Rape Support Group

Ill start from the beginning, Ive been dating my girlfriend for about a year and a half now everything has been fine we love each other vary much and have been able to work out all of our relationship issues. We recently started looking for an apartment for us to move into and have even set up appointments to look at some as well as gone shopping for essentials.

About two months ago i found out that she was raped while at a party. She was very upset about it and refused to tell anyone but myself. She was quick to be agitated and upset over small things. I told her she needed to speak to someone before it ate her up but she still refused to do so. She seemed to be getting back to normal somewhat when she decided to tell her friend what happened to her the next night i was over she was in tears and balling and was saying how she thought she had put it behind her. After that things were better for us she was acting normal and didnt seem affected by it to much. Like an idiot i believed what i saw at face value. We had a few people over her house the weekend before last and her friend whom she told about the rape, ditched out on her and the next morning she was upset and was worried that her friend would tell about it and everyone would know. I said it was fine and that her friend wouldnt do that,she seemed ok and believed me. She told me how much she loved me and that i was the greatest boyfriend and that she appreciated everything i did.

Last week on tuesday she was fine acting normal and by thursday she was distant and not talkative. I finally got her to open up and she decided that she needed a break and that she was unsure about us. I asked her when this happened and she told me i dont know i just felt like i didnt want to hangout with you.

I gave her the weekend and last night she told me that she no longer was "in love" with me. I tried to ask her why this happened and most of her answers involved i dont know and im sorry. She then told me that she would give it a week to think about it but to not get my hopes up and it was unlikely that she would get back together with me. (Why i need help fast)

So over the weekend till now ive tried to figure out what could have possibly caused her to fall out of love with me in a span of two days and nothing came to mind she isnt seeing anyone else and she wouldnt do that to me. I then came across today an article about rape trauma syndrome and one of the coping mechanisms around this time after a rape was Flight- Tries to escape the pain (moving, changing jobs, changing appearance, changing relationships, etc.).

So basically what im getting at is this is the only reason i could come up with that would explain her sudden feelings. After what happened she bought hair extentions claiming her hair needed to be longer dyed her hair and everything. So what i would like to know is if you think this the reason for what is going on with her and if you know how long this last. Also my plan was to wait and not contact her till the week is up to see if she has changed her mind and if she has to basically wait to bring this up till were back to being what we were, and if she says she still no longer loves me to bring up what i found and that she should re-examine what she is thinking and that this could be the reason for why this happened and that maybe noticing that she is going through this will cause her to seek treatment. Also that she needs to deal with this in someway and im hoping that it will cause her to change her mind about me and her. I know its coming off like im not letting her choose but i seriously think she is not really aware of the decision she is making and is making it off of feelings that are from the rape and not allowing her to think clearly. I also am the only person she talks to about any of her problems and without me there i dont believe she would be able to deal with her new emotions and im afriad it will overwhelm her and she could do something stupid.

I would greatly appreciate if anyone was able to help me with this issue im worried to death about her and cant do anything cause im afraid i will push her away. Please help me i dont know what else to do

I'm glad you posted. Your girlfriend neds time, space and most of all therapy. She may be in a very painful place right now that is hard to understand. You might want to look up the local rape crisis center for her so that she can look into it. She will be able to talk about her problems without the fear of anyone finding out and gossiping about her. In the hands of a competent therapist she will be able to heal. It sounds like she is trying to reinvent herself and you are very observant to catch onto that. She will not be able to reinvent her life. The feelings will come up no matter how deeply she buries them. Many rape victims feel like the rape was their fault and they have alot of guilt and shame to deal with. She's lucky to have you. Welcome to the group.

Lisa

Because part of me thinks its subconcious or maybe thats just what i want to believe.

One last thing do most people realize that its not gonna help after awhile and maybe reconsider the choices they make or are they pretty dead set on it.

I know i probably sound like a fool holding on to hope like this but i do love her so very much and care about her alot and im not mad her for what she's deciding to do or thinking of doing because of what happened and would wait for her no matter what if there was a chance she could maybe realize that she might not of made the right choice and reignite her feelings of love she had for me.

Post edited by: Tony9719, at: 10/21/2009 05:06 PM

Hiall

I believe it is a subconscious act. Right after I was raped I dyed my hair black, caked on the eyeliner, got rid of my friends and went on a drinking spree. I went from being an A student with a scholarship to any University in the country, to a high school drop out. My family was really freaked to say the least. I know you are going through a hard time. Maybe if your girlfriend had a therapist she could keep some of the good things in her life. After I was raped I threw all the good things in my life away because I felt I didn't deserve them. Your girlfriend is dealing with some powerful feelings right now. Therapy is very helpful and that guy who raped her needs to be in jail.

Lisa

Did this happen while she was in a relationship with you? If so sometimes to push away the memory we have to get rid of everything that reminds us. Which would include relationships. It doesn't work, but it does for a short while. Can you offer to be her friend? If she doesn't want to talk about it then don't. Keeping a friendship alive will give her time to work through some of her feelings. This isn't a gurantee that she'd come back, but keeping lines of communication open will help if she decides to.