Reactive Attachment Disorder Support Group

I am the mother to 4 children, 3 biological and 1 step. My step son is 7 1/2 and has been diagnosed with rads,adhd, mood disorder, post tramatic stress disorder and he was a drug baby. He was removed from his mother at 6 weeks who was breastfeeding him meth and was placed into foster care. She and my husband got him back at 11 months old. I got this child at 2 1/2 yrs. old and shortly after meeting him I knew he had problems I just didn't realize to what extent. He had already been kicked out of preschool for biting another child til she bled and cussing at his teacher while spitting on her. Over the next three years I apologized for him and his behavior to other children more times than I can count. He has verbally, physically and emotionally abusing my kids, me and himself.(Other peoples kids,too) I began searching for help and finally while he was in the first grade (1yr ago) he got suspended from school for threatening to stab 2 children and while visiting his bio mom three days later threatened to stab his cousin during a pillow fight. Finally someone would listen to me. I got him in to a local doctor, counseling and I took a cognitive behavorial skills training class. He was put on Focalin XR and Risperdal. Things had been going better overall he wasn't hurting other people and was doing better in school. However, recently he has been reverting back to his old behaviors. He has been stealing, lying, hordeing food, sneaking food, yelling, slamming doors, throwing stuff, hitting himself, bullying his older but physically smaller step sister to the point of he blocks her from being able to come to us and today he hit her and doesn't appear to feel bad about it. Recently he was antagonizing everyone in the house, next thing I know everyone including my husband was crying and this kid just didn't care. He loves fire and recently got burned at his grandma's. He gives me these looks like he could kill at any moment. His counselor recommended a book,I just finished When love is not enough and I am once again getting my family ready to start another program to try and help my kid. However, my bio kids are sick of this, scared, lost and they want to leave. My bio son moved to Kentucky with his bio dad to get away from him. My husband doesnt understand how my kids and I feel and he truly can't see how serious the problems are with his son. I joined this group to try and find someone out there who understands what I am going through. I love my husband but this kid is ripping my family apart and I dont know what to do. My kids don't want to try another program they just want to get away from him. Has anyone read When love is not enough and did it help? Please help!!!

WOW... sounds like you are a busy women than trying to keep everyone including yourself safe!! Your son is definately a RAD that is for sure and my guess is you cant understand WHY he doesnt feel remorse or anything of the sort!! All of his actions are done out of fear, even though they do not seem like it! It also probly is frustrating to know because you are probly thinking - well there is nothing to be afraid of.... there really is though!! I want you to read another book as well... its the opposite of when love is not enough but i have found it VERY effective in my life!! Its called Dare TO LOVE by heather forbes.... her paradigm is a LOT harder than Nancy THomas but i feel that the outcome outweighs Nancys by far! sorry if this didnt help but i am here if you need to talk! also if you want the psychological side read the book- BEYOND CONSEQUENCES, LOGIC, AND CONTROL also by Heather T Forbes!! GOOD LUCK

I do not understand the "fear" you speak of. The more I try to be nice to Nathan, the meaner he treats me. There are days I go out of my way to give Nathan my undivided time and attention, while his sister stays with my husband. It NEVER fails, that as soon as he realizes my intentions, he flips a switch and does every thing he can to try to make me upset. It seems like all he wants is a new toy, and it does not matter what else I do for him, if he does not get what he wants, the whole day is ruined. I am still learning, but I will not reward this negetive behavior by giving in, this was how his mother dealt with him.

I do not believe true relationships have to be bought, and I feel like my attempts to connect are being thwarted as though he is spitting in my face. I recently found out that his behavior away from me appears as though he is a charming young boy; and that I am a target of his rage and it has been his goal to target me, the caregiver, this last year. I do not understand an inability to have a conscience or be remorseful.

At age four, he was guiding his little sister (age 2 at the time) on how to strangle 2 day old puppies. He seems to be starting to have tantrums when he gets upset (kicking and hitting things). Last summer, he tried to drown his sister. How is fear (and not rage), the problem? His teacher is starting to have problems with his excessive disruptive behavior.

My sister wants him, but will not listen to me. She does not have a clue what she is asking for. She has three daughters of her own, one with severe ADHD, who cannot even put together a cognitive thought without her medication; let alone control her impulsiveness. I am at the point where I wonder if I am damaged through all this. I actually have fears about his capabilities and lack of empathy. I have never seen a child his age as completely all-about-self as he is.

Some of the things he says:

If you love me, you'll buy me a toy.

I try to be good, I just can't.

I want to be good, I just can't stop myself.

He is 6 and I have thoughts about him hurting me in my sleep. His sister is a target, and if he is not leading her to danger; he is teaching her bad things. I am frustrated, how does fear make you behave as though you are indistructable?

I have not read the book, but what you are going through I understand. I took in my great-niece and great-nephew a little over a year ago. Almost immediately I was seeking help, by three months I told my husband, I did not think Nathan had a conscience. I told him, I thought he exhibited Sociopathic tendencies.

The first three months here, every time he was told it was nap time or bed time, he would hit the floor and start whaling. You could not talk to him or calm him down, he would stare at you and scream over you if you tried to reason with him.

My husband kept telling me that it was not his fault he was that way; it was his parent's(Neglect and drugs). Then again, my husband was not the one who spent time with the children (working long hours). Then when Nathan was diagnosed, my husband made some remark about how there's a label for everything, and that's all they needed - to be slapped with a label.

I let him have a piece of my mind over that, asking him how many hows of research he spent understanding the different labels and what distinguished one from another, as I had in an attempt to find out how to reach Nathan.

The other day, I picked Nathan up a little earlier than normal with the intention of spending time with just him (without his sister). Once he realized what I was doing, immediately, he started divising ways to capitalize on my kindness. His problem with me is that I am a strong minded person; I believe people should be accountable for their actions. Even when my intensions are to spend quality time with Nathan, that does not mean I am a sucker for his superficial charm (and that is exactly what it is).

His mother would buy him a toy from every place they went, just to keep him quiet. I offer a trip to the bathroom , or we leave the establishment immediately. Either way, no toy. The nicer I am to him, the meaner he treats me. My husband finally told me the other day, that he noticed this behavior as well.

I know it seems like I am back and forth with my thoughts, but I have so much in head. For the last year, I felt like I was screaming for help from any direction, but no one was hearing me. It seems that everyone pats me on the back for being such-a -good-person for taking these two in (with their problems), but no one was offering any help.

here is my little insight about fathers and why they do not GET IT:

Well the reason husbands dont often "see" these things is because the husband is often at work! also the kids tend to rage more towards their mother.. or i guess show their rage more towards thier mother! why? no one really knows i guess... i guess in this society and day and age it is not a dads "role" to be the loving, involved, yada yada yada father!! NOT SAYING THAT ABOUT YOUR HUSBANDS, but that is pretty much how i have seen society play out... mom is the one in charge of the kids, dad is in charge of the money and making sure there is food on the table! am i wrong? I am really not incinuating all fathers are that way... just a lot!! ALSO... think of this! when you were a child, who typically came to your bedside and helped you and nurtured you when you were sick (sorry if you never had this)- your mommy. when you fell and scrapped your knee, who came to the rescue with an awesome spongebob (ok prob not spongebob) bandaid and a kiss to heal the scratch- your mommy. when your best friend Jimmy came to school and said to you that he couldnt be your friend because Joey said you werent cool enough, who was there to comfort you- your mommy. when you were to short to reach the chocolate chip cookies, who was there to bring them to your reach- your mommy. when you couldnt tie your shoe in the morning and you were already running late, who was there to tie it- your mommy! when you just wanted someone to talk to who was there to listen, your mommy!! NOW i want you to stand in your childs shoes.... it cant be easy for your child to look at you and not think of his Bio mom, the one that was SUPPOSED to do all of these things that you are doing for him, the one that was supposed to show him all the love you are showing them, the one that was supposed to raise him! i think there is a lot of gratitude that you have done so... but in stressful times, when all they can see is the bad, they see you as HER.. not as you!! you are that lady that left and never took care of him... do you think that you might be the same if you were in this situation... i think even for a teen that has been adopted a lot of the times it is truly like this! that i think is why so often the rage and anger and fear and saddness turned into anger, the hate the lies the behaviors are turned towards the mother! there is a tie that is made between mother and infant through the umbelicle cord that gives that sense of who the mom is.. and even when that mom has done horrible things to this child... they are still tied! but the dad doesnt have that... the dad is NOT the one that was supposed to be the one to do all those things... help- yes... but in societies eyes it is the mothers job to teach the baby these things and raise the baby why the father provides.. ithnk that is why "behavior" children are so much more aggressive and outward to the mother... you are HER the one that was SUPPOSED to do all the things and didnt (in the eyes of and adopted child) can you imagine how scary that would be... how frightening!! wuoldnt you be terrified too! i am sorry this is long... but maybe it helps with why the kid isnt showing those behaviors towards daddy... therefore daddy isnt seeing them so the issue is not as big!!

I am sorry if i upset you about the fear thing... i guess its more of a survival and fear of being left! you say that he freaks out if you dont buy him a toy... that is what his mother did RIGHT- to him that is how she showed love! I am really sorry and 100% get what you are goin through... if you would PLEASE order the BEYOND CONSEQUENCE< LOGIC< AND CONTROL that book goes into detail about why the child is doing what he is doing and why the brain is functionign the way he is. I know that it is hard to see past all of the behavior... is he in therapy? i am also sorry about that fear you hold from him... i understand that... i really do!! i wish it wasnt like that... i am sorry if i am not helping i am def doing my best!

Well, I appreciate your response. I was an unusual child myself. My father was an abusive alcoholic and drug attic, my mother worked third and was never around. She did not stop the abuse, and even endured it herself. My sister had behaviors that remind me of Lee Ann, who has "Oppositional Defiant Disorder" (ODD). I am 2 years older and remember thinking, "just be quiet" as my sister received so many unnecessary beatings. I was 9 and my sister was 7 when we were removed from the home. She was adopted by a pastuer and his wife, I was passed around through family members.

My mother was never a mother, my sister and I were neglected and abused; if not by our father, by various babysitters. I am survivor, but when I look back I can see how easy it would have been to use this experience as blame for my bad choices in life. I took my situation and decided I wanted better for myself, and later for my child. I "broke-the-chain" down my line. Now I am dealing with my brother's line who chose the drug lifestyle.

My conflict is Nathan's lack of remorse, or conscience of right or wrong. I know where bad choices take you, and I cannot imagine how some people have the propensity to commit such acts without empathy of other people or animals, or how self centeredness could be so justified. Could I possibly be seeing a future court date where a psychiatrist explains that is "NOT Nathan's fault for his actions, but the disorder that is to blame?"

How do you get through??? That is what I want to know; I do not want to accept the disorder as an excuse for his behavior. Since so much is known, I want to know how to help, not how to live with and resign my efforts to accept unacceptable behavior because there is no other choice. Why is treatment so secretive that you have to hire a psychiatrist to get advice? Is there anyone here that has any suggestions, from treatments they have tried.

How do you develop a conscience, or even attach feeling abilities to an individual?

Please do not think you are frustrating me. I have so many questions. I just recently found out about this disorder, and came here so that I could speak to people who understand what I am going through. I feel damaged myself, and almost called Family and Children's Services about a month ago, when he was caught French kissing his 4 year old sister.

He goes out of his way to teach her inappropriate behavior. I am forced with the decision of letting him go, or dealing with the damage he is doing to his sister. We cannot let them play together without supervision or he takes the opportunity to show her how to do things she shouldn't (on EVERY occassion).

He seems more vendictive and coniving to me, as he is blatant in his actions.

i am sorry that you had to live through what you did!! that is never good for anyone!! The only thing that has ever REALLY worked for me is Heather Forbes's work!! go to beyondconsequences.com and look around! nancy thomas is also really good but i have only found a few of her methods helpful in my family!!

If you want an easier route- i would do Nancy Thomas.... Heather Forbes is AMAZING but is probly one of the hardest things i will have ever done!!NO joke

I think out of the safety of your neice i would seperate them.... as a former FC i know that is hard but it seems to me this would be the best thing to do!! if you do do this make sure he is in a home where A LOT of time and commitment is availabe (preferablly no young kids or teens-) but that have had children!! um also- if you do take these actions~ PLEASE let them have visitation to each other... they are still sibs no matter how far apart they may be!!

YES- if Nathan does not get better you could possibly be facing a court suit... just like with Schiz or MPD! here i want you to watch this video- our therapist suggested it to me to i guess understand a little of the stuff going on in the kids head- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAk6HW2DUfU

I strongly recommend that even with your neice you find a therapist and get as much help as possible! its ok to feel the way you do... i am almost posotive that EVERY adoptive parent has felt it at some point! look up heather forbes- i strongly recommend it~

I am so sorry for what you have been through! Reading this sounds like my daughter she has rad and adhd and bipolar. She is violent and has minimal conscience level. The difference is I caused my daughters rad because I was at one time married to a man who beat me on a daily basis and so she wouldn't see as much of the abuse I use to put her in her bedroom to play by herself all the time. I thought I was helping her but, ended up hurting her even more. Then after the divorce I got addicted to drugs and kept leaving her with my mom for months at a time and she had a hard time dealing with the loss of me and everything else. I now am married to a wonderful man and back in her life full time and clean for 5 years. We still have a lot of problems with her. She dislocated my jaw last summer and tried to stab my niece with a knife and was put on probation for domestic violence but, it didn't help much. RAD children are tough to deal with but, hopefully your child will come around along with mine please keep your head up and pray it helps.