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04/21/2012 06:26 PM

My wife was raped a few weeks after we met......

csmorrow
Posts: 5
New Member

I met my wife OL late July and started to build a friendship, after we met in person I found myself falling in love with her, I several weeks into our new relationship my now wife was raped by someone sshe he new for 15 years..... he stopped by late because he was to druck to drive 40 min. north home to his family. she didn't think anything about it and showed him to the couch. a few hours later she woke up to hom....fought him..... she was very violated.

I left her late the evening before and came back about 9: the next morning. I knew something was different or strange.... she told me shortly after I got to her.... crying in my arms, I was so confused, really angry, and I really didn't know what to do.

She didn't what to call the police because she was well known in the small town.... and the rapist evn holds a political position in his town..... I pressed her and pressed her and I let up after she started to get angry with me... I have felt hatred toward this guy and I don't even know who he is....

we grew our relationship and even though she talked about she never seeing herself marrying again, we even sat at the computer looking at ring sets and honeymoon options.... I proposed 2.5 months after we met. she said yes.... she told me that I made her feel safe... I thought that every man loves to hear something like that....

I knew we would have challenges.... we were so happy... FB tells quie the story of happiness.

we moved in together affter her and her two kids being with her parents for a few months near Christmas time. a change for all of us. as time went on we would argue over stupid stuff, usually after she would critisize me, I would mostly ask her what she was so mad at... what was really the issue.... deep down I guess I really knew.....

we were married Feb. 14th... prev. she told me that she wanted to wait.... but I just heard her say that she didn't want to marry me... it hurt. and I fell short as a loving man ignoring that she was hurting and we needed to put things off and get her help... and me too.

I have been learning alot about being a step dad and even being the mostly stay at home parent

we are 60 days into our marriage and we are now in seperate bedrooms. i hurt so much... she said that I was just a feel safe for her and when she stop feeling safe is when it went downward...

she would tell me that she felt closed in, told me to back off, that she ws scared of me.... I was so confused.... I didnt understand what I was doing wrong.... I would over react to her, wanting ot know why she would be so mad at me....

I know I had been angry and even felt lost of what to do.... even she would tell stuff, I would miss stuff by how she would communicate with... between her expressing her stresses..

she is a graphic designer and photographer... very busy.... even over does it...

I don't want to lose her

she says that I have lied or even abused her trust. yet she says that she has memory loss over the months....

I know she is hurting.....

I cry myself to sleep some nights

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04/22/2012 07:59 AM
clemaire
clemaire  
Posts: 884
Senior Member

Hello csmorrow. Welcome to the group. I'm so very sorry for what you and your wife have been through. Have either of you seen a counselor? If not, it might be a good idea. Many women don't feel safe pressing charges especially for some of the reasons you were talking about. Rape takes control and trust away from survivors. If she doesn't get help it could very well consume the rest of her life. You can also call RAINN. They will be able to tell you some of your local crisis centers and give you some referrals. I'm so sorry it's affecting your marriage. I'm just a little confused. Did this happen to your wife before or after you wed? Has she spoke about more than the one time she told you it happened?

Feel free to PM me anytime. Please use the forum to vent. We are here for you and you will get a lot of support here.

clemaire


04/22/2012 08:38 AM
HiddenButterfly
HiddenButterfly  
Posts: 4911
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

So sorry to hear what you and your wife have been throuhg. It sounds like you are feeling rather confused and at a loss for what to do. Hiall posted an article "A Man's Guide to Helping a Woman Who Has Been Raped" it has lots of useful ideas in it and could offer you some ideas to help with the confusion you are feeling. As clemaire has said, counseling is great for helping survivors figure out what is the root problem and sorting out all the issues that go along with this horrid act.It can also help you to deal with the ways that it has affected your life. If htere is anything that I can do to help, feel free to ask.

Brneda


04/22/2012 08:56 AM
csmorrow
Posts: 5
New Member

yes the rape happened I think 3 weeks after we meet and I was already falling in love with her and her me..... althogh we did have sex prior, she insisted that we have sex the day after so that "he was not the last in her" I was a bit knumb and just went along with it. I proposed 2 months later and she now says that she said "yes" cuz she didn't want to hurt me..... sigh.

At thins point, she met with my pastor and brought up alot of stuff, after two weeks of her not getting back with him, The Metopoloton Oranization to combat sexual assault (MOCSA)was referred to me, I wish I was more diligant much sooner to find help... I called a week ago friday for myself as family support ( I am on a waiting list....) and Saturday night she crued alot and I got her to call herself Last Sunday. At this point IDK if they ever called her back but she now says that she is gettinghelp but won't tell me where or with who.

I keep trying to talk about getting help for us as she gets help and she for the umpteeth time says that there is no more us. basically it should have never happened... us being married that is.... at some point she rolled over in bed telling me that she didn't want to marry me and stuoid me that was her cry out for help.... she continued to say not marry me yet because she needed to get help and be okay, stupid me just saw it as rejection. she told me this morning that if I truely "loved and cheerished her" that I would have loved and cherrished her and listened to her heart.... it was hard sometimes when whe would criticize so much as she had some sort of control thing going on.... We were both going thrugh changes....

maybe I just need to accept that the time efffert energy and heart was all a waste...

sigh..

I do love her

Its hard to believe taht she was so messed up that all the preceeved happiness was pretend.......

Iknow she is hurtin' I miss my wife, I miss this wonderful person that I fell in love with, although she had an issue yelling and not dealing with stress well and criticizing, I just didn't react well, I wanted to be her rock and loving encouragement and support... I failed miserably...

Sadly, there is no us in her mind....

Post edited by: csmorrow, at: 04/22/2012 09:16 AM


04/22/2012 11:59 AM
clemaire
clemaire  
Posts: 884
Senior Member

It's sad but sometimes rape can hurt relationships. She may just need some time to work on herself right now. You know, she can't really work on the relationship until she get's help for her first. It's very hard to work through both at the same time. You can tell her that she is welcome here anytime even if it's just to read what others have said. The article Hiddenbutterfly is talking about is under "medicine & treatments", about the third one down. It's less than 20 pages but has so much info. Have you thought about seeing someone just for you? Rape affects the entire family.

clemaire


04/22/2012 12:09 PM
csmorrow
Posts: 5
New Member

yes I have thought about trying to get help for myself cuz even if we don't stay together with looks like it's very bleak or no at all, I still need to have some understanding ...I feel so bad that I was kind of selfish or rather put my heart before her eyes of the light right so much to put her for my own. the only place I know about of family support , I'm on a waiting list for now. thank you about the article that reads tips for a man to be supportive, gosh I wish I knew that a long time ago she blames me for not doing enough effort for internet research or resources. she's blaming me for a lot of things. I know that I have had much anger and hatred for the jerk it hurt her ...I'm not sure what other resources I maybe able to get some help from, I can afford to pay 4 it. the waiting list I am on is with MOCSA.

04/22/2012 12:58 PM
clemaire
clemaire  
Posts: 884
Senior Member

You may want to do an internet search for counselors in your area. Maybe someone with experience in rape trauma syndrome. They can really help partners and families to best understand and can help you also. It's true that survivors harbor a lot of anger and I hope you can look back and realize that's the only way she knew of dealing with it at the time. I also know how angry men can get mostly toward the offender but sometimes it shows in other ways. I am so sorry.

clemaire


04/22/2012 01:49 PM
csmorrow
Posts: 5
New Member

I have to admit, I think I have resentment because it feels as if that the time that we shared and I believed growing in relationship together with was all a big fallacy. although I made my mistakes in overreact on occasion, things were really difficult to deal with .....I will forever regret me not listening wholeheartedly to her heart and concerned about putting our wedding of the case you need to feel like she was okay inside after the attack, however it really confuses me that she could of shared what happened to her best friend who would gone through simmer situation I coulda been a great support function and her best friend even help desk courtney wedding arrangements. but my wife being a very strong willed woman, tells me that she felt pressured into getting marriedconsidering how driven and aggressive she can be in all the other areas of your life, that really confuses me, it really hurts my heart to feel like the last year has been a big waste of a joke of my own life...

04/22/2012 04:00 PM
clemaire
clemaire  
Posts: 884
Senior Member

Hi. I doubt it was a fallacy. Survivor's tend to push things to the back of their mind and try to just go on with life not really knowing what the future is going to feel like. The reason she shared with her friend is because she had been assaulted too. It's always easier for a survivor to share with a survivor. Don't worry about not listening whole-heartedly in the past. You had no idea what rape can do to a person. I don't think anyone does until it happens to them. Many people close to me did not understand the depth of my broken heart after I was assaulted. Many things come with it. Fear, anxiety, paranoia, anger, trust issues, sexual issues, and it actually makes the survivor believe they are crazy due to the never ending, irrational, racing thoughts that they can't control. Nightmares galore! The nightmares are one of the worst parts. Did she ever talk to you about nightmares? I'm sorry she didn't share much with you but that kind of goes with the territory. Most don't want to share for fear of judgement and ridicule. The worst being, "shouldn't you be over this by now"? Rape will always be a part of a survivor's life although they can heal from it. I'm really sorry your having to go through this. But I'm also really sorry for her. I'm glad she is getting help, whatever that may be. Please don't forget to take care of you too.

clemaire


04/25/2012 06:13 AM
csmorrow
Posts: 5
New Member

yes, she did share with a friend or her best friend but it was only a few weeks ago, I thought that her friend me know a long long time ago. her friend was a large part in helping our wedding goodwill successfull , and yet now I realize based on what my wife is telling me that she stood in front of me during the wedding thinking it should have been happening in yet she kissed me with the biggest smile I've ever seen in as I look back at pictures it all feels so surreal. although my wife is called the metropolitan organizations to combat central salt, I called first for myself and what's interesting is that they claim that they don't have herinformation and when I bring up the subject she gets pissed off till im it's none of my damn business, however this morning it came up and she got pissed off again and ask me again with the name of the program was and she looked it up but did not want that point I'm not sure when she will call again even though she says you need to call back.

I'm just really sucks, I'm living in separate rooms from my 1 and I have such a broken heart. lately she's been having issues with bladder and caring for her a lot along with still doing laundry, cooking dinner cleaning up cleaning house excetera excetera as I'm studying for a professional license again. I'm doing the best I can to care for her and love her as much as she will let me, the last couple of nights I've been worried about her so when I wake up at 330 or 4 in the morning I would go in the room in check on it a little bit I realize until she softly communicated with me this morning, that it would be slightly freaking out because I will go in and turn the fan off or just check on her and she would I was standing next to her or over which would bring a flash back. for the last night or 2 when she would softly wake up me not realizing that she was being startled awake, we would softly talk and I would sit next to her and I would catch myself getting comfortable then laying next to her and eventually trying to cuddle with her, I miss her so much. she is talking to me more about recognizing boundaries between us, I just find it really funny that during our dating. And engagement that really work much for boundaries, now she's just pushing me away and telling me she just doesn't want to be married to me anymore. it hurts so much. jack I'm still doing everything I can as a loving to care for her I love her, it is so damn 1 sided anymore ...

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