Rape Support Group

Hi...

I have been struggling a lot lately. I was raped at age 18 by a stranger who broke into my home. He attempted to strangle me to death and somehow I managed to get away. I fought like hell. I am not doing okay. Yesterday was the anniversary. It seems every year, whether I am conscious of it or not, I begin to have this reactions. I have lost my appetite, my insomnia is completely out of control. As a result of all of this, to add insult to injury, I was fired from my job where I was formerly very well-esteemed. I feel like a huge failure and a horrible person and just... well I just wish I was dead. Really. I know I could never do that to my family or my cat (as silly as that sounds) and I don't have any health insurance or money. What is a person in my set of circumstances supposed to do. I can't get these images of hanging myself out of my head. I have thought about crazy methods of dying that I never considered before. A lethal dose of heroin sounds appealing... but I have never done that drug in my life. What the hell am I supposed to do?? I am sorry if this post is disturbing. I am feeling horrible and I have honestly never felt so at-risk for doing something stupid before. I want to believe tommorrow will be a better day... but it never is. It hasn't been for 13 years. I am at a loss. A person... formerly so resourceful and resilient... I am a failure to myself and a failure to my family and friends. I feel like total garbage. Yesterday is an hour and fifteen minutes behind me and I'm reliving it all in my head. The face I see is still this person I never knew but robbed me of so many years of my life. I want my life back and I cannot seem to get it. It's dark and fuzzy without my glasses on. Getting ready to sleep like I always did. Then a monster; they aren't supposed to be real... It jumped out and stole my innocence. Changed my course. Took my dignity. Will I ever sleep again?

I need a catalyst, to rekindle the flame

That once burned within these fists where defeat remains

The night has fallen down the staircase...

I need a catalyst, to rekindle the flame

That once burned within these fists where defeat remains

One Februrary night, we screamed our agonies

And I swear I tried to care

I tried, I tried...

But the icicles hung down like prison bars...

I need a catalyst, to rekindle the flame

That once burned within these fists where defeat remains

One February night, we screamed our agonies

And I swear I tried to care

I tried, I tried...

(And) I lost the will to fight...

The will to fight...

(I lost the will to fight... I lost the will to fight... I lost it... I lost

it...

I lost the will to fight.)

Post edited by: foxmachine19, at: 06/21/2012 04:21 AM

Hello foxmachine19. I am so sorry about what happened to you. What happened to you is horrific and no one deserves to be treated like that. What happened to you was not your fault. I dont believe your stupid, anyone would feel the same and have the same problems if the same thing happened to them. The way you feel is completely normal. I dont believe you are a failure either. It takes time to heal from something horrific. I dont believe your a horrible person, i think you are still the beautiful person you were before this happened. You say you have been at a loss for 13 years. Have you seen a therapist or do you want to? I think this will help a lot when you are ready. Do you have any support at home? Friends you can talk to? Have you ever called RAINN and talked to one of there advocates?

I am really glad you are here. You have lots of support here. Use the forum to heal, vent and make new friends. If you want, private message me or the other group leaders here, we can talk about anything.

We care about you here and want you to get better.

You mentioned you wish you were dead. I am really sorry you feel this way and i hope things get better soon so you can feel good. I want to give you this number just in case. (good people on this line that care) National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1 800-273-TALK.

Post edited by: hiall, at: 06/21/2012 05:41 PM

Hello foxmachine19. Welcome to the group. I'm so very sorry for what you have been through and what your going through now. That is horrific. You deserve to have a happy life. I know how it feels to see tomorrow look as bad as it is today. I've been there. I think the first year anniversary is the worst one! I felt the same way you are feeling now. Helpless. No one has any idea how bad it really feels. I stayed up all night, slept all day, and couldn't hold a job because of my high emotions, (probably from paranoia)calling in sick, and leaving early. I isolated a lot too. I just want you to know that I feel better now. There is hope. I'm glad your here. As Hiall said, you will get a lot of support here. PM me anytime.

clemaire

I lost my job last friday over the very same reasons you listed. Now that I have no job all I do is sleep all day, and stay up all night. I am depressed and sad and feel alone. Ever since I lost my job all of the people I met there, and some I became friends with, have prettty much disappeared. I have no family here where I am living and very few friends. I am starting school in September and I am so afraid I am not going to be able to get it together enough to keep from failing... again. My life, since I was raped, has been marked by one failure after another and that is diffiuclt when you come from a family of highly educated people who pressure you to get your degree. They have told me so many times how disappointed they are in me for not being "done by now," have said all the wrong things "You're lucky to be alive," or "You need to get over it." But none of them have taken the time to understand what PTSD does to a person. It sounds as though your PTSD was very severe like mine was/is. I have made improvements over the years, but I am not "over it" nor will I ever be. I didn't get the help I needed when it first happened. The anniversaries weren't bad in the beginning because I had turned to alcohol and was always drunk. But now that I am older, I have reigned in some of those behaviors and am finally trying to actually deal with it. It is hard...

I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. It's only been one year right? Who can "get over it" in a year?! I come from the same kind of family and back ground. I was never good enough, especially in my dad's eyes. He did tell my mom I needed to be over it by now and my brother told her the same thing. When I finally turned my offender into the police my dad told my mom, "it's about effin time". The good thing is that I had my mom's support and my mom is queen of the family! They let me live in their guest room for over a year afterwards. I was so scared to go back to being on my own. I just knew I had to do it sometime. Yes, PTSD seems to be the latest diagnosis for almost everything. For us though...it's very real. I even bought a gun and took lessons. One day I would feel great, then the next 2 days I would isolate. My gosh, I even had this really big sensation of wanting to steel. I never stole anything in my life, then suddenly I just had this massive urge to do it. Like he stole something from me and it was stemming from that? I'm not sure. Seeing as though your parents are educated, have they ever tried to educate themselves on rape trauma syndrome or PTSD? There is so much information out there. You just have to look/google.

clemaire

I know! That's the frustrating thing. My parents are smart people. My father is a veterinarian and my mother is an administrator for education. My brother is an accountant and my sister is an attorney. Somehow google is too hard for them. First things first... It has been well over a year. This happened back in 1999! I was 18 at the time. The guy was someone I had never seen before in my life and he attacked me in my childhood home. From what my psychiatrist now tells me, because I never got help for my condition right away, it has been allowed to fester and cause this very self-destructive pattern in my life over the years. I am just now getting the help I need. The PTSD never fully went away.. I still suffer from it and am living on my own for the first time in 12 years. It is scary. When I go to bed at night, or rather in the early morning, I am convinced that I keep hearing my door open or a sound from a closet and I jump out of bed with my pepper spray and search only to find no one is there. I avoided living without roommates or some sort of other person for so many years that now that I am alone, I don't know how to handle it. I want to get a gun and a dog, but I am sort of afraid to get a gun. I am afraid in one of my weaker moments I might turn it on myself. I just don't know how to move past this. My p-doc also said... my brain's very physiology has changed as a result of living in this constant "alert state" and that my body is constantly searching for the same danger I faced all those years ago. I have been revictimized also... drugged once and date raped... then date raped again, then 2 more attempted date-rates, but again, I fought and screamed. There are people in the world who have the ability to see you are vulnerable and take advantage. It's a major reason why I put a stop to the binge drinking. But sometimes all I wanna do is drink... alone... that way no one can take advantage of me...

What do you do now to make your self feel good? Do you like to excersize? Do you have friends that support you? Maybe hunt for new friends? Maybe a new hobby to get your mind on something else?

Well, I do like yoga, and I like softball. I love to swim. I would like to find some place where I can swim for exercise but where I live, the summers are short and there are surprisingly not very many indoor pools. It's weird. I tried the YMCA, but the memberships are expensive. I can't afford it. For now, I am spending my time trying to find work and trying not to be afraid of everyone. I bought a ukulele and got a sewing machine for my birthday, so those are 2 things I want to pursue, but lessons require money and I have very little. I begin school in September and I hope I can make new friends. I am shy and it is hard for me because I don't trust anyone. But i am going to try. And I am going to school for myself, to answer the question you asked earlier via PM. My parents would have liked it to be done with by now... I am 31, after all, but they don't understand how difficult it has been for me. I was poised and ready to go when I graduated high school. I was ambitious and was always a very good student. I still am very ambitious, but I hate to fail, so I have just tried to wait until a time when I would be least likely to fail. I thought that time would be now, but I am just not sure anymore. Losing my job was a huge blow. I filed a complaint with the EEOC and am nervous they will dismiss it, but I am hopeful theyy will see i was being discriminated against. Anyway... I am working on myself and I just hope soon I can get back to being clear-minded and un-afraid and ready to take on the world.

I had to google ukulele.. hehe.. thats cool that your learning how to play that. I have always wanted to learn how to play guitar but never set aside the time to do it because im more interested in something else.

I think its great you postponed school. Imo seems like the best time to learn is when you want to. Maybe get more out of it that way.

Have you ever thought of joining a therapy group? This might be good for you and you may also get some new friends at the group to.

What kind of job are you looking for now? or are you? Have you tried the temp agency's? My wife and my sister got a job through temp agency's. They said you have to bug them once a week.

Hiall, you don't know what a ukulele is? Come on now. Didn't you ever watch Hawaii Five O?! Hee! Foxmachine, it was me that sent you the PM. I love yoga too. I've also looked into the YMCA and WYCA. It is expensive. More expensive than a gym membership! I agree with Hiall. It is okay to put school on hold right now. You will get your money's worth once your able to focus better. It does (school) seem to linger over your thoughts though. Well, I'm 40. No finished degree yet. Everyone else in my family has one so it makes me feel bad once in a while. I know when to not push myself too hard. Take care of you right now and don't worry about things like that right now. Maybe try to set a goal each week? I did that. Little tiny ones at first. Just getting to my yoga class was a goal. Passing a class was too. You can make up anything like going for a walk, etc. It really does help to get out of the house. My therapist used to tell me that whatever I was feeling, I should do the opposite.