Rape Support Group

Hi all. This is the first time I have so much as googled rape survivors, but after three years of destroying my own life I think it's time to move on. I have not dealt well with what happened, which led me to situations that involved a second rape, as well as being physically attacked without a successful rape. I am in a fairly stable relationship right now, with a guy who knows that I was raped but doesn't know any details. Every time we have sex though I can't help but remember, and so sometimes this works out really poorly but he's pretty understanding.

Longer version involves pretty much every freaking stereotypical behavior in the book, which I am trying not to hate myself for. I was raped when i was a virgin, just about to turn 19. I was really a dork and basically sacrificed a dating life so that I could work/get grades to go to college, so I hadn't done much besides kiss a guy. Obviously, I should have known better. But I thought that he was nice, and I had drank a decent amount. He found out I was on my period (I told him, he never got so far as to take my pants off), got really wierd/mad, and started hurting me. I told him to stop, he was making me bleed and there were bruises the next day and I was pretty upset. He said he wouldnt until he I stopped being a tease, and then he shoved himself down my throat. I was panicking. I left down the stairs when he was done, hoped no one would see me, and walked home alone. I felt like a worthless whore. And promptly after that I failed the next semester of college because I was depressed, I felt worthless and like I didn't deserve a scholarship. I considered suicide because I was so tired of trying so hard with nothing to show. Lost my scholarship, dropped out of university and got a job cooking. Turns out I am a really good cook, and now I work at one of the best restaurants in NYC. So that's good. During all that I also became involved as an exotic dancer, which was good at first for helping me feel in control of my sex and sexual actions, but also led to the being raped/attacked again, and bulimia (which I am mostly better from now). I am finally back in school part-time finishing my degree, but for whatever reason this whole thing, and being raped and attacked the second time, has been haunting me a lot recently. I didn't ever think about it much right after it happened. To be honest, for the first six months or so after dropping out I drank a lot and watched TV shows so I didn't think about too much. I was pretty sad. So now I am learning how to finally confront this and move on, because life doesn't give you days off and working in a male-dominated, super aggressive field can get...awful sometimes. If I'm having a day when it's all I can think about, and I mess something up, I get yelled at. And it is all I can absolutely do to not scream at my chef, and ask him if he could survive being raped. Twice.

Thanks for listening. This is the first time I have ever gotten this off my chest. Sorry if it was long, but I just needed to say it.

~Maya

Hello Learning now. Welcome to the group and thank you for sharing your story. I am so very sorry for what you have been through. You were not a dork. Anyone should be able to have fun and enjoy themselves even if it involves alcohol. You were not in the wrong at all. The scumbags that did this to you are the ones to blame. They belong behind bars for a long time. Have you told anyone besides your boyfriend? I can'r remember the link, but if you go to "forums", scroll down and click on "medicines and treatments. The second sticky down is an article called "A mans guide to helping a woman who has been raped". It's only about 18 pages but full of very good information for your boyfriend to read. You can print it out and ask him to read it. Maybe that will give him some insight on what your going through.

It's great that your back in school! You have taken the first step in healing by coming here for support. All of our members are very supportive. Feel free to have a look around, vent, heal, and make new friends. You will get nothing but support and encouragement here. Please feel free to PM any time you want to talk. We can talk about anything.

clemaire

Maya:

Really glad you are here and found this group. Its such a difficult thing to talk about what happened for the first time on here. Somehow, it becomes more real and we force ourselves to take a look at what happened. I really support your choice to talk, kudos!

I'm not a leader or anything, but I am here if you need to talk.

B

Maya, i am really glad you are here... and i am so sorry all of that happened to you. None of that was your fault, no one should ever have to go through that kind of hell.

Please private message me if you want to talk.

hiall

Maya: its been a couple days since you posted and I just wanted to check in on you. Hope you are hanging in there.

Hi guys- thank you so so so so much for your responses and kindness. It helped me so much to actually say/write all of this out loud for the first time. Obviously, it took a little while to process, and then my internet went down so sorry for any worries. : / I'm doing really well right now, after a few days rough patch. I read the sticky on what a guy should do if a woman he knows has been raped, and it just completely explained so much to me about why I've been how I have..... it was amazing to hear that other people go through the same thing. It made me feel a lot less alone/horrible about myself, even if at first all I could do was cry. I'm probably going to read the book. Once again, thank you so much for caring. Sorry if I worried anyone.