Rape Support Group

I was date-raped 10 years ago

It took me a good hour to get up the courage to push the join group button. Why?? I don't know why its so hard.

It took me years to get up the courage to admit to myself and others that i had been raped.... and even then I downplayed it..... hell i still downplay it. its still hard to this day to talk about... i just wanted it to go away and if i never faced it... then it was like it never happened.

I never accused the person who did it. I didnt want it to be a big deal. he had lots of friends and some of our friends were mutual. And it WOULD have been a big deal.. the side taking and the finger pointing, it would have taken over my life. I did not want to spend even one second thinking about what had happened... so accusing him....well that was the exact polar opposite to what i wanted.

It was a friend of a friend who was in from out of town. bunch of us went out for drinks and by the end of the night it was just me, him and our mutual friend who had drank waaaaaay to much and we were helping her get home while she puked her guts out. It was sooooo late by the time we got her home and settled. We were both exhausted and he had a long drive home so i said he could crash at my place.... what can i say i liked the guy. I was just so tired, I figured we might make out a little before we went to sleep or something..... i'm not sure what i was thinking. i must have said no a hundred times but he kept trying to get in my pants. we had both drank a lot earlier... it was so late i just wanted to sleep, it was all i could do to keep awake. I wanted sleep and i wanted everything to be ok, i liked him and wanted to see him again and i tried to tell him but he kept trying to get it in. I actually even gave him a blow job because for some stupid reason i thought if he got off, he would stop touching me and i could go to sleep (it was like 5am). But of course it didnt help. i kept saying please no and he kept trying.. and then it was official.... i was no longer a virgin. somehow i managed to get him off of me and he stopped. I went to sleep right there..... in the bed with him. Because all i wanted was to be asleep.

Sadly that was not the worst part. I let him have sex with me the next morning. By have sex i mean just laid there still and didnt try to stop him. I felt totally numb and defeated anyway and what did it matter the.., i mean... yeah...i didnt want to fight or argue i just wanted him to go away and maybe if he got what he wanted.. he would. And some fucked up part of me actually felt guilty that he had not been able to get off and had "blue balls".

it seemed like the easiest way to make it go away was to ignore that anything had happened. I didnt bring it up to anyone and neither did he. He called next time he was in town and i said i wasnt interested and that was the last i saw or heard from him again. And my plan worked...... it went away... no fights no finger pointing no fueled side taking pitting friend against friend.... it was simply over. And anyway i told myself no one would ever call it rape anyway, esp since i let him do me the next morning.

Only its never really over is it.

i dont know what i expect to get here... or even why i'm here saying this.... i guess i thought it might just help to say it.

I'm sorry my post is so long, i'm just long winded

Hi,

I am so sorry for your trauma. Many of us try to go down the road of denial only to find that the wound we are covering up is festering. Air your feelings, talk about them. Let people know how you feel. That will bring healing. A therapist or rape group would help. Things do get better.

Lisa

You're expected to get justice in kind words that come from others that understand. You sound so numb, and I can tell you carried this weight for so long and buried alot of you with it.

Post traumatic stress disorder, after a rape, or accident or trauma, is a festering ailment that gammits all the different ranges of emotion, and tends to bury the good ones.

Here is a place to learn how to get some of the good emotions back.

He never raped your soul, but the brain doesn't want to here that.

It keeps trying to answer a question it can't answer, trying to compute something heinous in cannot compute.

I hope you find that everyone here is so helpful, and does truly care about you, won't judge you, and bottom line, knows you did nothing wrong.

Welcome hun, from one who understands,,,,,too very well.

wolf

thanks guys for your kind words.

I never have stoped being angry at myself for it. I'm ashamed of myself that I let him use me the next morning.... like that somehow it made it not rape the night before... And it killed any chance i could feel validity in accusing him of rape. Even if i didnt feel that way other people would say it canceled out the night before. even that part, the night before... i think if i had asserted myself more he would have stopped. If i had slapped or hit or bit him or something... but i didnt.... i just laid there hoping he would stop if i asked... i could have probably pushed him off and ran away....

But i just let it happen. how could i have so little respect for myself that i let this go on without a kicking and screaming fight to the end.

and your both right.

I think it will do me good to try and talk about these things and begin processing what happened. several months after this happened I entered into what would become a really abusive relationship. Now i wonder if i had subconsciously knew he would end up that way and part of me thought i deserved it... but i'm probably just being hard on myself. Its not like he started out abusive.

I wrote a paper on the abuse for school last summer. Today i decided to share it and had it posted as an article under emotional abuse.

I hope i dont try to open up too many wounds at once and end up crumbling..... maybe i should be pacing myself more...

Do not hate yourself, you were in a safety mode, you needed to be in to keep yourself safe from harm.

It is all on him, he is dirty, he is terrible, don't self inflict who he is on yourself.

You are a beautiful butterfly that got halted from flying, start realizing your wings were never dirtied, and you are clean, just holding dirty memories.

He is the scum of the earth,,,,,,,

You are beautiful,,,,,,,,,and now can begin to heal.

Start by replying why it was his fault, start to turn the blame where it belongs,,,,,okay?

What ever works,,,,,,,,the band aid needs to be torn off, and reapplied with loving hands.

Start by writing all the things that is wrong with him.

You'll see all the negatives are the ones you internalized,,,eventually you will get angry, that is the point where the fighting begins.

You are worth this, God made you innocent, he robbed that.

He will never be forgiven.

You, however, can heal,,,,,,,

wolf

You were in shock in the morning. Your world shifted and it took you some time to catch up. I remember the morning after my rape. I couldn't believe it and the last thing I wanted to do was to deal with it. Keep talking. Things will make sense about the you acted as you get to know more about how survivors respond after being attacked.

Lisa

ok why it was his fault...

Because he should have listened when i said no. He should have respected what i wanted. He knew i was still a virgin. He should have let my first experience with a man be on my terms.

He was selfish

disrespectful

self centered

manipulative

hurtfull

I still feel like I let it happen.... that he may have taken advantage of me but i let him......

guess I went into ostrich mode... like if i put my head in the sand then the danger is gone because i cant see it.....

It probably didnt work for the ostrich either.

actually do ostriches even do that?

wikipedia here i come!!!