Rape Support Group

Have any of you had experience with dissociation?

Back in January, I woke up at my friends house, next to her in bed, with a very vague memory of my pastor being at my apartment. She said I jolted up in bed and asked her as if it was all a dream "did I see pastor tonight?" I start to remember, when she was relaying the nights events to me.

I had NO memory of it what so ever. I had a stuffed animal guarding the door with knives. I had the couch and many other things baracading the door. I acted drunk. I got in my friends face, yelling at her. I would not look anyone in the eyes. I threw up. I guess my friend touched me and I started flailing my arms and freaking out on her.

I was super embaressed and it took me a few days to get some confidence back in myself. I am 28 yr old adult!

Then I started to wet the bed at night. I still have a hard time coping with this one.

The dissociative amnesia has happened twice again since then. Both times, with no memory of it what so ever. Once I woke up in my closet, with knives surrounding me. The other time I woke up in bed, where my stuffed animal was sopping wet. I had apperantly taken a bath with him, and also scrubbed my skin raw in certain areas.

I started seeing a therapist that is 2 hours away from me. My church is paying for it, and have been amazing through all this, as well as my therapist. My therapist talked to my pastor for hours while she was on vacation to tell him how to approach me when this happens and the likes.

I guess the first time it happened, my friend said the other pastor was the kindest most gentle person. That he just knew what to do.

I am a very VERY analitical person, and to have no memory of it, drives me nuts.

I feel like I am going crazy.

Sometimes I feel like simply a audiance member of my own life.

One time I was in the shower, and sat there looking at myself feeling as if I did not fit my body. I felt so weird and odd about that!

Me and the one pastor totally joke now to. Well mostly me joking about it.

I guess when he was here the one night I had monkey face guarding the door, he asked me what he was doing and I said "He is guarding the door!" my friend Caramia said, he was so sweet and as if he encountered that daily said "of course he is."

Now sometimes when I see him, and he asks how I am, I will reply "no monkeys guarding the door today, its a good day!" and we both laugh.

But I HATE THIS!!!! I hate to hear second hand from people the irrational behavior I have. Even though I often laugh at it. Like trying to jump out of my friends car WITH my seatbelt on. Duh!!!!! Well I am glad I had it on.

Reverting back to childlike behavior. I am a grown functional active adult. I do not want to be acting like a child, wetting the bed, and carrying around stuffed animals!

I really feel like I am going crazy. My therapist keeps telling me I am progressing, even though it totally feels like regressing. *sigh* I know the trauma is coming out, weather I want it to or not. I just would rather not act out the trauma when I am not even aware of it. I feel like I have no control. Which is the worst feeling ever. As I know anyone who has been abused knows!!!

Have any of you been there? Did it get better? How long did it take to feel confident? How did you reduce the dissocation?

Tina

Hi Poetgirl,

I don't know if I was dissociative but I am 36 and my rape was 16 yrs. ago. Anyways I am on several meds, been on them for a while and then all of a sudden I satrted having bladder accidents at night, and when I would go to the bathroom, several times I would fall, and not even know I was falling until half way down. It's like I'd wake up and then wham. I have a scar from splitting my eye open, I broke 2 out of 3faucetsin the tub with my back when falling backwards into it. Those were the worst ones.

Funny thing though, it's the bladder thing that bothers me. So I sympathize with you on that one.

Hugs,

Jenn

I am dissociative a lot of the time, but not in that way. Dissociating is like a waking daydream. I know with alters you can do things you don't remember as the alter is in charge at that time. I thought dissociative amnesia was not remembering the abuse, that I had. I had the bad memories and my sexuality all locked behind a door in my head - those things belonged to Elsie. The abuse hapened to her. It is the mind's creative way of dealing with the undealable. My abuse started at 4 and ended with the rape at 6 years old. I split during the rape and was sitting next to myself watching what was happening, my little child mind could not deal with it so I split apart from my body. My mind had to something wiht the split part, so she was named Elsie. I used to talk and answer myself when I talked to her, but was made fun of by my mother so I put her away in a room in my head. She pretty much stayed there, I completely forgot the abuse, like it never happened, until I was 15 and had my first boyfriend. Then she was knocking down the door to get out, as my sexuality was in there with her. I was a total tomboy with no sexual feelings up until this point. Then the flashback started, the nightmares, the thinking I was crazy because I didn't know what was going on. When I am under stress I dissociate in that I'm off in my own little world. I have blanks in my memory becasue when in that state I do not experience what is really going on as I am "checked out." Dissociating has stages and there are types. I'll look them up and post here as it's a good topic. Rape and sexual abuse are the main cause of dissociative disorders, that I do know.

Lori

PS Welcome to the group Poetgirl

Here is a link:

http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/ Understanding+dissociative+disorders.htm

Lori,

When I was 17, I took the last physical beating from my "egg donor". While my step father sat on my back, she was hitting me and my 5 yr. old sister was standing there mortified. I lost it. It is still so clear in myhead almost 20 yrs later. I felt like I was watching from the outside at what was happening. Apparentlythe next day my step father told the -itch, that he needed to work out more because he was hurting the next day. I was like huh, who was sitting on who. Ididn't realize that I dissociated then. I guess my blackout fallingwas from something else. Thanks for the info.

Hugs,

Jenn

Thanks so much for sharing and the information. I might be getting the terms wrong and the likes. I just know my therapist has told me it is dissociating and I have looked up some things and so I might not have the right phrases or the likes.

Thanks for the link. It is so appreciated. It is nice to know I am not alone.

I am on SS disablity, have been for years. I got off the streets at 20, (long story, sometimes I feel I have lived 100 lives!) anyways, I was on 11 psych meds for a long time. Not to mention my own use of drugs, and self harm. Now I have been off drugs for a year, self harm hasnt happened but once this year. I have been off ALL psych meds since December.

Now this crap is happening.

I feel crazier now than I ever did on all the meds and the likes.

Hi Poetgirl, Congrats on being drug free for a year. That is a big accomplishment, same goes for the self harming. Only once in a year is very good. You must be trying so hard, and I bet all you are going through now makes it even harder. Good luck to you hun.

Hugs,

Jenn

Very proud of you for being drug free for this length of time. True healing can't happen until you are not modified by a substance. It is harder, not all those demons you were trying to keep at bay with the drugs are up and in your face. When we are used to finding something to help us it's doubly hard to cope. It's learning new skills to manage it so we don't revert back to old coping habits. And that is what they are,,,habits. The crap in our heads just stays their until we are strong enough to deal with it. So if you are here looking for help you must be ready. Stay strong and ask questions and post what your feeling. We all will support you as best we can