Recovered Addicts Online Support Group

As i was jouneling yesturday, i was thinking about everything i have receive and gain since i stop using. Ive been clean for almost four years now and the first two years were hell. First i loss my mom who was my best friend. I got clean and took care of her for the last two years of her life. I was able to let go of the guilt i had concerning the things ive done to her due to my addiction and rebuild our relationship strong. When she died i was lost. That same week end my son left town for University. I felt i no longer had a purpose. I then moved in with a man hoping i could cope being in a relationship not realizing that it wasent love i felt for him it was the feeling of being needed.Dan suffered from mental illnesses and i never knew how severe until he had a psychotic break and beat me till i was almost dead. After recovering from injuries, my emotional state was bad, between not grieving my mother death, losing my home do to my bf abuse i felt i had lost everything again. I refuse to turn to drugs, My best friend Tim of 14 yrs became my support system, he seen me go through hell with getting clean, and help me get over my abuse issues.he kept telling me its going to get better MJ just dont pick up. six months later i was charge by my brother accusing me of robbing mom while sheThat was sick. There was never any love loss between me and my family. All they ever saw a fuck up, a junkie and nothing i could do would ever change that. Not only was it hurtful that they could accuse me of such a thing but also made me very angry towards my family. It was still fresh that mom was gone and now my brother was painting a picture of me being a junkie and stealing off a senior citizan. In Nov 2010 i had at total breakdown that landed me in hospital for almost 6 weeks. There i was diagnose with PTSD.and a personality disorder, and ODD which i knew i had but the trauma i sufferred from my ex brought it back to the surface.

that was the day my life changed to the good. Once i dealth with my family issues, grieve mom death, seek counseling for my PTSd i was able to find ME again. During this time Tim was my number one support. One night he ask me How would i feel if we took our friendship to a step further and i aggreed. The best thing about falling in love with your best friend is that our communiccation and trust was already there. 3 months ago i was diagnose with stage 4 bone cancer and i thought OMG am i ever going to be able to live my life without something going wrong. I underwent my first set of chemo, now im awaiting surgery which might cost me my leg, I went through all the motions of shock,anger,depression until one day i realize that Whey should i sit there bitter, and depress when i can enjoy everyday as they come. I have the respect back of my son and step daughter, i have a sister who will stand by me through anything i go through and i have the love of the most understanding, loving amazing man i know so why the hell should i be depress. All my life ive suffered and survive so why the hell would i quit now. I might be living on borrowed time but every morning when i wake up and see my son and hubby smiling at me i know i have everything ive always wanted and that was to feel love. I have no regrets because everything i have been through has made me stronger and now that i have to fight the biggest battle of my life i have the strenght, and willingness to live my life the best way that i can. My kids, my hubby and step sons are what has made me the haappiest woman alive. I know whatever the outcome of my health issues will be i know ive at least got clean and was able to find true happiness and inner peace. What more could i possibly want.

Post edited by: mobey, at: 08/22/2012 01:00 PM