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02/16/2008 05:07 PM

how to enjoy sex again?

lufft
lufftPosts: 73
Member

I've been messed with in that way so many times and have learned to associate sex with bad things. its never been something that i've had, just something that's been done to me.

now with my current boyfriend i find it nearly impossible to enjoy and having sex with him has almost made me resent him in a way even though he isn't doing it to me, hes doing it for me and to show his love for me.

how do i stop thinking of it in a bad way? do you have any advise or suggestions of things that him or i can do?

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02/17/2008 07:59 AM
TeainTN
TeainTN  
Posts: 574
Member

My counselor had my husband and I stop having sex for a few months. she said I had to reprogram myself. We have just in the past week started back but very slowly and I'm in complete control. The main thing is for me to feel safe and loved by my husband. You might want to just stop have sex for a period of time while you heal emotionallly. I had to think about what sex meant to me. It was something to keep HIM happy and I always had this fear that a guy would leave me if I didn't meet his needs. My mom is to blame for this screwed up way of thinking. It was always about his needs and making him happy. It was this way in every relationship. My husband is actually a very giving, caring man. he never knew how I felt about sex and It was upsetting to him when he found out. He felt very guilty but he wasn't to blame he didn't know what what was going on in my head. He has been very patient and I now know he loves me and would go with out sex for the rest of his life if he had to. I feel so safe and secure in my marriage because now it isn't all about him. I feel equal in the relationship. It has been a long difficult road but we are finally getting to the good part.

02/17/2008 08:31 AM
lufft
lufftPosts: 73
Member

my bf felt the same way when i told him yesterday i guess ill try to do what your counceler said to do thanks Smile

02/17/2008 10:53 AM
sweetpea012607

do you guys think that every one who has been through a sexual assault has felt this way? I feel exactly like you're talking about. I feel obligated to be with David... I mean I know he tells me he loves me and that he doesn't care about all that, but it never registers in my head. I think that if we're not together then he'll leave and I won't have anyone in the world left... you know?

02/17/2008 03:07 PM
TeainTN
TeainTN  
Posts: 574
Member

I think this is pretty normal for all of us. I don't think I ever enjoyed sex they way you should. It's suppose to be this wonderful loving experience for both people but I always thought it was something you do to keep a boyfriend. then after the rape and abuse it was really messed up for me.

02/18/2008 12:13 AM
oldglory
oldglory  
Posts: 422
Member

Sexual abuse vs normal sex! My first husband was the first love (ya know, passionate love)of my life. I was 21. In my mind I was still a virgin. I don't know how to explain that statement, but it is true. Even though we had great make-out sessions..lol.. we never had intercourse before our wedding night. The wedding night was a total disaster though. I cried, sobbing crying, the entire evening and night. I couldn't stop, nor could I tell him why. I just kept seeing my dad and mom and what they had done to me . He held me for literally hours, (I still don't know what he was thinking). The next night ....it happened and not a tear was shed. It was, in fact, a very wonderful experience. I was married to him for 20 years and never once told him. I wish now that I had...it would have explained a lot to him about me and my rough edges I think. So, on the whole, I can't say that the incestual sex forced by my dad ever really affected my normal sex life, except that 1 night. But then, sex alone scared the hell out of me and I never stayed with a boyfriend who started hinting about it( bumping boots) lol. That is why I still thought of myself as a virgin I guess.

Love'

Gloria


02/18/2008 05:51 AM
TeainTN
TeainTN  
Posts: 574
Member

well I would consider you a virgin even with what had happened to you. I think it's a gift we give to someone we love. So the first time you give yourself willingly to a man is the real 'FIRST' time. I am sure some would disagree with me but that's my take on the subject. My first and second and third and fourth..... was not what it should have been. I never had the wonderful experience of making love until after I had been abused and tormented by some skum of the earth guys. I have it now with my husband and it's wonderful. I never knew what all the fuss was about but now I do. Wink

02/18/2008 07:12 AM
sweetpea012607

I'm having a really hard time with this, I want to please David so badly, but in my mind that is having sex with him, letting him have his way with me (whether I'm in the "mood" or whatever), and even doing things for him sexually when I really don't want to. I have very bad communication skills. I just don't know how to talk to him about it. I really need help. I even tried talking about it this morning at my session but it didn't work, I nearly burst into tears and all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole. I'm so very confused.

02/18/2008 10:13 AM
Lilibit58
Lilibit58  
Posts: 1556
Senior Member

Well, this totally makes me cry. My first love was the one who raped me. It messed me up worse than being molested did. I was so afraid to tell D*** that I was molested and so afraid that he wouldn't love me if he knew that I pulled away. He felt it and to make a long story short, cheated on me. Then here we were two people feeling guilty and not talking anymore. Fear settles in, he so afraid I would leave him if I found out and me so afraid he would not want me, since I thought of myself as so dirty and unworthy. We had been dating for about 10 months and he respected my feelings about not having sex before we were married. I didn't know he cheated on me until after I broke up with him, so all I saw during the end of the relationship was his overreacting to things. I felt this was all my fault so I told him we could. I didn't do this out of wanting to please him, but came to the realization that love isn't about possessing someone. He was suffering, and I thought it was my fault, I have no greater gift to give than myself. In my case my molester did not have intercourse with me, so I was a virgin still. My first time was beautiful, even with the weird confession of sorts in the middle.

Not having sex with someone until you get to know and trust them is best, especially for someone like us who has been violated. During those 10 months I did learn to trust him, he was understanding and supportive, so I came to him.

Unfortunately, this is what makes it so hard for me to trust again. I let my guard down and got zinged again. So be careful who you trust and then you just have to take the risk. The alternative is just being alone forever with your fear, and that has to be really the pits.

sweetpea, you should never do things you don't want. If he loves and cares for you he probably will be hurt that you didn't tell him. Guys who truly love you would never want to hurt you and would be upset when we don't confide it. The only way to do it is to bite the bullet and sit down and talk to him. I know it's hard, I don't communicate well either. At least not verbally. You probably just need a sexual break to ground yourself again. If you think of sex as sharing instead of meeting someones needs its easier to understand that its more about love, respect and friendship that anything else.

lufft, again you ask wonderful thought provoking questions Smile


02/18/2008 02:15 PM
sweetpea012607

I've written down everything that I can think that me and David need to talk about.. I've been sittin here cryin for the past thirty minutes because I'm so afraid of what's going to happen. I love him so much..
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