Self Harming Bipolars Online Support Group

A few weeks ago I was unable to reach my therapist. She left my doctors practice and is now independent with no secretary, so I was calling her cell to set up appts. I'd seen her a few times since that happened a couple months ago. But for some reason she didn't answer/call back. I tried a few more times, still no response. I looked at her facebook page the other day to find that she has moved to Colorado.

She just up and left! I trusted this woman with my secrets, thoughts and feelings. I have never opened up to a therapist before. Hell, it took me nearly a year 1/2 to open up to HER! So she's gone. No call, no "Hope you find a new dr', no goodbye.

I feel abandoned. I feel like it was all for nothing. Like it was all a waste. Not that I knew what I was working towards anyway. But the fact remains, I FINALLY opened up, and she ran. I know she didn't go because of me (I'm not that self-absorbed), but I guess it just makes me believe even more that anyone who knows the real me will run. Stupid, I know.

So I freaked out randomly. Like it all came crashing down at once. I was cooking dinner and my head just started going haywire. I sliced twice with a butcher knife. Not deep, but deep enough to make the hurt fade a little.

It wasn't a cry for attention. In fact, I'm scared shitless my husband will see it. I can just be thankful that it's winter and I can wear long sleeves. There are already a lot more scars then he would remember, but I pass the long burns off as 'Oh this? Burned my arm on the frying pan cooking dinner', 5 times in 1 month. I think he just doesn't want to notice, which suits me just fine.

But I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed that this is how I cope. That my body is scared in so many places that I'm afraid to wear a swimsuit. Embarrassed because this crap was NOT what he signed up for when he married me. But he would never voice that truth.

I just want to stop. It was one thing when I was in high school and had no one to care about but myself. Now it would effect my husband and daughter. I feel selfish and hate myself for doing it. Unfortunately, those feelings only make me want to do it again.

I understand about the husband thing. Mine found out a few weeks ago and I'm suppose to call or text him when I injure now. It bothers him to know that I hide things from him.

Post edited by: Mandy88, at: 11/29/2011 08:03 AM

It probably would be a good thing if you could make a pact with yourself that if it gets out of hand, reaching a certain point, that you admitt yourself. I have a pact with myself that is if I pull out the razors, I will go back in.

I wish you could tell your husband, he doesn't quite know how to handle it, but it's someone to support me and talk it out.

Hugs!

Nicole