dreamrogue
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I am wondering if anyone is interested in discussing the involvement of spirituality in their hallucinations. I am recovering from a very intense six month retreat into my own fantasy world and am having some trouble  organizing my thoughts on my experience. I believe there were warning signs, having ten years of monthly - weekly alcoholic blackouts when I partied with friends, and after having a lot of fun initially with smoking pot and hallucinagens, I began to have the subtle onset of delusions. Either of these should have made me take a hard look at my mental health, especially when too much drinking led me to cheat on the man of my dreams early in our relationship. A later close call with cheating and a long bout of insomnia should have been enough to make me stop drinking. But I don't deal with should have's, only to learn for the future. What I am dealing with is the dramatic onset of delusions, physical liberation, and spiritual revelations, along with intense communicative auditory hallucinations that began with my husband's best friend convincing me that all our friends were fooling around with each other that led me to destroy my life. It all happened with me being very sure I was on the right path, in a way that led me to feel comfortable, in control, and organized, as well as very passionate and meaningful. I had an affair, threw away a great job, got committed for a month after wrecking my car, withdrew in to silent communication with my social circle in the idle seclusion of my parent's home. Just as suddenly as it started, the experience stopped, and I was left looking back in regret and utter hopelessness on the family I had pushed away. My daughter is only 2. In the month since I woke up, I managed to get partial extended custody of my daughter, a good full-time job in my field, and a car. I've lost everyone close to me, except for my blood relations who've been very supportive. I feel like the old me, with the exception of a very intense dark side that may be responsible for holding me together through my misery, and a very disturbing sleep experience where my dreams torment me and wake me with dread. I take no medicine because I believe that I need to fully experience whatever it was that my soul wanted me to experience. I believe that in doing so I rode out the storm quicker and more sucessfully than if I had tried to put a dampener on it, and have conquered the negative emotions that resulted from the retreat of the hallucinations more sucessfully and quickly as well, though I would not recommend that route to the weak of heart. Basically, I had the anti-depressant in my possession, and pushed myself one hour, one day, one week further without it until I could survive without wanting that comfort, using my daughter's emotional pain for a light under my caboose. As I said in the alcoholism forum, I've had four dreams since I 'woke' involving a conversation that blamed my experience on alcohol abuse. So if anyone has had similar experiences, or any suggestions or comments for me, please let me hear your voice. |
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