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05/04/2012 05:48 PM

Consumed by SI thoughts

skeptical
skeptical  
Posts: 1130
Senior Member

In the past five(?) years or so, I have cut very infrequently, not at all on a regular basis. More like an impulsive sporadic thing. Most recently I cut when I was in a severe suicidal depression. Talking about it in therapy led me to realize that it had not been my trend in the past to cut when so depressed, but rather when only mildly depressed, or even when swinging up into hypomania. I realize that when my mood is so low that I am thinking suicidal thoughts, I do not feel it is worth it to cut because if I were to cut it would only be to end my life, so I dont do it unless I am actually trying to kill myself. Plus, when I am that low, I do not feel enough to be upset by my depression, I think I feel so numb that I don't feel there would be any relief from cutting.

When I have tended to cut most severely and more frequently is when I am rising out of the deep depression and starting to feel emotions stronger, when it hurts more and I crave the blood etc etc. Also, when climbing up to hypomania I have cut alot in the past, maybe because I don't quite know how to handle the sudden improvement in emotional states? I don't really understand this. All I know is that I have been, and am currently, obsessed with blood and cutting, because of my recent cutting episode and the recent suicidality.

The last time I cut it was minor/moderate severity, but it was not enough to satisfy. Every day since I did it, I have been obsessively thinking about bigger deeper cuts and much larger volumes of blood.

Does anyone else feel what I am saying? I am not so sure I even know what I am saying here. I just think it is interesting that my cutting habits tend to emerge when I am NOT super depressed, but rather when coming out of the deepest depressions.

Anyone else tend to be this way?

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05/04/2012 06:16 PM
rxcandy
 
Posts: 5
Member

My cutting is very similar. I've heard it explained this way- when we are manic/cycling up or down we have the energy to self harm. With the extra energy, things also often seem worse than they are and we fixate on them. I know one of my worst sprees of cutting was after I had a fight with my ex while manic. I had the energy and passion of mania but I had the emotions of anger and depression. I also find that when I'm in the darkest depression I don't have will to hurt or kill myself- everything is just bleh.

05/04/2012 06:30 PM
pirateprincess421
pirateprincess421  
Posts: 31179
VIP Member

I tend to injure when I feel emotionally overwhelm such as after a fight or crisis. I haven't injure now in 4 weeks. I use my nails to make marks. I have only cut with razors and glass once or twice. I like seeing the blood and I actually have visions about it daily. Sometimes I have dreams about it too. I am not suicidal now, but I have thoughts about hurting myself.

05/06/2012 09:59 AM
skeptical
skeptical  
Posts: 1130
Senior Member

Rxcandy, now that you mention that, it does make sense that the worse cutting would happen when there is the extra energy. I have read/heard many times that often the biggest time of risk of suicide is when bipolars are swinging out of depression and into hypomania because they get the energy, if you will, to go through with it.

05/08/2012 01:03 PM
rxcandy
 
Posts: 5
Member

skeptical, I've heard that too. I know it's definitely true for me.
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