Rape Support Group

I know this subject has already been used (the exact words). I didn't realize until after I posted it...sorry I just couldn't think of a more appropriate question.

I've been extremely confused and haunted by an experience that happened in April. I'm feeling really trapped and increasingly anxious and upset. I'd just like some input or opinions. I don't know if I was raped or what.

Here's what happened:

I came home from college for a short break. I went the dive bar down the street from my house with my two friends like usual. One of them left, and I was already pretty drunk. But then I continued to drink with my remaining friend and admitedly got sufficiently trashed. She left...I'd never been there alone before. But, I didn't even realize she'd gone at first. She isn't the most trustworthy person anymore. But anyway there was a guy there who had kissed me earlier and the last thing I remember was sitting alone with him at a table. I blacked out and then came to and I was in a bed with him. I didn't know where I was and still have no memory of getting there. I just woke up and was having sex with him. I was a virgin up to this point. I was just stunned. But here's where my dilemma begins...I didn't physically resist him or get angry or tell him to stop. I was still completely drunk and only remember realizing I had no idea where I was. I didn't know what to do so I just sort of gave up and he continued. Finally, it started getting daylight outside, and I was sobering up enough to get up. I left after he'd gone to sleep. I walked outside and saw that I was in some house by a river but I still had no idea where...I just knew it was deep in a hollow so I picked a direction and walked. Luckily it was the right way because I was in such a blur the whole way. I was crying. I ended up walking 6 miles home.

After a while my friend came by for some reason. I told her what happened but I kept blurting out details that made it sound a lot less worse then it was. I don't know why I was doing this. I feel like I was convincing myself as well.

I saw him a few nights later (after I'd actually learned his name and decided to leave my house again) and I spoke to him like it was all cool. He even said he was sorry that I'd walked home and I said it was no big deal.

I put it out of my head as much as I could for a while. Sort of believing I was into it. But, in the past few weeks I'm noticing changes in my personality and I can't stop thinking about it. I feel afraid all the time. I used to be fearless...almost reckless (which is also making me feel like I had this coming). I also will have moments of just like...inner rage and embarrassment toward myself. I really hate myself for how I dealt with it initially. Not to mention for letting myself be taken advantage of.

Basically this is really becoming an emotional problem and I'm afraid of what it will spiral into unless I get a grasp on it. Was I raped? Did my previous actions cause me to wind up in a situation like this? I feel like I can't return to my friend because of how I played the situation off originally. I don't want to come off as someone with "buyers remorse" or whatever. Like I'm just suddenly switching my story.

I'd really appreciate any help I can get with this.

Post edited by: belle92, at: 05/29/2012 04:47 AM

Post edited by: belle92, at: 05/29/2012 04:48 AM

Post edited by: belle92, at: 05/29/2012 04:49 AM

Post edited by: belle92, at: 05/29/2012 05:05 AM

Hello belle92. Welcome to the group. I am so very sorry for what you have been through and of course what you are going through now. Your friend should not have left you there a lone. If a woman has a blood alcohol level over .25 then she is legally unable to consent. The only problem is that it's very hard to prove. Whether you were or not does not give a man the right to take advantage of you in such a state. I mean he had to have known that you were very drunk. Also, you said you woke up and you were having sex. How were YOU having sex if you had just woke up? It's highly possible that he started when you were still passed out which would be rape. I think you need to listen to your gut instinct. If you are now feeling all these awful feelings it could very well indicate that your body knows that something very wrong happened to you. When it comes to your friend who came over the next day, was it the one who left you alone or the one who left first? If the girl who came over was the one that just left you at the bar then I don't see a problem with not talking to her again. If it was a good friend you may be able to explain that you were making excuses about it to down play it in your own mind in hopes of feeling better. If she is a good friend she will understand. Your first step is coming here. You will get a lot of support here. It may be a good idea to call RAIIN. The number is at the bottom of this page in smaller writing. They are specially trained to counsel and help you. They can refer you to a crisis center in your area and sometimes even free or low cost counseling. Please think about doing so. In the mean time please use the forum to vent, make new friends, or have a look around to see what others are talking about. Feel free to PM me anytime!

clemaire

Thanks so much for responding.

I suppose what I mean when I said "I woke up and was having sex" is that yeah...I just blacked out and the next thing I know I'm in a totally different location and this guy is on top of me having sex with me. I guess my confusion is the amount of time I don't remember. I don't know if I told him yes or not. All I know is that when I came to I was shocked at what was happening. Being a virgin and suddenly being thrown into a situation like this was jarring. Because of not knowing where I was, and I guess fear (not really fear of physical violence...I just don't know) I just let it continue. I was still blacking in and out throughout the experience. I have random memories of words and movement. But I continue to shame myself and feel inner turmoil about it because I was so drunk and don't know if I led him to believe that I wanted to have sex. I didn't even know his name and barely had an idea of what he looked like after I left. Knowing myself I wouldn't even stick around in the bar if my friends had left, I just don't remember what I did and why. All I know is that I've felt traumatized since...and conflicted. I just don't know how to understand what exactly happened. I don't want to say I was raped because I know that some people's are so much more deserving of the term. But, I feel that it was an unfair situation that I had no control over.

As for my friend who I saw the next day, it was another girl who hadn't been there the night before. She is a good friend and I know that I need to revisit the issue with her...because I feel really isolated. I'm just not sure how to go about explaining things differently...and just bringing it back up all of a sudden. I'm sure she thinks I'm over it. But I'm definitely not.

Also, I have no interest in confronting this guy or anything. I'm just trying to understand and get right with things for my own emotional health.

Post edited by: belle92, at: 05/29/2012 07:42 AM

Post edited by: belle92, at: 05/29/2012 07:48 AM

I understand what your saying however everyone, male or female has the right to have fun without incident. A girl could be yelling to the whole bar, "Hey, who wants to take me home and have a good time?!" All that means is that she is even more so unable to consent. It is scary to have lost time and not be able to remember how you got from one place to another. Your memories of that night may come back to you eventually. The word "rape" is not outlined by certain circumstances. The fact that you feel you had no control is one of many things that victims/survivors feel. Everyone should feel they have control during sex. You were very scared when you woke up in a different environment and having a strange man on top of you. Your body was in shock. It did what it had to do to survive. Meaning the fact that when you woke up you laid there letting it continue was because you were scared and figured the best and fastest way to get out of the situation was to go along with it. That is not your fault. He was someone you didn't know and you didn't have a clue how he would react. You don't have to confront the guy, report him, or anything! You need to take care of you! I want you to know that this was an uncontrollable situation and that none of this has taken your purity away. It might be a good idea to write down things you can remember now and add to it your future memories. This will help you to piece some of the information together. If it is at all possible, try to get some counseling. It can really help. Another thing you should do is go to a doctor to get checked for stds and pregnancy. You don't have to tell the doctor anything you don't want to. But take your time and go at your own pace. We're here for you and you can PM me or any of the group leaders anytime. We can talk about anything.

clemaire

Hey Belle, I am also very sorry for what you are going through and I can unfortunately relate. I was raped after I had been drinking and went through a lot of what you are going through now. I said "wait, i had never done this before" but the guy didn't stop and I stopped trying, and then afterwards I called my best friend hysterically crying, but still tried to play it off because I had no idea what had happened. It was confusing, and embarrassing and I thought it was my fault for getting in that situation and for drinking. But its not. Its not your fault at all and like Clemaire said and my therapist has said people are allowed to go out and having fun with their friends without the expectation to be raped. A woman has the right to go out and have some drinks and have fun and not be raped. I would listen to your gut instinct, I tried to deny what happened for awhile, meanwhile my anxiety increased, I got more and more depressed and started cutting, clearly something was wrong, and it wouldn't happen if it was just a one night stand or something consensual. For me personally therapy helped tremendously. You said you were on a break from college, does your college have a counseling center? I would look into that because many times that is free, and they can also give you referrals to outside resources in your area. And RAIIN of course is a great resource, they're online counseling program is really good and I used it a couple of times in random crisis situations.

I also read that you said people were much more deserving of the term rape because of the physical force that is sometimes used. I thought that too, because I wasn't "physically forced" to have sex. But as I've learned, physical coercion is often just one piece of the puzzle. There are a lot of ways to "force" people to do something, mentally, emotionally, using alcohol and drugs. So just because he didn't threaten you or hit you or something don't think you are any less entitled to the feelings you are feeling right now. And I also want to second what Clemaire said about the purity thing, because i too hadn't had sex before the rape or really done anything (I was 18). You are still a whole person. I felt broken and used and dirty afterwards, but your not! It wasn't your fault. At all.

Wow thank you so much for sharing that inrepair. That's so similar to my situation. It's amazing how much it helps just to hear others' stories that are like yours. I'm sorry to hear that your anxiety got to such a bad point. That's my concern. I can feel it getting worse and I'm realizing it's because I've repressing all this. Denying it to myself and taking on blame that isn't mine.

Yes my college does have counseling. Unfortunately right now I'm back in town for the summer. This has also made things a lot more difficult because I'm around the same people. I feel like whenever I go out now I abuse alcohol...I come home and just sort of collapse crying. I've decided to withdraw a bit and focus on myself and my health. I feel like that's my only salvation right now. This town is a really bad influence. But, once I return to school I think it'll be a good idea for me to seek therapy. Do you think that makes sense...even though so many months will have passed?

I've felt pretty broken for a while. Like..ruined. Not to mention that I've felt like I have an appetite for self-destruction. But, your words really help. Just knowing that I'm not the only one to feel this way makes a world of difference (as cliche' as it may sound).

belle, if things start getting worse than anxiety try to find a crisis center or call RAIIN. Anxiety, nightmares, thoughts of self-harm, and numbing with alcohol, etc. are all side effects of rape. I don't want to scare you but if these things start, it maybe be necessary to begin some type of therapy. It is very common among survivors to numb with alcohol. I did and so have/do many others. Don't get down on yourself for it though. Just try to remember that the more you numb the longer it takes to heal. There are a lot of other ways to cope with anxiety. Although it's hard to use the techniques and easy to give up on, know that in the future there are other ways to cope and medications to help subside it.

hi Belle and welcome to the group. I am sorry about what happened to you. I think your reaction to make everything ok is you trying to normalize what happened. This is very common for rape survivors to do. If you feel you want to correct your self, if you think it would make you feel better then do it. You were drunk and woke up to a guy on top of you forcing him self on you. Your friend might be as confused as you are right now because they probably know that your not like that. Maybe your girl friend will be good support for you?

please pm me if you want to talk.

Hiall

Hi and welcome to the group. I want to start off by saying you have every right to feel the way you feel and that you are not alone. My situation is very similar to yours and I had trouble grasping the reality of it all for a very long time. I too struggled with the fact that since he was not violent and I was drunk that maybe it wasn't rape. IT WAS RAPE!

If you were not coherent enough to know what was going on, let alone remember how you got there you didn't have ability to consent to it. Please feel free to read any of my journal entries regarding this subject. I think you will be able to see the similarities of our situation. It took me 10 years to "deal" with my issues until I realized that I needed to talk to a therapist. I urge you to contact one as well. It can be a scary first step but it will help towards your recovery.

I am here if you need to talk. PM me anytime.

I think that the fact that you are able to even articulate that you are taking on blame that isn't yours and so in-tune with how you are feeling and that the way your feeling is pointing to something being wrong is pretty amazing and its a huge step in the right direction. It took me a really long time to realize that I couldn't just forget what happened, let alone to realize that I wasn't to blame. So, if nothing else, take pride in the fact that you are already on your way to recovery and healing. I would say do what feels right to you and what feels safe to you. If thats withdrawing from the bad influences of your town than thats fine. Though, if you could find support in someone in your town that would be great. RAINN is another option in finding free/cheap support, and being committed to going to therapy when you get back to school is great. I waited 8 months before going to counseling and in general I feel like for many of us counseling is a really hard, really scary step that takes awhile to work up to. I totally understand your feelings of brokenness and being ruined, I felt like I failed, failed at being the perfect daughter, perfect student. Its hard, but you seem like you are very self aware which is good. PM me if you ever wanna talk. You have a lot of support here.