Schizophrenia Support Group

walking in circles counting to one hundred trying to focus on not repeating the numbers trying to concentrate keep my mind busy so that they cant get in. so they cant still what little bit of sainity i have left. trying to keep them out keep them from taking my thoughts to make room to feel my head with there negative bull shit 98 99 100 1 2 3 4 and over and over just to keep there thoughts out to block there voices out! i wish i could go back to when hell there was never a then ive been fucked up my whole life physical mental sexual torture, marijuana, lsd, which has had the most powerful pull on me theyve beat me down ive beat my self down now they are trying to get to me pull me apart even more. i think im losing it. meds arent working i think they are only giving me shit to silence me so they can consume the rest of me.

here it is 433am im like the most pathetic 33year old in the world!im sitting up on my bed with the over head light on because when i turn off the light they come out to get me ive given up on ever trying to sleep again every time the shadows come near me i jump out of my skin, as if these voices arent bad enough. to night maks three day of no sleep. pdoc in morn. i dont see anypoint in going theyll just put me on some other med that works for a few months and then stops. if im lucky enough to make it out of there with out ending up locked up for the sixth time. maybe ill end up with the girl who thinks shes a giant chipmonk for a roomy again.

((((((outsider))))) Boy do I know *exactly* what you are going through right now. I had racing thoughts galore last night during a manic episode. If you're interested, you can read about in the bipolar forum under the title, "oh no...i think i'm rapid cycling into mania..." I wrote about all of my racing thoughts as they occurred and many of them sound just like what you are experiencing right now -- all 10 pages worth. You try to hang in there, okay and if the racing thoughts get to be too much, please, please get some help. I finally ended up going to the ER several hours ago and am so glad I did.

Post edited by: neondreams, at: 02/11/2009 07:59

Stevie,

The ER doctor gave me a fast-acting mood stabilizer (for my mania) and an antipsychotic (for my racing thoughts). I don't know what they gave me because I was confused with racing thoughts and all I cared about was stopping them. However, the ER doctor paged my pdoc who said he'd like to see me this afternoon for a med adjustment. I'm also going to ask if I can be given a higher dosage PRN for my mood stabilizer (Depakote) and antipsychotic (Geodon) for the next time I start to feel my moods escalate.

Stevie,

I'll be sure to report back here to let you know how my appointment with my pdoc goes. Thanks for your good wishes -- and you're right -- rapid cycling stinks. Big time.

Hi Stevie,

During my pdoc appointment, he answered some of the questions I had as to why I cycled in the first place. He said this isn't uncommon if someone has been depressed or experienced an event which has upset or excited them emotionally. Since I had been severely depressed for the past 2 days, he said the only direction my mood could go was up. Hence, my rapid cycling. He told me not to be *too* concerned since rapid cycling will always be problematic for me. He also said I shouldn't be discouraged by last night's episode given how well I've been doing on my current med combo. He's proud of how stable I've been and told me not to be too hard on myself for what happened last night. My pdoc also said that typing as much as I did in the bipolar forum under the "oh no...i think i'm rapid cycling into mania..." thread is what was probably responsible for preventing my voices from resurfacing (as well as the Geodon). He would like to see me again in 2 weeks just to make sure I'm not cycling again or experiencing any severe depression. I was prescribed a higher PRN dosage (1500mg) of Depakote. Since I'm on Depakote Sprinkles, he prescribed an extra 1000mg of standard Depakote to be taken and an extra 20mg for my Geodon for whenever I start to feel my moods escalate in the hopes that we can prevent full blown mania like I had last night. The reason why I'm taking a partial dosage of Depakote Sprinkles and regular Depakote is due to the fact that I have trouble swallowing and the latter doesn't come in powdered form. I told him this shouldn't be a problem as long as I was only limited to taking the regular pills whenever I felt that I was becoming manic. My pdoc is aware of the situation I had with the on call pdoc recommending that I immediately stop my anti-depressant for fear of it causing mania. I was told that whenever I call the clinic, I should inform them that I am only to speak to my pdoc and no one else. My pdoc apologized for the on call pdoc's behavior and told me he was glad I didn't stop taking my anti-depressant because this could have resulted in a much more severe case of depression.

outsider,

I'd like to apologize for hijacking your thread. I didn't mean to. If you prefer, I can start my own thread so Stevie and I (or anyone else) can discuss my pdoc appointment further as well as how I'm doing. Speaking of which, I hope you're feeling better today and that your appointment with the pdoc goes well.

Stevie,

I truly have a real gem of a pdoc. He's so much better than the old pdoc I've been seeing for the past year and a half. Whenever I told my old pdoc that I was rapid cycling or manic, he just told me to come back and see him in 3 months. My new pdoc doesn't do that. He listens to my symptoms, explains why things happen the way they do and sees me every month for a med check-up as well as to find out how I'm doing in terms of my cycling, mania, depression, psychosis and paranoia. I really, really lucked out in finding him! It's certainly been a long time coming!

firts neondreams you didnt hijack my thread, its cool its a group.its really nice to know that there are others out there who can relate. so im glad your on here. thank you. as far as i go i went to pdoc yesterday and she raised my seroquil to 700mgs. went from 100mgs in morning to 200mgs in morn and from 300mgs at bed time to 500mgs. and had my buspar(anxiaty) raised and cymbalta (depression) stayed same and raised my prasosin (nightmeres do to ptsd).seen both my therapist and pdoc. I have schizo with bipolar mood disorder. i go back next week. maybe this will work. but i gave them a pretty good show fell out balling like a baby. i hate crying in front of people! shows how week i am. my therapist tryed to teach me the breathing stevie sugested but ended up hypervenalating. its a mental thing for me to relax mean to let my gaurd down and to let my gaurd down means theyll get in. so if i keep walking in circles keep counting my mind is protected, sound stupid. but its how my mind works.

outsider,

Question. When you say you have "schizo with bipolar mood disorder" do you mean that you have schizoaffective disorder bipolar type? The reason I ask is because I was diagnosed as schizoaffective BP type in 2006 after experiencing my first manic/psychotic episode. 12 months later, my diagnosis was changed to bipolar I with ultradian rapid cycling and most recently changed again to atypical bipolar I with ultradian rapid cycling. I'm glad your pdoc appointment went well and I hope the new med changes help!

Post edited by: neondreams, at: 02/12/2009 17:19