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02/07/2012 04:43 AM

Just need someone to believe me

KittySaysMew
KittySaysMew  
Posts: 7
Member

When I was 9 or so I started having weird flashbacks to when I was a child and being taken out in the woods behind our house by a family friend who was babysitting me (he was a teenager, 15 or so). I remembered him playing 'guess what's touching me' and then 'guess what's in my mouth' and him sticking his penis in my mouth - I bit, because he told me not to; served him right. At the time I didn't know it was a penis, of course, but when I was first remembering it it was like it was someone else and I was just watching, screaming at this stupid little girl to stop and go back home.

I also remember telling my parents about being taken into the woods when they got home with my sister and her boyfriend (the brother of my molester). His brother punched him out in the yard and everyone else bustled me inside and told me nothing was happening.

I tried to ask my mother about it and she told me I was imagining it. I tried to ask my father about it and he told me nothing like that ever happened. Everything was so clear to me though.

So I started digging through the divorce court records. Low and behold, the first page I open to in the first ream of papers (I just pulled a book out of the middle) is talking about my sister's boyfriend 'just punching his lights out'. I skip back a few pages and my father is telling the court that I told them about going into the woods. My mother confirms it happened a few pages later.

Even when I confronted them with those documents my parents denied it ever happened.

Then when I was 16 I was raped while staying the night with a friend. She was 18 and married but a good friend. Her husband assured my father she and I would sleep in the bedroom and he would sleep in the living room with his younger cousin. My dad wouldn't have let me stay otherwise; I wouldn't have stayed otherwise.

I fell asleep on the couch and woke up just enough to hear my friend telling me it was bedtime and if I didn't want to walk her husband would carry me. I stood up, with eyes still closed, and shuffled to the bedroom with her leading me. We climbed into bed and snuggled up like friends do at a sleepover.

I woke up many hours later to someone touching me. I brushed the hands away and they stayed away so I went back to sleep thinking it was my friend and she was just used to her husband being next to her.

Woke up a bit later with fingers inside of me and one hand on my breasts and him whispering in my ear asking if I wanted him to do me. I can still feel his breath touching me just as much as his fingers.

I shoved him away and ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I told everyone I was sick; I was. He finally had to go to work and I ran out of the bathroom crying and telling my friend what he'd done. She sympathized with me, held me and said 'Not again'. Apparently her husband had had sex (consensual according to the police) with a 15 year old the year before.

She walked me home. My dad offered to let her stay with us since she was crying about it too. She said no and that she'd go stay with her mother. I went to the hospital to get checked out.

The whole time I was trying to say what had happened the nurse was staring at me with this look like... I was wasting her time, like I had no right to be there and was lying about it all. Then when the doctor looked at me he asked if I had been wearing clothes - like I was just laying in their bed naked? I said I was wearing a t-shirt and pajama shorts and he acted like I had done something wrong.

I couldn't get out of that hospital fast enough; I tried telling myself it was all in my head, that no one was really judging me, but even on the way out the officer that had shown up to take my statement (and I had to write it myself; he never actually spoke to me at all) was staring at me like I was in the wrong.

When we got called the police station the next day for a follow-up to respond to what he said, the officer told me he and his wife both said it was consensual. And because I forgot to mention a bottle of some fruity alcoholic drink that I took one drink of 8 hours before he attacked me, they thought I was hiding something.

They never tried the fat bastard! Even if it had been consensual, I was still only 16! They just chose to pretend it (and the previous stat rape) never happened).

And 6 months later when I woke up screaming, my father told me it never happened and I needed to stop faking it.

It makes everyone else feel better to act like it never happened. But it's made it impossible for me to heal. I'm 24 now and still have nightmares about it and no one to talk to because they all say it was my fault or it never happened.

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02/07/2012 12:39 PM
HiddenButterfly
HiddenButterfly  
Posts: 4911
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

I am so sorry that you have been treated this way. Know that you will be believed here and that there are many that have been in similar situations. It is always sad when people pretend to believe you when something happens and then later you find out that they never did, or that they have changed their minds on how things occurred. Been in that boat myself. My mother actually told me that anything that I thought happened other than what she said happened, was just my over active imagination.

Welcome to the group. Hope you find the support you need here to find a way to start the healing process. Fell free to pm me anytime.

Brenda


02/08/2012 06:29 AM
Izzy87
Izzy87  
Posts: 2731
VIP Member

I am so, so sorry. It breaks my heart that you aren't believed. You're right, it's easier for them to not face it. But they aren't the ones carrying the hurt. To invalidate you at every turn is further abuse. You don't deserve that. You deserve love and dignity and respect. I can't even begin to say how infuriated I am at the "justice" system...what a joke. I'm so sorry.

02/09/2012 07:08 PM
hiall
hiall  
Posts: 1870
VIP Member

I believe you.

Welcome to the group.


02/12/2012 03:30 PM
Bangbang
Bangbang  
Posts: 7164
VIP Member

Sounds to me like everyone wants to stick there head in the sand and ignore you. You are in a safe place here and will get lots of support. The people here are very empathetic and caring. Welcome to the group. I am a nurse and I remember an incident in the emergency room when a young woman came in that said she was raped. The doctors were very cold and may just as well told her that she was not raped because there was no signs of being beaten and no bruising around her vagina. It made me sick.

02/12/2012 04:58 PM
clemaire
clemaire  
Posts: 884
Senior Member

Hello KittySaysMew. I'm sorry that I am late welcoming you to the group and I am so very sorry for what you have been through and how people have treated you. Something happened to my friend and I when we were both 8 years old and our neighbor was 17. What happened to us was not near as bad as what happened to you and not the reason I came to this site either. I don't know if it ever really affected me except for my mom's reply to me after. It was a Sunday so both my friend and I were still wearing our summer dresses that we had worn to church. He offered us an atc ride. They were still legal back then. I'm 39 now by the way. Of course we wanted to ride on the atc! (same as a 4 wheeler but it only had 3)He kept wanting us to sit in the front and said he would control everything from behind us so we could have fun putting our hands on the handle bars and pretend we were driving it. We were taking turns on the rides. I can't remember who went first on the front. But he started rubbing me through my dress and underwear. I thought it was an accident and he didn't know he was doing it. I was so young and naive. I guess he was doing the same to my friend on her rides and she thought the same as me. Then it got different. He started rubbing just outside our underwear instead of through our dresses. I remember we were both confused but we were having so much fun riding. On my next ride I looked down. His hands were under my dress and one hand was pulling my underwear out while the other was starting to go down into my underwear. I yelled, "stop it"! He did. But when I told my mom about it her exact words were "just what do you expect me to do with this information"?! She said it in an angry voice too. I found out my friend told her mom too. Her mom told her that because the kid was the same religion as them that he would never do that and scolded her for lying. I did not know that what he did was considered sexual abuse until I was in therapy in my late 30's. The thing that hurt the most was being dismissed by the person who is supposed to love, care, watch over you, and believe you! My mom has since apologized and she can't believe she ever did that. She thought maybe it stemmed from the incest she went through with her father. She remembers trying to ask her mom for help and was told it happened to her because she was a bad girl. My mom and I have since been through a lot of therapy and she now realizes she was in denial. Something similar happened later in life when I was 15 too. My uncle was visiting. He was clearly drunk. He started rubbing my thigh very close to my privates right in front of my parents while telling me how beautiful I was etc. and they didn't even say a word. They even let him go back to my bedroom to give me a hug goodbye which was pretty scary. I almost had to push him out of my doorway and then lock the door. Again, I was dismissed. I want to let you know that it happens a lot. Your not the only one. Thank God my mom had been through years and years of therapy including a few hospitalizations. She was able to be there for me, believe me, support me, etc. when I was raped in 09' and got the nerve to come and tell her.

I'm so sorry your having to deal with these intense feelings now. Do you mind if I ask if you are living elsewhere other than your parents now?

Like Izzy, I can't believe how the justice system treats victims. Why would someone want to go through that type of exam if they weren't telling the truth?! It infuriates me too! I know that now some hospitals have nurses that specialize in those exams and do not judge. If anything they believe! There just aren't enough of them out there yet. I am so sorry. You did everything right and everyone treated you wrong. Obviously your parents did know it happened. Just from the proof you found and how your dad offered to have your friend stay with your family. It seems as if they dealt with it in their own selfish way. They didn't want to believe it even though they knew it was the truth. They made you feel at fault and as if you were just a little girl imagining things. Why would a 9 year old make up something like that? Its absurd. I'm sorry I rambled for so long. I BELIEVE YOU! Every part. I can't believe your friend either. Later telling the police it was consensual to protect him. I am so very sorry for all this. Please stay with us. You will get a lot of support here.

clemaire


02/23/2012 06:09 PM
KittySaysMew
KittySaysMew  
Posts: 7
Member

Thank you everyone. Just being told you believe me made me burst into tears - the good kind. No one has ever told me that and it was like a huge weight was lifted.

PS. sorry I take so long to respond; I have agoraphobia, partially due to the rape, and it takes me a while to screw up the courage to speak with people without scaring myself.


02/23/2012 06:41 PM
clemaire
clemaire  
Posts: 884
Senior Member

No worries! I'm glad you came here. Please try to remember that this is a safe place and you don't have to leave your home to be here. I understand this will take time. Feel free to share or not. We are here for you no matter what.

Please feel free to PM me anytime.

clemaire


03/01/2012 01:37 PM
mem625

I believe you. Not far from what I've been through one week ago Sad

It's horrible not to be believed. But here people believe you Smile

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