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skeptical Posts: 829
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Overall things are going pretty well in my life, things are more stable than they have been in ages, and I can honestly say that for the most part, I think I might feel content. That is, when I am not thinking too much. Then, when I have just a little too much idle time, my mind goes back to that dark place. That place where I am not allowed to be happy or to succeed in life. It is that dusty corner of my mind that I have been fighting against so hard the past few years which creeps up on me every day, no matter how good a day I am having. For some reason, at any point in my life where I have been doing well and progressing beyond my issues, something pulls me to a screeching halt and screams at me saying "YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF THIS!!!" Things have been relatively great lately, yet the urges to hurt myself have increased in frequency and intensity. I have almost given in a couple of times this past week. I sit and look at my arm and fantasize about the damage I could do. Something inside me remembers the release that kind of behavior used to give me, and I crave that feeling again. Despite all of the good, I still want to hurt myself. Why do I think this way? What is stopping me from completely enjoying life as it is and being totally happy for real? Where did this horrible self-defeating inner dialogue come from?! I hate it! |
