I'm so sorry for the both of you.
I've been having similar problems, especially in the first few months. My boyfriend was feeling overwhelmed and powerless, just as you seem to and that's perfectly normal.
The one biggest thing that he did was talk to someone outside of our relationship. (We're lucky that his boss used to be a social worker). It's fantastic that he's able to vent and say exactly what he wants to say to someone without having to worry about my reading into it wrong or "making me worse". It's made it a lot easier on us both. She was able to tell him exactly what would help me when I was too shocked and confused to know what to tell him.
I don't know exactly what it is she told him, but here are somethings that he's done since he's found support:
- I can say that he doesn't try to push information out of me.
He'll say something like "I still don't know what happened exactly, but I'm sure you'll tell me when you feel ready". It's a gentle way of asking that doesn't make me feel bad for not being able to vocalize what happened yet. He'll only ask things like that every other month; very, very rarely.
- He stays on my side, no matter my decisions.
My father was my rapist, at first I found it difficult to cut him completely out of my life. He didn't make me feel like an idiot for that. Now that I have nearly completely cut him out, his demeanor hasn't changed, he's still on my side.
- He reminds me that I can talk to him about it.
If I need to talk, he's able to sit there and listen and reminds me to not worry about him when I'm talking through it. He doesn't freak out, yell or storm off at the information I'm sharing. He can just listen.
- He's there, no matter the time or where we are.
Nights are scary, but I'm quite good at hiding my emotions. Somehow he knows when things are going wrong and he's able to just be there, hold me and let me cry no matter the time, no matter how little sleep he'll be getting. He also told me that if I needed him, screw work, just come by the shop. And there were times when I had to do just that. No problems, he was there.
The above are just examples, and things will be different for you and her. But it's important for you to both find things that will help. Ask her if when she's having a panic attack she'd rather be held, or left alone, or just hold her hand, or maybe smash something (destroying broom handles was therapeutic for me).
The biggest thing I can say is that survivors are always told and almost expected to seek help. Their partners should feel that they can too. Having someone to talk to is vital for you too. Whether it's a friend, a professional, a relative, just as long as you are both comfortable with the person. I told my bf to find one person to talk to and told him as long as the person he talked to could keep it to themselves and not treat me any differently he had my blessing. This is traumatic and nerve racking for you too.
If she hasn't been able to tell you yet, thank you for being there for her, I can guarantee you, your courage, strength and presence mean more than the world to her.
It does get better.
Good luck.
