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04/15/2012 06:20 PM

15 year old with RAD horror story

radmother
Posts: 1
New Member

Eight years ago we adopted two boys from foster care. One age 7 and the other age 6 weeks. It quickly became apparent that our younger child had many problems. He is now 8 and has RAD, Bipolar, ODD, cognitive disability (IQ of 72,) fetal alcohol syndrome and more on the horizon. The 7 year old was this sweet little boy. His father had died and he was in foster care for a year. He had many psych evaluations and they all presented him to us as this "miracle of foster care." He immediately meshed into our family. He became the oldest of five children within the year and we had #6 3 years ago. So, we had four bio and 2 adopted. This older son was a straight-A student, very polite and helpful, especially to adults and everyone always commented on how wonderful he was with children. The only deficiencies we noticed in him were that he was not very social, disorganized, sometimes hid food in his bedroom (which we thought was a result of foster care food scarcity,)never went out on the weekends and only wanted to be home hanging out with the other five kids. Anyone who knew him thought he was absolutely perfect. Then...August 15th of this year, my husband happened to come home early and find our little ten year old daughter run out of his bedroom. The son was 14 at that time. My husband took her upstairs and just to be safe, questioned her. After 2 hours, she admitted that our son was sexually abusing her. We immedaitely removed him from the home and had him stay in a hotel with my husband. I called CPS and reported him but social services would not help us place him and told us to leave him unattended in the hotel! Over the next few weeks, we found out that he sexually abused 1 and then 2 and then all of our other children and had been for over two years. We shipped him off to residential treatment to the tune of $9,000 a month. We have now found out that he has brutally raped all of his siblings here, 10 little cousins (some as young as 6 months)and two neighbor girls. This was not simple touching, he was brutally raping these kids. He will not admit any of this and claims not to remember even though polygraph tests have shown he is lying. Thankfully, the abused children are all in therapy and we are NEVER planning on bringing this monsterous child back into their lives so they feel safe enough to disclose everything. He was cutting them inside their mouths and private parts, strangling them until they passed out and cutting them on veins all as threats of death if they ever told. He is completely without empathy and remorse and is only in self-preservation mode. The kind and thoughtful behaviors he exhibited before being caught were all "acted" by him based upon his ideas of how he could gain trust. He is amazingly manipulative and almost a genius IQ. Even therapists say they almost buy into what he says. Law enforcement has only charged him for two of the children because they must do a successful forensic interview (interview with a strange police officer on camera with no parent in the room, which was very jarring for most of the kids and they just clammed up.) The social workers won't even suggest incarcerating him or put him on a sexual abuser list. We moved him to a residential treatment facility in our state because we could not sustain the high cost of the other place. We cannot terminate our rights and are stuck paying for this kid until he is 18 and then he will be let loose on society with homicide on the brain. The sick part is that the younger the victim and the less likely they are to talk, the more brutal the abuse is. It turns out that he was brutally sexually abused by his birth father for 5 years and then again in foster care but it never made the reports. The doctors give us no hope of him being rehabilitated but only hope they can teach him that it is in his own self-interest not to do these acts or he will end up in jail. An atomic bomb has been set off in our family. Our children are in weekly therapy at $200 a pop per child (close to $1,000 a week and we are self-insured so insurance won't pay until we hit $10,000) and we will be in therapy for many years. We also worry that this psychopath will try to come back and try to kill our children and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it besides try to track where he is living. This is a nightmare. I want all potential adoptive parents who are thinking of taking in older foster kids to know our story so they know what can happen. I know RAD very well, since our younger son has it and I was looking for signs and even doing some of the Attachment Therapies with this boy. The signs of his behavior were incredibly subtle or non-existent. It is my opinion that bringing an older foster child into a family with younger siblings is incredibly irresponsible and I will never get over the guilt I feel for what our decision did to our precious children ages: 11, 9, 8, 7 and 3. It all brings me back to what could have solved this problem: immediate parental termination at birth. Why are they waiting so long and giving these deadbeat birth parents so many chances? Both of the parents were homeless with criminal records including arms deals, drugs, fraud, etc. They didn't even have a home to bring this boy home to. He was left in the elements sometimes. He wasn't put into foster care unitl his kindergarten teacher noticed his teeth were rotting. Why is the foster care system so interested in the Best Interest of Parents? Why isn't the goal the Best Interest of the Children? Why are some mothers (this birth mother included) allowed to retain custody of child after child when they have a history of abuse and neglect? Couldn't there be a one strike and you are out policy when dealing with parents who abuse their children? Thanks for letting me vent here.
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04/17/2012 09:43 AM
redwood
redwoodPosts: 1120
Senior Member

Oh Radmother - Please let me give you the biggest e-hug there is. My heart breaks after reading your post. I, too am furious at the "System" that believes that the best place for a child is with their natural parents - even drug users, child abusers, and those with criminal records. It's been said before but it is so true - it takes more to adopt a puppy from the pound that it does to have a child or to keep one for that matter.

I have fought the system before and am gearing up to do it again. My brother (drug addict, alcoholic) has a daughter that I had custody of for the first 4 years of her life. His ex-girlfriend (biomom) is borderline, bipolar, alcoholic and totally non-functioning. Biomom hasn't seen my niece since she was an infant. First go-round with CPS produced one social worker who was afraid of my brother, followed by social worker #2 who thought they were just model parents and finally a well-seasoned case worker who could see through the BS. Now I have my niece again. Not only is my brother in the midst of screwing this up but BioMom is back and wants visitation. That just means she may see her once and then it won't be convenient or her life will just be too intolerable to have to visit (life is against her you know). So my niece will meet her birth mom and then never see her again. Just what she needs with all she is going through already.

I didn't mean to hijack your post. First thing's first. You did NOTHING wrong. Bad results do not dictate that someone is at fault. You did everything you thought was right and good. I think we are on the cusp as a society with realizing just what you said about adopting/fostering older children. Social Service and adoption agencies aren't always honest. They want to move these kids through the system like old merchandise sitting on the shelf at Walmart. They are not giving prospective parents the full story. Then you suffer, your children suffer. Because of this, older children aren't always the best risk.

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you - I am not facing what you are. My niece is the only child living with us and I have had the benefit of knowing her for her entire life and gratefully, having some impact on her in her early years.

Please keep us up to date on you and your situation. I know how much having a place to vent can help.

Redwood


01/12/2013 10:07 PM
Dax789
Posts: 4
New Member

You are a pathetic parent. How eager you were to adopt yet just as fast distanced yourself from that child you adopted when problems arose. When you adopt a child, they are yours and you should love them...not matter what. If one of your biological children were the aggressor, we wouldn't be reading a post on this, would we?

I think you overexaggerated your story to make sure everyone is one your side. Really, rape? Where were you exactly? See, that's why kids have parents...to supervise them. You are to blame.

Don't think I don't know what this is like. My RAD adoptive child who, before placement with me had sexually assaulted others, was supervised constantly and given the time and attention needed in order to overcome it. Children need love and support and are resilient and can overcome almost anything. Yet, as a parent, I'm still supervising closely. That's my job and I'm sticking with it.


01/20/2013 04:31 PM
LatTwinsMom
Posts: 2
New Member

I'm so sorry to hear your story! I can't even imagine what you have gone through!

To Dax......I wonder how old your child is? If he/she is not even a teenager yet, then you have yet "to have the opportunity" to experience what so many of us have encountered.

My husband and I adopted twin girls from Latvia when they were 12. We thought that by loving them that we could change them. What a lie!

The older they grew, the worse they became. They constantly lied, stole, deceived, and defied us. Constantly. They would also undermine us every way possible. They would also tell us that they "did not have to listen to what we told them to do and that they could do whatever they wanted to do." They NEVER thought we had a right to dicipline them for anything they did wrong.

Last year they decided to skip school and not do schoolwork. When we took them out of soccer since they didn't want to do their schoolwork, they became totally unmanageable. We became desperate and let them live with my brother and his wife.

At that point they began to lie about us and tell everyone how we abused them (right!). My husband tried our best to love them and help them become responsible adults. They didn't want that.

We often heard, "The only reason we let you adopt us is because we wanted to get everythng we wanted." My husband and I didn't do that, so we became the abusers.

I hope the child that you think you can "watch", Xan, is not going to let you down!

RAD is a deceptive illness. My brother and his wife think my daughters love him. What a joke! We know better....they often told us that "they didn't know what love is." The only thing they want is to get whatever they can. They have no desire to love anybody, and they do not know how to healthfully attach to anybody. Our lives have been turned inside out because of two girls that we thought we could love and give them a good upbringng.

One of our daughters was in a mental hospital for about 3 days when she tried to throw herself out of the car. The therapist at the hospital told us, "These children do not know how to love; have no desire to love; and their goals in life are to get whatever they can. They don't care if they destroy their parents to obtain their goals." Boy, did we find out this to be true!


05/16/2013 10:38 AM
Jonmadon
Posts: 1
New Member

I thought this was a support group for people dealing with the illness or parents to discuss therapuetic strategies for dealing with it, not to put down the people afflicted with the disorder, and support the ones putting them down. To the poster and all who support, I get the disconcerting impression that your mindset is there is no hope for these people. What do you suppose should be done? murder them the second the diagnosis is determined? ship em all off to an island somewhere? I do not see much sympathy, or especially empathy, for the afflicted in these posts. I think Dax had something valid to say when he said that you take on the parental responsibilities when you adopt a child into your home, one big responsibility being unconditional love. I work with developmentally impaired children, RAD becoming a prevalent diagnosis, and the behaviors you describe are atypical and probably reflect more on the other disorders this individual is afflicted with. Put yourself in their shoes and try to imagine what it must be like to have gone the first 15 years of your life (arguably the most important) without having a solid place to call home, to have to suffer the trauma and abuse and inadequate parenting which led to his being in foster care in the first place.. to spend those early years (you report a genius IQ so im taking this for granted) realizing that these people are not their true parents and despite likely promising to be the support they've always needed, promising by nature of the gig (foster care) to be that supportive unconditional rock they can finally rely on (something every well-adjusted child must have), only to have it crumble away any time they prove to be a challenge..is it any wonder they (supposedly) "don't know how to love"? you live what you learn and learn what you've lived. I agree that it seems rather embellished and unlikely that you were somehow housing an adolescent serial rapist/psycopath for a few years w.o ONE report or quirky incident to reflect on, other than what came out of the woodwork after the first allegation. Arthur Miller's "the crucible" comes to mind when i read how it seems that all of a sudden everyone had something to add to incriminate this child and I too do not think you would have posted this w. such disdain for the kid had it been your own. And yes, if these claims are true, WHERE WERE YOU??! rape and infliction of wounds leaves a forensic trail of evidence, not to mention owies and boo boos that any normal kid would complain about; and to have raped such an extensive group repeatedly, requires alot of coordination on the kid's part and parental inadequacy on the families allegating these claims in order to somehow get away with such tramuatizing, invasive, world shattering behavior. 16 kids, and every single one was so shaken w. fear to keep silent, not to mention being somehow cognizent of the concept of threatening? "brutally raping" 6-month-olds(the age of kids you tend to supervise almost 24 hours a day?? and all this with NO signs of the brutality? im sorry radmother, unless you were self-medicating something serious, it stands to reason you'd have noticed something, and this story would have been NATIONAL news if it was true, given the shock-story mentality of american news media.

I end this rant with a point to consider, for all of you thinking there is no hope for an individual w. RAD, or any other behavioral maladaptivity. If we can domesticate tigers, teach gorillas to paint, and learn sign language, and potty train our cats to use a human toilet, we can certainly reform and develop skills in our own species.


08/19/2013 01:36 AM
RADchild
Posts: 1
New Member

i am a young adult with rad and to every body who says that you shouldn't adopt older children because this could happen is wrong i was adopted and my family didn't handle it the right way and i got the wrong message from things and i made a mistake so they put me into a group home and then wouldn't let me do anything by myself and i told them i didn't want to do therapy so they walked away and let me tell you the worst thing that you can do to a child with rad is leave them it will make it worse and i bet that all the other kids just said this happened because they see things there older siblings see and if that happened and you didn't see the marks then your not a very good parent. but when you adopt a kid you are telling them you will love them forever. mine walked away and left and now i don't trust people because i think hey are just going to leave me when they hear something they don't like. i am 18 and graduated high school with honors doing a victory lap and have a boyfriend who i love maybe not the same way that other teens do but he knows about my RAD and understands so not every older kid with rad is a basket case. this is supposed to be a place to support others not put down people who actually have this disorder. i take this personally because you are being stereotypical not every ones the same.

Post edited by: RADchild, at: 08/19/2013 01:40 AM


10/28/2013 11:46 AM
teddyrexbin
 
Posts: 4
New Member

my heart breaks as I read ypur story and wish you the best I have a few attschment issues myself too and wish u all the best I am here to learn about I have a friend showing signs of attachment disorder

11/01/2013 06:24 AM
Skylynx
Posts: 2
New Member

I really feel for you, RADchild. I had rejection at an early age, too. Decided at age four to never, ever have a feeling again. Not love, fear, or even anger or hate. I pretended I didn't care anything about them that deserted me. Then had a total breakdown ten years later. I just saying this because I'm doing pretty well now after having therapy with someone who knows about the RAD disorders. So, please don't give up hope. and finding the right T for you could make a big difference and give you hope and meaning in your life.

12/29/2013 01:08 PM
Rukisses2006
Rukisses2006  
Posts: 6
New Member

I realize that each case is unique but after reading these post there are some things that need to be addressed.

My husband and I adopted a set of tween several years ago. One boy, one girl who are siblings. My daughter is RAD and came home with 5 different physiological diagnoses. The first year after adoption was a nightmare. Our son would run away, our daughter lived part time in a mental hospital, my husband and I were exhausted and worn. Doctor after therapist would tell us to give the kids up. They were too messed up. WHAT!! I don't believe in give backs. I left my job and made it my mission to help these kids. I stopped listening to all the doctors because they weren't the ones living with these kids. First things first, I got an educational evaluation done on my kids to find out how they learned. I needed an open line of communication with them and that meant figuring out how they processed information. Wow was this important. My son had slow motor skills but was a genius. Our daughter has a photographic memory. That means the kid couldn't read but she could draw like crazy. We got our daughter a sketch pad and taught her how to express emotion through art & colors. We started enforcing, good behavior was rewarded and misbehaving resulted in loosing things. Next, we tackled their diet. No caffeine, cut back on process sugars, and no junk food after 6pm. They had set bed time in which all electronics were shut off and hour before bed (this helped combat the insomnia). We challenged our kids to try new foods, sports, music...you name it. They had the chance to look up something they wanted to try for food and would give it a try as a family. Children from state systems don't have identities. Much of their behavior issues stem from wanting attention, coping tactics, and having no identity of their own. Each one of our kids kept a sheet posted on a cork board in the kitchen. It had the child's name at the top and there were two list, I LIKE... I DISLIKE. Every time the child tried something new, they added it to their list. Before you know it, the child now had a visual of who they were. Instead of my kids limiting them self to their disorders or past, my children were developing their identity. Sure there were set backs but the goal was to keep moving forward. We did family sports days at the park to see which kid liked which sport. We had family cook offs to see who enjoyed cooking and what their talents were. The subjects they struggled with in school, we got tutors. I'm not saying my husband and I are perfect parents. I will share this. It has been two years since either of my kids have had any issues. My daughter has been a straight A student for 2 years now, most improved student in the county, volunteers in soup kitchens, and has been offered a school of the art scholarship. My son has been in all advanced classes, is an awesome cook, volunteers with intercity ministries, and was offered a scholarship to study internationally. 3 years ago my kids came home a mess with a file filled with insest, psychological diagnosis, abandonment, drug abuse, and more. I'm not a medical profession and I even have major physical medical issues that limit what I can do. My point is, there is NO ONE in this world that is beyond hope. So to each family represented on this page, we all have the power to make a positive impact on the lives around us.


01/09/2014 01:45 AM
shoebox22
Posts: 3
New Member

Thank you,Rukisses2006. This gives me hope.
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