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06/26/2009 06:40 AM

thoughts ...

cereal
 
Posts: 8
Member

I have a question to ask everyone who may read this.

What kind of thoughts go through ones mind when something of this nature happens to them? these thoughts can be from recently to many many years ago (such as me). since i bottled this up for many many years, all i've had are thoughts.

Im wondering if people have similar thoughts as i have had or currently still do. just trying to get some insight from others.

-cereal

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06/26/2009 03:25 PM
hiall
hiall  
Posts: 1870
VIP Member

as a father of a survivor i have thoughts of brutal revenge. The other thought is helping survivors. hmmmmmmm what else?.

06/26/2009 07:43 PM
jenn36
jenn36  
Posts: 899
Member

Cereal, That is an awesome question and pretty loaded lol. My first thought: He is the biological father of MY daughter. He was always abusive to me except for the very begining. I left him twice and then the rape happened when I brought up seperation again. I would endure every second of pain, fear, embaressment, and years of nightmares again, if it meant having my baby girl.

But when it was happening and even when remembering all of the fealings I listed above I feel. As for punishment I have to leave that one to GOD because there is nothing else I can do. My hubby was and is afraid coming here is awakening the bad memories. But I told him thatthe memories never go way, they just come out in spurts. So by coming here I have a place to share and hopefully help others, to make something positive come from something evil. I hope this answers your question. Really good thread.

Hugs,

Jenn


06/26/2009 09:41 PM
cereal
 
Posts: 8
Member

I sometimes feel I have a ton of thoughts and feelings toward to what happened to me. Why me? Why was I chosen by 2 huge men to over power me at 18 yrs old, on a constant bases? Shame, guilt, anger, confusion, misunderstanding, sadness, withdrawl, depression, relationships affected, other weird thoughts as well, etc...

I have no idea why now in my early 30's I have more of these thoughts and feelings than ever. I feel like I'm being haunted by the past. Dreams are more real and vivid than ever. I can go on and on...


06/26/2009 10:34 PM
Emilia
Emilia  
Posts: 60
Member

i know what ya mean. After I realized what happend i wondered all the time WHY ME!...i still ask why me, clothes? laughs? "drinks"? destiny? punishment? the way I am? did i have a red arrow over my head that day?? im still mad, i know lots of girls that could have it coming more than i did, and i hated them! even girls at my class who have been looking for something....but nope....happend to me..ugh..

the second time yeah...maybe i had it coming .."had it coming" but again why me! sometimes i also think what if i had a gun, what would have happend? i think a lot of what woulds....Dizzy..

I think since you bottled it up for so many years you are finally realizing and trying to cope and wondering all that is part of it, as long as you dont let it take over you.


06/27/2009 07:08 AM
jenn36
jenn36  
Posts: 899
Member

Emilia sweetie,and cereal NO ONE has it coming. Neither rape was your fault. You didn't ask for it. It is the fault of the deranged pigs out there who think they own everyone and everything. It is common for rape victims to blame themselves, but ya no I just had a AHA moment. There are several ways we give the rapists power over us.

1. We keep it bottled up and don't hold them accountable for what they did. That doesn't mean you have to press charges, I truly believe pressing charges is a personal choice. Another way to hold them accountable is to put the blame where it is deserved, Right Back at Them!

2. Another sanity saver is I truly believe that bad people who do bad things to others, it will eventually come right back to them.

3. There is this "partial myth" that if you were a victim of abuse you grow up to become an abuser. Well I can tell you with such certainity that it is bull*%#t. I was petrified when I became pregnant with my daughter. I was so afraid thatI would abuse her like my mother did to me. Well I haven't and I wont! Having that fear in us is another way of giving control right back to the jerks.

Maybe we can have a thread about ways of taking back pieces of ourselves.

Hugs to all,

Jenn


06/27/2009 08:53 AM
Lilibit58
Lilibit58  
Posts: 1556
Senior Member

I guess I have a different take on it. I'm older and have a different perspective.

Those may be ways we give power to the rapist AFTER the fact, but we actually (most of the time) gave them power BEFORE the attack too. Raising empowered children is one way to help that Rape doesn't happen to your children, but of course you can never totally eliminate it. Random crime is just that random - can happen to the most self assured person too. I'm talking about relationship rape which is the most common. Rapist tend to be controlling people who "test" you beforehand. They test if you tell on minor things or are you a "nice" girl.

Unfortunatley, we cannot rely on the courts to be our salvation. The courts protect the right of the ACCUSED. not the victim. So many get away with it and walk away to do it again. This can reinjure the victim again. I hope no one will depend on the courts for their healing. It just isn't there. From most I hear it is a hollow victory. Some valadation to accept it was not your fault, but you are still stuck with the nightmares and relationship issues eventually.

I used to beleive that bad things happen to bad people, well that just came back on me. Why did it happen to me? it's a bad thing? Does that mean I'm bad. I threw that idea out as total bunk. Well bad things happen to all people. It's how you react to it that matters. There are lots of bad people who suffer no reprecussions or very little in relation to the pain they have suffered on others. If you've been raped it needs to be known that it is never the victims fault NEVER. No one deserves to be raped even if they have made mistakes in their life.

Yes, there is a myth that childhood victims of abuse become abusers, but that's not the total myth. The truth is all abusers (nearly all) were abused as children. The vast majority of victims never abuse anyone (but themselves with drugs and other addictions used to cope). Because you were afraid to hurt your daughter you never will, as you identify with the role of the victim. When the person identifies with the criminal those are the ones who abuse others.

True, living in fear gives them power, you can think of it that way. But you can also think of it that you are smart. Your intelligence saved you from further harm by others. Our fear is survival in overdrive.

I like the idea of how we got back ourselves. I've never gotten back the person I was before, but I am stronger in the long run when I faced my fears as fears that I have control of. I had to face that my coping mechanisms were not working and that I was not living but coping.


06/27/2009 12:53 PM
jenn36
jenn36  
Posts: 899
Member

I definately relate to what you are saying. I know I gave the power to my ex before hand. I had left him twice before. He knew how important it was to me for my daughter to grow up with both parents and he used that to his advantage.

I also agree with the court issues. I pressed charges. I waited 3 years for the trial and would go by myself time after time just for it to be continued. I wrote the governor, senators and representatives. Then the "big" day came. I testified with only my victim witness advocate there for me. No family support. It was extremely hard, it felt like I was raped all over again. The next day my dad came with me. The jury found him guilty of putting the gun to my head, but not the rape. He only got 2 lousy weeks in jail. I guess it was because I lived with him, the jury thought that it was his right. I couldn't speak, I sobbed and threw up in the hall. But the only good thing out of that was when he asked for supervised visitation prior to the trial, I begged the judge to deny it because of what he did to me. The judge agreed with me. Thank God.

I feel that while in the begining I felt very weak mentally, gullable in the sense I thought that everyone has good in them. That I could change him ( my ex) So I don't want to be the old me completely. I know that I can only change me, noone else. I also know that allowing someone to mentally abuse me , while waiting for the "good" to come out will never happen again.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for sharing. I feel we all can learn alot from each other.

Hugs to all,

Jenn


06/27/2009 04:44 PM
hiall
hiall  
Posts: 1870
VIP Member

"It's how you react to it that matters" this is difficult. This group helps me ballance my emotions...

06/27/2009 08:57 PM
arkslc
Posts: 22
Member

I was raped years ago too and am just now accepting that it wasn't my fault. It is one of those things that I know in my head but my heart has had a hard time. I felt that I deserved it because I had strayed from my moral upbringing. I felt it was God's punishment and my rapist punishment for not being obedient. I was WRONG. Bad things happen to both good people and bad people. I tell myself that each day.

Cereal, you didn't deserve what happened to you and I am glad you are talking about it. That really helps.

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