Rape Support Group

I've felt for the past 2 weeks or so that I've been doing so much better than the initial month or so after I was raped. I've gotten away with my friend and have actually been enjoying and distracting myself. I've been writing and I think it's helped purge a lot of the tension within me.

But, despite this I've begun self harming. I'm not suicidal or anything but I've cut myself a few times now and continue to reopen the wounds.

I look at the marks and I'm almost confused by it...sort of entranced I guess. And as a side note, I've been chain smoking like a fiend. I know this isn't healthy.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has any experience with this? I've heard that self harming is a common reaction after sexual assault, but I still am uncertain as to why I've started (and feel like I might continue) doing this. I thought and still feel that I'm doing better so I'm stumped as to what's going on with me. I can't deny that I still feel discontented from my former self, and that it bothers me, but I'm definitely not in the state of desperation I was before. So why would I be doing this if I've been feeling better? I never imagined I would do something like this. It's weird.

If anyone can relate and cares to comment I'd really appreciate it.

Post edited by: belle92, at: 07/03/2012 01:29 PM

Hi Belle. Let me start out by saying that it is true. It's a very common reaction to rape trauma. I did it too. In your case maybe since your feeling detached from yourself and possibly numb; your doing to feel something. There are so many reasons people do it. I did it because I thought it would "let my anxiety out". It's not something you want to make a habit of. It's very habit forming and dangerous. Even if it's superficial some of those cuts can become scars that remind you of the rape every time you see them. I have one really prominent scar and I hate it. I've known of some women that have accidentally cut too deep and wound up at the emergency room.

In my opinion, I would try to stop when I'm ahead of the game which is where you are now. You can try keeping a hair tie around your wrist and whenever you feel an urge you can snap it at your wrist until the feeling is no longer there. You can hold an ice cube in a hand until you can't stand it anymore. These are the alternatives that worked for me. I know there are other alternatives out there too. Hiall has a link that you can read about it but I think you could maybe find it under medicines and treatments? I'm sure he'll chime in later with the link too.

The smoking? I'm not as concerned about that as I am with self-injury although some people believe it's the same. Your not alone. This all happened to me too. I started chain smoking in Jan. of 09'. I continued for at least a year and then became a full on smoker. I'm down to 1 or 2 ciggs a day now. I just smoke a couple in the morning. I'm not sure what happened but the urge very slowly wore off. I guess I really don't need that 1 a day and my body and lungs are very happy now.

Don't rush it. There will be a day that you don't smoke and smell it on someone else. Then your like, "Ewww, did I smell like that"? Anyways, I was wondering if sometime soon we could make a contract to not self-harm. It's normally done by signing something but I'll take your word! PM me anytime you like!

clemaire

I hadn't thought about using a hair tie before but that makes sense. It would be much safer. I think my concern lies less with the actual harm I'm driven to inflict and more with why I'm doing this. Considering the fact that I've thought that I had been doing so much better. It's like I think I feel better then I start doing this to myself. It's kind of turning my head inside out.

And as far as the smoking thing...I realize that chain smoking isn't necessarily something that has to be connected to trauma, but I started it around the same time as the cutting so I thought I'd mention it.

I appreciate your advice to just not rush. It helps to have someone say that. I think that's at the root of it all. I just can't fathom that I'm doing this but I am. I don't want to bring it up anymore because its so worn out. I'm in a middle ground of sorts...feeling like it's not real for a while then being struck hard by the realization it is. I get angry at myself for even thinking about it.

Patience is probably my best thing to strive for now.