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07/20/2012 05:21 PM

My wife was raped

BunkeredYeti
Posts: 4
New Member

I am a sailor in the United States Navy. I came home from my second deployment in May of this year. Three days ago my wife came to me and said that she was taken advantage of sexually while I was gone. She never said she was raped, but the story she told me is consistent with how sexual predators operate.

She told me that she was at a house party and she was drinking. She doesn't know if something was slipped in her drink or what happened. But she said a guy (a former US Army soldier) started talking with her and offered to give her a ride home. He then helped her up the stairs. She then used the bathroom and when she came out he was still there. And that's all she really remembers. All she knows is that he had sex with her. She doesn't remember if it was forced or not. All she knows is that it happened. Also this guy has asked her about it before. He tried his best to convince her to have sex with him for about 2-3 months before this while I was deployed.

She is blaming herself for it happening. She feels like she was unfaithful. And if she is telling me the truth (she has never given me a reason not to trust her) this sounds like a rape to me.

Since I found out about this three days ago I have had terrible mood swings. One second I am the angriest I have ever been, and the next its denial, deep sadness, and then back to anger. I just feel sick that somebody else knows that part of my relationship. The worst part is that this guy lives one block away. It has taken everything I have to stop myself from just walking out the door and finding this person and killing him. I would probably be in jail if I didn't see my uniform and my bible when I jumped out of bed to put on some clothes when I first found out about this.

I would like to press charges, build a case to put this person in jail. I have a feeling that this isn't the first time he has done this to somebody and I feel that it is now our duty to make sure he can't do it to anybody else. But my wife doesn't want to press charges. She doesn't want her parents or my parents to find out this happened. She has having the typical feelings of a victim. I have set up counseling for us. I dont want her to feel like it was her fault. I guess the ideal solution of this is her to become strong enough to press charges and do whatever it takes to get this person behind bars. But I can't see that happening in the near future.

I suppose my biggest issue right now is what I might do if i lose control of my emotions. I'm afraid of what i might say or do to this person if i ever see him. I know that violence is never the answer, but I have never been this angry and it scares me. I don't even want to go home to because I feel like I would be putting myself at risk of snapping and hurting him or worse. I have been spending most of my time on my ship when my wife is at work and when she is at home I try to keep us occupied away from the house.

I just need advice on how to handle this.

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07/20/2012 08:44 PM
hiall
hiall  
Posts: 1868
VIP Member

Hello BunkeredYeti and welcome to the group. I am so sorry this happened to your wife. Yes it sounds like she was drugged and raped. This is absolutely NOT your wife's fault and she shouldn't feel guilty. You have a lot of courage for holding your self back from hurting this scum bag that did this to your wife. Your wife needs you right now and i dont think violence is the answer right now. Going to the police should be your wifes decision. Her inner security was taken from her and she needs to work on getting this back. Her making decisions will help in her healing. I think its great that you want to go to counseling with her. This should also be her decision if and when she wants to go. I would just suggest it. If she doesnt feel like going right now that is perfectly fine. But this shouldn't stop you from going. The more you learn how to support your wife the faster the healing process will start.

Here is a link to some helpful information that i recommend you read, very helpful: http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/rape-discussions/medicine- treatments/3576442-a-mans-guide-to-helping-a-woman-who-has- been-raped

Please use the forum to heal, vent and make new friends. You have a lot of support here. Please private message me any time you or your wife want to talk. Your not alone.

Thank you for what you do for our country.

Hiall

Post edited by: hiall, at: 07/20/2012 08:55 PM


07/21/2012 12:17 AM
Olly28
Olly28  
Posts: 18
New Member

Hi,

I'm really sorry for what happened to you and your wife. I agree with hiall, it sounds like she was drug raped to me. It's 100% not her fault & I am glad you are aware of all that!  Rape is horrible, life changing thing. I know this oh so well.

My girlfriend was raped on New Years Eve just gone and I can honestly say it's changed every part of me, my girlfriend and our life. (We kind of share this profile name so it might be confusing to you if you have seen other posts from her, although she really only used to pm one friend, she rarely reads anything more). I don't often reply to peoples posts in the forum because there aren't many guys around on here asking for help, I have PM'd you but right now dealing with personal things going on with my girlfriend so might take a while to reply. I'll explain more if you want to chat. I felt really like I needed to write you, we 're in similar situations. 

I won't go into details here to protect my girlfriends identity and story but if you would like to, your welcome to PM me and we can chat. I am happy to talk about anything, trust me I have come to learn not to worry about what I talk about as to get through this you really need to delve deep and just be an open book.. It's great you've looked into therapy/counselling? I know it seems like a scary thought and thing to do but I do think it's helped us a lot. I went first then my girlfriend started going too. It helped me no end! 

The people you will find here and speak to are amazing and offer all kinds of support. I truly believe life for myself and my girlfriend could be miles different if it wasn't from the people we have met and made friendships with on this forum.

Take care of you and your wife, good luck with everything.! .

Hope to speak soon


07/21/2012 06:02 AM
clemaire
clemaire  
Posts: 883
Senior Member

HI Bunkeredyeti, Welcome to the group. I'm so sorry for what you and your wife have been through and are going through now. As Hiall said it does sound like your wife may have been drugged. If not, if he fed her a lot of hard alcohol, a woman with a blood alcohol level over .25 is legally unable to consent. The fact that your wife feels so bad about it and blames herself are classic signs of rape. I'm glad you decided on counseling. Counseling nearly saved my life! Please let your wife know that she is welcome on the forum any time. I know how angry this must make you feel and choosing not to act on it is the best thing. As Hiall said, it's important to let your wife choose whether or not to report him. He likely has done this before and may do it again. Please feel free to private message me with any questions or concerns. You have a lot of support here and you and your wife are not alone.

clemaire


07/22/2012 01:15 PM
BunkeredYeti
Posts: 4
New Member

Well my wife did tell me more information about our situation. She was scared to tell me and I understand. She said she remembers it happening. I'm not sure if it's still rape. She said that she didn't fight it. She didn't say no or yes. She just let it happen. A small part of her was scared to stop it but she said she suppressed those feelings and just got through it. She didn't ever have sex with him. It was him doing all the work and when he told her to change positions she obeyed. After it was finished he told her to take a shower and told her she wa gross because she didn't want to. He made sure she knew what to do if senfot pregnant (abortion) and then he continued to stay the night. Is this still rape? She was drunk, not sure if he was. I'm just confused and I dont want to believe that she was unfaithful. Sometimes I feel like I'm just telling myself it was a rape to hide the ugly truth that maybe she was unfaithful. I need help

07/22/2012 03:06 PM
sarah225
 
Posts: 40
Member

She was drunk and scared, an acquaintance took advantage of that. We all react differently in those situations. It's fight, flight or freeze. And from what I'm told, the majority freeze. It's a perfectly normal biological response that can not be blamed on your wife. You said she was scared, she didn't want it to happen and she did what she had to to get through it. Sounds like someone trying to survive, not someone seeking companionship when her partner's away. He even took the time to tell her to have an abortion, tried to get rid of the evidence by ordering her to shower, and she refused, she resisted. It was rape. The Canadian Forces have many services members can access, I'm sure the States have the same thing, maybe accessing one of them can help you through this? I know it's hard to go seek help, I was raised a base brat so I know how members try to keep it all bottled up and refuse to talk to someone about what's going on, but the weight of the world can't rest on one person... You are both very brave and will make it through this.

07/22/2012 03:28 PM
clemaire
clemaire  
Posts: 883
Senior Member

Sarah225 is right. It was rape. As she said, everyone responds differently to it. The fact that she was drunk means that she could not consent. Some women's bodies even go through a biological process whereas their bodies will actually secrete fluids so that it won't hurt as much. It's is physiological and a completely subconscious thought when their bodies do this. Some women have even had an orgasm during rape which makes it so much harder on them because they don't know why. I guess what I'm saying is that everyone's bodies react differently during rape. There is no one way about it. She did not consent and she was drunk. I'm sorry but it was definitely rape. Feel free to PM me anytime.

clemaire


07/24/2012 01:35 PM
leigha83
leigha83  
Posts: 1351
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Yes, this was rape. There was no "love making" involved here. He took advantage of her and knew exactly what he was doing. The fact that he drove her home and then waited for her to get out of the bathroom shows me he had it all staged. She told you that she was scared and just went through the motions. He raped her. She did not cheat on you.

To make it worse, he told her to get an abortion if she became pregnant and to shower even though she didn't want to . This SOB had it all planned out. I would assume that if she would have refused to shower he would have beat her and thrown her in the shower himself. He didn't want any evidence to be left.

I would say something to someone because it sounds to me like this is not his first time doing this to some poor women.


08/27/2012 08:09 AM
BunkeredYeti
Posts: 4
New Member

Well it's been awhile since my last post. My wife and I are going to counselling through the military, which is good but we don't get to go as often as I would like. A few weeks ago she told me some other details. She was sexually assaulted 2 other times while I was gone. I just live day to day expecting more bad news.

The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that I warned her about this. I told her I don't feel comfortable with her going to parties while I was gone. I didn't like the fact that she would have people over at the house late at night. I didn't like that she would go over to "friends" houses late at night. I warned her that rape and sexual assault could happen. I told her that I trust her but will not trust other people I don't know. She didn't understand that and kept on defending her behaviour. All this stuff led to her losing her job, getting behind on bills, and moving out of our apartment to something cheaper. She refused to listen to me. And when I got home she tried to get meto go out to house parties and bars with her "friends." I'm so mad at that. She told me about this guy who rapped her. Before she told me what he did she said he was a good guy. After we found out that we lived a block away from him at our new place she said maybe we could han out with him sometimes. I'm just angry that she would listen to my warnings, and tried to get me to go down the same destructive path with her. It's like when I was gone she just didn't care. (before the rape and sexual assaults) I told her that her behaviour makes me uncomfortable, and that it needs to change. When I'm away I make sure that I don't do anything to make her worry about me. I asked her to do the same and she got mad at me. I eventually got mad and told her that if she wants to be married to me she needs to stop acting like she is single and become a wife. She posted some nude pictures of herself on the Internet and had inappropriate online relationships. And I couldnt get a regular picture of her or an email when I was deployed. I'm so angry at that stuff. She lost her job spent most of the money on herself and friends and I couldn't even get an email from her.

I want to believe that she was not in her right mind. She was lonely and that guy who rapped her toke away any confidence or feeling of self value away. But sometimes it's hard to believe that because of all the stuff that happened before the rape. And she just kept going out to parties with the same shit bag friends that didn't care about her.


08/27/2012 04:48 PM
hiall
hiall  
Posts: 1868
VIP Member

Hello BunkeredYeti, i am sorry about what your going through and what happened to your wife. What happened to your wife was not her fault. People should be able to go out and have a good time. Yes there are dangerous people out there and we all need to make precautions. Still, it wasnt her fault. Its great that you guys are going to counseling, do they specialize in sexual assault or family counseling? I think family counselling might be a good idea too.
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