|
Forgiven123 Posts: 2
New Member
|
Hello, I am new to this site.. I actually joined it because I have been lying in bed for hours thinking about the night I was raped.. I came home from work and was going to take a nap but that's not what I got.. I just can't seem to move on from this.. I feel like everything is better for a long time and then, there he is again in mind, I feel like it's happening all over again and I feel my whole body getting hot with anger... I'm so mad.. It all started again when I saw him about 3 days ago.. He is my mother's best friend's son.. It was supposed to be lunch with her and it turned out that he showed up.. my heart was racing and I felt sick to my stomach.. I told my mom but she pretends with him like it never happened.. he doesn't even know anyone knows.. I've known him my entire life.. Honestly, I know it was my fault and i'll tell you why.. It all started the night before mother's day 2 years ago.. It was my "aunt's" co-ed bachelorette party.. which is really his aunt.. I used to call him family until I found myself physically attracted to him and stopped calling him my cousin.. But we were all drinking that night.. I had never done a beer bong before so he had me try it. He kept giving me beer after beer... We were flirting and laughing all night and we ended up kissing and everyone at the party literally stopped and looked at us and all started whistling and stuff.. i was wasted by that time but still completely embarrassed so I took off running and laughing and fell down on these stairs outside and cut my leg open.. Well he pulled me up and told me lets go inside.. on our way in his friend looked at us and laughed and I saw his friend handing him something, I looked over and realized it was a condom.. I said were not having sex! and his friend laughed and walked away and he said i know i know! and started laughing too and he pushed me along.. I asked him later that night if he had ever had sex because my mom told me when I was 15 that her best friend (his mom) had said that he wasnt a virgin anymore and that was what actually led me to tell my mom that I no longer was a virgin anymore either.. Well anyway he said that he had never had sex and 2 years ago I wasnt the same person as today.. I slept with any guy who would give me the attention, and I was kind of excited that I could be the first one..which i know now is completly sick.. so we were in a room making out and a little kid came in a started yelling for the parents to come get us (I at the time was 18, and had no idea he was 17) so we went in the closet (i know disgusting) and he took off my pants, well my mom was the parent the kid called in and she opened the closet door, him and I both stood there really embarrassed and she told me how ashamed she was of me and walked away.. We pulled up our pants and he told me come on I got a place for us to go.. So we went outside through this open garage.. he pushed me to his moms van and we climbed inside.. we were in the very back seat and he pulled out a condom.. we took off our pants and he had me put it on him and I sat on top of him.. It went in about 3 times and I started feeling a little more clearly and was thinking I didnt want to do it anymore.. We heard people calling for us outside of the van so I jumped off of him and laid down. they finally went away and I leaned up and said lets go in.. And he said no come on... and so i leane dover to grab my pants and started pulling my legs away from him and said no i dont want to anymore.. lets just go in.. and he grabbed my thigh and ripped it towards him. I suddenyl felt scared and pulled my leg away from him again and said no i really dont want to.. He said its fine, come on.. and grabbed my thigh again and pulled my legs apart. i covered my vagina with my hands and he ripped them away from me, i put them in front of it again and again he did the same thing.. i tried one more time and he pulled them away and held them down at my sides.. i started crying and started begging him to stop. I kept telling him please stop, please please, and its literally like he didnt hear a word I said.. He put it in and i started to cry even harder. i was hysterical.. I kept saying please you know me, dont do this to me, and almost the whole time I was just begging him to stop.. I finally stopped talking when I saw the blank stare in his eyes, he couldnt hear me, he didnt care, i was a toy for him, a useless dirty toy.. So I just kept crying.. I closed my eyes and hoped it would end soon.. im not sure how long it went on for, it couldve been 5 minutes or an hour, my mind went blank.. finally we heard people calling for us outside again and he sat up and sat up a little and just looked and him as he was looking around seeing who he was calling, i said please todd. please stop, and he said be quiet and covered my mouth with his hand and pushed my head back down. I shifted my head hard to the left to get his hand off of me and he let it go.. i stared at the back seat of the car and wondered if he would do it again.. I blanked out from there.. All I remember is i was sitting up (still in the car) and my hand was in my arm, i was hiding my face and sobbing hard.. He put his hand on my thigh and asked me what was wrong i pushed his hand off of me and said please dont touch me. He did it again and i got more loud and said please todd, please dont touch me. and i started crying harder.. he said what happened? I looked him in the eye and said are you fucking serious? And for some reason I felt really embarrassed that he was actually maing me look him in the eye after what he had done to tell him that he raped me.. He said yeah what happened.. and I said you raped me.. and he said oh my god.. and at that moment I got scared he would hurt me if he thought id tell anyone.. So i said its ok i wont tell anyone and sat up quickly and pulled on my jeans.. i said i wont i promise just dont ever talk to me again and jumped out of the car.. I ran as fast as i could to the fence because they had closed the garage and jumped the fence, i fell on my hand a tore my skin. at that time it was around 3 am, mothers day.. i was raped on mothers day.. pretty sickening.. I told his cousin (girl) at the party and she took me in the bathroom.. he knocked on the door and came in and was telling me how sorry he was.. i told him to please get out and he did. She went to go find him and came back and said how he was threatening to kill himself and that bothered me because it was my fault that he would be dead.. i feel like i made him do it.. i know i shouldnt feel like that but i was having sex with him.. idk.. My mom was outside and i asked her if we could go home and she said no.. she was in the pool with many other and they all told me to get in.. its like time stopped at that moment.. Everything slowed down and I raced towards the pool and jumped in and let myself sink to the bottom.. erasing all evidence of him being on my body. letting it all drown... I just feel empty..
|
