first. I make sure that everyone is okay. I try to fix their lives because it feels like I can't fix my own. Everything just seems so out of control all of the time. I'm the biggest hypocrite too. I'll tell people to worry about themselves and forget everyone else's problems when I can't. I just bottle up my feelings. The only time I let them out is at night. I cry myself to sleep or call my boyfriend, Jed, and bitch to him and just cry. He's there for me more than anyone else but I feel terrible for waking him up in the middle of the night or keeping him up so late. I just feel like he could do so much better. He could have anyone in the world; a girl without these problems; a girl that lets him get sleep and doesn't make him worry. It feels like I'm hurting him and I hate it so much.

11/09/2010 09:04 AM
tparham
tparham  
Posts: 50
Member

you need to put yourself first from time to time then worry about everyone else. You have to fuffill your needs first and make sure you are sastified with how you are doing things.

11/10/2010 08:35 AM
Fallen
Fallen  
Posts: 644
Member

I know, but I can't do that.
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