Rheumatoid Arthritis Support Group

PART I - I got both knees and hips replaced. After hard surgical and recovery times (my case is very tricky) they worked AWESOME! For the first time since i was three i was walking without aids or limps or pain, and since i don' remember much from when i was three, then for me it felt like for the first time in my LIFE i was walking like a normal person. I was in HEAVEN. i felt the stars where the limit. Felt so able and so happy. Went to study a Masters Degree in Washington DC. I felt i could do anything. I was testing where my new limits where, and i made a bad judgement there. I have ostheoporosis, and VERY thin bones (one of my drs say they are chicken bones, lol). And they actually are, they are soooooo tiny and thin, when i look at my femur in my x rays i really think it is a wonder of nature it holds my weight.

So, before starting the Masters i went to this type of summer course for foreign attorneys and we partied like CRAZY It was like being on my twenties again (i was 30), only WAY better because i had new knees and hips i felt almighty i had SO MUCH FUN, i still remember and smile. And well, i had too much fun. I miscalculated my limits, didn't really know them, and i gave myself a stress fracture in my right femur bone. Starting hurting for several days, it seemed like a torn muscle for me, and the i was going down some stairs (did not fall, just was putting weight on the leg) and felt a very painful snap and then the whole leg was like it was jelly when i tried to put weight on it again. I was on a second date with some guy! Told him, err, call an ambulance because something is really wrong. The worst date on the face of history, lol. So i got surgery to fix fracture. This was Sept 2008. Had jsut started my Masters courses.... Thought of quiting but one of my Colombian drs combinced me over the phone to give it a try at staying. I thank God and him for convincing me i could. It was the best time of my whole life, femur broken and all...

PART II - I was recovering well it seemed, x rays seemed well too. I started to feel pain by Feb 2009. It increased and in March there was this strange snap in the thigh, though not painful. Went immediately to ortho surgeon. One of the cables holding the plate broke. That happens because the fracture was not healing properly and put too much pressure on it. I went into the OR with the understanding they would change the wire. When i went out dr said they did not like how bone was healing and so they fractured the femur again. I had to start healing from scratch. That was the Cinderella moment. Graduation gala was coming and i didn't know if i would make it, recovering from fracture again and in a scooter. I made it

I came back to Colombia for summer vacation. The fracture was not healing as it should have. My Colombian ortho put growing factor on it, twice (the kind used in Europe that comes from the own patients blood, i think they call it autonomic). The fracture finally healed! Yay!

PART III - in October 2009 i tripped with some clothes my BF had left in the floor. It was dark. I fell and broke the same femur bone again, at a lower point this time, just where the metal plate ended (the metal makes that end point very fragile for being totally rigid). It was a very traumatic fracture because it got a very weird angle. The most horrid pain i have ever felt. Surgery again, and a larger platinum plate from hip replacemt to almost knee, goes through thigh, with a lovely looooooong scar al throught the side of my thigh. It seemed to be healing well by now, x rays showed things were fine, i felt fine, was starting to walk without cane around the apt.

AND NOW the latest chapter: PART IV

I had been having some knee pain last few days last week. Felt under kneecap. On Friday i heard some pop, the knee moved funny and hurt A LOT. I knew this type of pain was not "normal" RA pain. Went to dr. After tests Fri and Sat, we learned that the long titanium plate holding femur inside is fractured. It has broken at the point of my second fracture (the most reacent, two yrs ago). The xrays also show incomplete consolidation of that fracture. That is, the bone is only partially healed, not fully glued together. That is why the plate broke, material fatigue, the constant stress from a bone not fully healed broke it. Hence, the femur bone is "semi-mobile" now the plate is not holding it together. It hurts quite a lot, seating or lying down, anyway. I must not put any weight on it, and move it gently, to keep what is together together, and avoid femur fracture. Wheelchair and scooter back out.

Tomorrow Monday i have appt with my knee dr. I love him, both because he is a genious and an amazing human being. I need surgey to change plate, and put some bone grafting and growing factor on the partially healed fracture, to heal once and for all the f***ing thing. Things seemed goin well in that area, x rays were showing good consolidation, apparently, i felt fine there.... So it was a surprise. 

I am tired. But in great measure too because i am NOT sleeping because of depression. I have been REALLY not sleeping for about 8 days, even with lots of meds for that... That makes pain perception higher which does not help. And last night i had lots of leg pain, so very tired this morning. I will try to get that surgery programed as fast if possible.

But i am also tired of so much crap lately. I have been unhappy for a whole year now, and i am ready for some good times. Now. I can deal with this surgery and this situation. Quite honestly, if we can avoid bone fracture i will feel so very VERY blessed. Femur fracture is horrible and catching this on time IS a blessing. 

What makes anything hard to deal with is how hard my life has been for a year and a half, and the fact i have not been able to be happy, even trying hard, for a year. I think depression started a year ago in Sept, and i have understood both that acute depression is far far more than "being sad" and that wont get resolved with will. Yesterday i started Lexapro. I pray this one is the one.

One step at the time, that is all i can do, and wish things start coming together and resolved with meds and surgery and grace.

I am holding out my hand for God to hold it and walk my path with me and help me carry the weight.

And i am VERY thankful of all of your holding hands that ALWAYS mean the world to me.

I pray that the next surgery is the last one and that meanwhile, the Lexapro does the job of getting rid of the depressant.

Keep strong my dear. You are always on my mind.

Paulette

Amy

He has always held your hand. Sometimes you can't feel it but He has never let go. Sometimes the pain and misery are all we can feel. Still, He doesn't let go.

I promise this. Not because I say so. Because He says so.

Gentle hugs

So surgery is of course urgent, the knee wizard dr confirmed. I know he will fix me well. Now, problem. Remember that stupid armpit infection that has been giving me issues? Well, though it seems on it is way to going away, it is still there. My ortho is very worried that infection carries through the bloodstream and goes to surgical site. But is a benefit-risk evaluation that is not easy. Some non-surgical stabilizations are posibble but not optimal.

I am still programed for surgery this Thrus, but he is still waving options.. I will keep you posted.

Now i am going to eat, have not ate since breakfast again. So so tired, hungry and in pain. Will take meds and come back later.

Thanks for your prayers and good thoughts dear friends

Lots of Love ~

**CK ALL OF THIS!!!! I AM FED UP OF AL THE BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! F**K'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok. That is done. Felt good. Thanks. Now, being a GL i am supposed to be watching that no one offends anyone, including offending language. So, i am not leading by example! SO, co-leaders, please feel free to edit my post For real. I just HAD to say it and get it out of my system. Now it is out so it doesn't matter.

So here is how things are: had a new sample of armpit infection secretion for new analysis. Final result is Friday. Inicial result a bit discouraging. Initial bug was proteus mirabilis, a "soft bug" as my dr calls it, though if it goes to bone through bloodstream can become a "hard bug". Things going extreme can mean losing leg by amputation, so it is serious stuff. The initial result of the new test show abundant "cococ" (like staph or strepto?). That would be bad news. We need to wait til friday. I am following strict cleansing regime of all body with surgical soap, plus antibiotic therapy and some weird ointment i still have not found. All to prevent over-infection and keep the fistula at bay.

I am programmed for surgery next Tuesday morning. I need to figure out some little problems with the health system and that stress adds to all the rest, so not welcomed.

Pain is VERY BAD. I cannot move the leg on my own. Someone has to move it for me. I can see how the femur bone is protruding more and more in my thigh. Moving is very painful. I am supposed to try keep it straight as much as possible, to avoid the bone and the broken plate to go out from side. I have to move it like its china. Sleeping is very hard with the pain. Only a few positions are confortable enough to sleep for some hours. Everytime i switch it hurts and of course i wake up. I am taking lots of sleep aids and they help some, but i am sleeping badly obviously so i am tired.. VERY TIRED. My family too.

What i am freaked out about is that the bone DOES NOT BREAK! Please please please God, give me that give! Fracture is too awful, and i feel too weak to go through that. Please pray bone stays glued together partially as it is now....

So i hope hope hope they do not have to reprogram Tue surgery because of infection. I want this surgery badly.

So i am depressed clinically (with lexapro so far so good. Started with low dose as precaution, fine with me, and so far no side effects. It is too soonnto know if it works though). My tummy is having a hard time because all the meds. I am in bad pain but with max dose of meds and feel kind of drugged up sometimes. I am mentally exhausted because EVERY SINGLE LITTLE DECISION (go to bathroom, say), takes a lot of planning, a lot of time, and a lot of steps. And pain. I am physically exhausted from no sleeping and pain. I have anxiety now and then. Anger too, with myself (the worst part, giving myself a hard time thinking "if i had done this or that". I hate "what-if-s". They are pointless. But still) and anger with others who put me here. I am sure if i had not been so depressed i would have been able to make my due appts and prevent all this. But i just could not....

I am hopeful though, because so far we have solutions, a plan of action, and a good result in my near future if i am lucky and things go welll. Hope is right there, right there. So i am aware of the big blessing.

That does not take away the fact that i am still tired, depressed and angry of all i have been through lately, and that for the first time since i am here i had to curse..... Hope i didn't offend anyone and thanks for listening