Rape Support Group

I am a mid twenties newlywed! I love my husband, and more importantly he loves and understands me. I would love for things to be as perfect as they should be but, some memories just dont die. I have done some dating over the years but i decided that i wanted my first time to be with someone who was special enough to marry. I honestly believed that someone would be willing to wait to have sex. Despite many failed attempts at relationships, i was holding on to what i wanted.

My sophomore year in college i began dating someone who seemed very charming but was very abusive. On and off for three years I dealt with the fighting, cheating, and humiliation. He had manipulated and used me so dry that i was completely dependent with no money and no way to eat without him. He seemed to be fine with not having vaginal intercourse but, within the last year he tried to rape me anally on multiple occasions. He would force his way between my legs for hours until i would give up or he would get tired. i often had bruises between my thighs or caught a cold from my hair being drenched in his sweat. After a few months i learned to sleep with my butt clenched and him laying on my back. i was so sleep deprived and emotionally spent but i was so embarrased i didnt tell anyone. My senior year i found a job, an apartment, and the courage to leave.

When i got away from him i thought it was all over. I was not even sure what to label the experience as. i wasnt even sure if it was rape because it was anal and we were dating. I was confused and numb. Somehow i still managed to find solace in the fact that i still had my virginity. I felt like, "i can still have a beautiful experience with someone who loves and respects me." Until someone came along and took that opportunity from me. Four months after i got away from that torment i was raped in my apartment, in my bed, and i just laid there. It has been 3 years now and i still cant erase the flashback of him kissing my forehead when he was done. I had to remove my tampon when it was over and i cant even think about wearing them now. I was so overwhelmed i think i went crazy for a while. i still went to work the next day, i graduated college with honors,i still slept on the same sheets until it was time to wash clothes, and i didnt even think to go to a doctor until 7 months later??? i just lost it. I had contracted an infection which was untreated for 7 months so I have had many health related problems with my cervix and some high risk cancer cells. Thankful i was not pregnant or i would not have known until i was very far along.

My husband, who was my boyfriend at the time, was/is so supportive. I had doctors who treated me so nasty and my first time talking with a therapist she told that i should be thankful that the guy apologized when he was done because many women never get an apology from their rapist....seriously??? After i had been treated i stopped going to the the doctor completely. My husband and i waited about a year and a half until we got engaged to have sex and he has been so patient. Although it has gotten better, i can be very absent from our sexual experience at times. He wont continue when i get like that. he never pressures or complains and he is always ready to listen when i need him. We just got married about a month ago and we are beginning to have unprotected sex. It has been taking me through a range of emotions. i love him and want to enjoy this but its so hard. i dont know why i cant wash away the bad thoughts with his love?? which is why i am seeking some support. thank you for taking the time to listen. sorry it was so long.

Hello wrkNpr0gr3ss and welcome to the group. I am really sorry about what happened to you and yes it was rape. What happened to you is horrific and shouldn't happen to anyone. You may never erase this from your mind but you can heal and gain more confidence every day that goes by. Have you talked with your therapist about your sex life with your husband? Sounds like you have a great husband.

Please use the forum to heal, vent and make new friends. Private message me any time you want to talk (your husband too).

hiall

Hi. I just wanted to welcome you to the group. I am so very sorry for what you have been through. Like Hiall mentioned, you did not deserve to be treated like that. No one deserves to be raped. I had some similar issues with doctors and my first couple therapists too.

Please feel free to share as much or as little as you like. We are all here for each other. PM me anytime.

clemaire

Thank you both for your welcome. I joined a while back and couldn't find the courage to write anything. I was having a difficult time sleeping last night. I finally went to have a pap exam done so that I could get a prescription for birth control. it was so uncomfortable going to a doctor with all the poking and prodding and feeling around. I took my husband but I still felt emotional afterwards. Hiall I never went back to the therapist after the 1st session... I have talked to my husband about the sex issue but he says its gonna take time, and that's ok I guess. Clemaire I would love to know how you dealt with the doctors being insensitive?? I do want to keep up with my health and make sure I catch any abnormal cells before they become cancerous. however if I have to be made to feel like I am dirty and multiple sex partners, its almost not worth going. thank you all again for the support. And my husband says he would be very interested in having someone to talk to Hiall, I vent to him so that leaves him no outlet. thanks

Hi, i would love to talk to him anytime. We have a good guide for your husband to read in the treatment part of the forum (you can read it to). Here is a link: http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/rape-discussions/medicine- treatments/3576442-a-mans-guide-to-helping-a-woman-who-has- been-raped

also, like clemaire said, please take your time. No pressure here.

I think you need to find another doctor. You should not be treated that way. I was seeing a woman doctor at an Urgent Care. I went there because I was having a miscarriage. I found out it was an std my offender gave me that caused it. They were so nice when I went in but as soon as the test came back positive I was treated so poorly. I had to keep going back to get re-tested. I finally just went to my family doctor and told him everything. I had been avoiding him because he is a man and he had seen me since I was little. To my surprise he was very supportive and even ended up writing a letter on behalf for the courts.

I knew trying to find a good therapist was going to be a challenge but I was desperate. My first therapist started right off with victim blaming. "Well your behavior is what got you into this so we need to find ways to change your behavior". She also couldn't stop telling me how much my perfume made her sick to her stomach, even leaving the room once to "get some fresh air". I wasn't wearing any perfume. I left and never went back. I went to a couple more therapists that were a lot better and finally decided on one. It took a good 3 months to find her but it was worth it.

You should not walk out of a therapy session feeling worse about yourself. You should feel compassion and some relief after leaving a session. If you have any questions PM me anytime.

clemaire

Sorry for the late welcome from me! Welcome! I am so, so sorry to hear about your experiences! Like Clemaire said, you should feel better after leaving a therapy session. And therapists, being individuals, will not fit with everybody. Please don't get too discouraged. We are always here too

I'm very glad to know that you have a supportive partner. Be patient with yourself!

Hello darling, welcome to this group!! I hope you find a way to heal from this bad experience, especially with the help of your husband!!

I'm in a loving relationship too, after the abusive one I had with my ex.

I was raped anally 4 times (my ex couldn't stand the thought he had been forbidden to use my bum!!) and yes, it's rape even if that happens in a relationship.

I should add my ex was a training support worker, on his way to counsel abused and raped women one day, so you can imagine what my idea of a therapist was. Luckily I first got counselled by a wonderful therapist, a woman who gave me back part of my selfconfidence. Bad memories won't go away soon, anyone has a different way of healing but I hope you'll drop by here very often, it's a very helpful group and truly a healing place!!

Merl xx

Post edited by: MerlinScot, at: 05/21/2012 06:32 AM

I am very sorry about what has happened in your lives. I am so moved by the support that is offered here in this group.I am glad there is somewhere for people to share their experiences and not feel judged. MerlinScot, I am so happy you found the strength to get out of a bad situation and the courage to open your heart to another. I hope to be able to offer as much support as i have received. thank you all again for the welcome. My week has been significantly better because of it. Have a peaceful week.

you're very strong, and the therapist is right, there's not a lot of rapist who tell they are sorry. I still remember when I got rape, it's the worst thing ever..