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04/18/2012 08:53 AM

Hello

GodzChyld89
 
Posts: 2
New Member

I'm new to this group but not new to having scizoaffective disorder. I have been suffering psychotic and mood symptoms since I was 18. I am now 22 and am still learning to deal with the symptoms. Though I am stable on my medication(Lithium, Haldol and Effexor) I still have trouble with my last hospitalization 6 months ago due to command voices that told me to kill myself and that I attempted. I still feel guilty for what I did and my mom having to find me covered in my own blood.... Any support or guidance is much needed and happily accepted.
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04/20/2012 03:06 PM
Wyndrake
Wyndrake  
Posts: 865
Group Leader

Welcome to the group. I also tried to commit suicide, because I believed I was from another world and would only be able to return there when I died. I had felt a strong feeling of longing for something else, not belonging here, and a sort of homesickness. I went into the woods and cut myself badly - needed surgery to fix everything, and a blood transfusion. 3 boys came across me when I was almost to the point of unconsciousness, maybe death, and went to get help. I don't know what would have happened if they didn't see me. Most of the time when I went into those woods I didn't see anyone all day.

I don't want to get too graphic because I know it can be triggering, but I feel I am lucky that I am still here, and probably lucky I have full use of my left hand. I played guitar back then and I think it was like good physical therapy. The voices for me were usually not negative, but told me odd things like I couldn't glance away from a spot on the wall, or I had to very quickly look at different points or that reality would somehow collapse. Sometimes the voices were actually soothing and guiding. But it didn't take much to send me into a frenzy anyway...

I am doing OK the last few years since I have stayed on my meds. I am 39 now and was 25 when I was diagnosed, even though that suicide attempt was when I was 15 and I was hospitalized for a couple weeks, but not diagnosed back then even though my mood was elevated in the hospital, but I kept my delusions hidden and said I tried to kill myself because kids in school treated me badly. That wasn't the real reason, but they did make life harder for me.

I had been on 12mg of Haldol in the past and I found it to be a debilitating drug...maybe the dose was too high but I lost a lot of function in the months I was taking it. My boyfriend had to help feed me, get me dressed, shower, etc. I could barely lift my arms to brush my teeth or other things...I felt limp and heavy. I hope you don't feel any of those things. I had to take a parkinson's drug (Artane) for the side effects of Haldol, and it helped with the feet feeling like cement blocks and my constant drooling. Honestly I felt like a zombie on that drug but they said I needed it to "get level". Anyway Seroquel was my wonder drug, without that I might have never found an anti-psychotic I could live with.

Take care,

Marlene


04/20/2012 03:48 PM
GodzChyld89
 
Posts: 2
New Member

Thank you for sharing your story. I too needed blood transfusions and a bunch of stitches. I still regret the fact my mom found me and have been trying my best now to kind of take that off her mind by showing her how good I'm doing now.

For me the voices were never soothing, nor were the dense shadowy figures I'd see. It was like being in a waking nightmare. I never want that to happen to me again and am utilizing support groups and talking to my Dr. and being totally honest to him about my symptoms.


04/20/2012 09:34 PM
zephry1967
zephry1967  
Posts: 124
Member

I to have commanding voices tell to kill myself. I would succeed but my wife at the time interpurted at last second. I did pull the trigger but missed the target. For the longest time felt guilty about the situtaion. But learned over time to forgive myself for all wierd stuff I do and think at times. good luck to you and welcome to group.

Zep


04/21/2012 07:30 AM
djmelissa03
Posts: 66
Member

please don't kill yourself. consider it a blessing that your wife came at the last second. i've tried to kill myself but what's the point. i've got cigarettes to do that job for me. try smoking. it may help you despite all the warnings about smoking. i don't care. my motto is if depression won't kill me cigarette's will.
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