i don't really know where to start. My whole life seems a blur. My sexual assumes started when I was 7. I moved on from that but not really for the better. After getting away from my step brother and not telling anyone I progressed to make more horrible choices. I met a boy at 13 and lost my virginity only to become a party favor for him and a few friends. I moved on. At 14 I started dating and living with a man 16 yrs my elder. That was a living nightmare excluding the beautiful daughter I was blessed with and the reason I left him. Being locked in an apartment for 4 mo. by a paranoid antisocial personality had it's mental breaking highlights. The bruised ribs and black eyes just the few topical thing other could see. So once again I moved on. Moved in with my mother in hopes that things would change. Watched her get beat up and with no prospects I left with someone who promised to help. By help that meant dealing with a violent alcoholic for 6 years. Add another child to the mix (a wonderful beautiful child like my first) and I left that nightmare.
Change...
I moved to a new city where I knew no one. Got counseling, healthy friends, support. Left all my past behind. Build a fort Knox of safety and love.
Shatter... I was a single mother of 2. Great job, nice house in a beautiful area. Strong, helpful, loving and finally free to be ok.
Then some douche bag I had never met with slick, greedy ideas was pushed into my life. A house party, my birthday. Some slip chemical in a beer I was offered to 'chug' with him and his friend. Unaware with my false state of safety. All my closest friend around. My world shattered for all to see. He drugged me, raped me in my own house, stole my foundation, and even the memories of this event so as to make it harder to associate my internalized fear. I was now lost... Again.
I tried for month in bitter denial. I went to work, loved my children. All while falling deeper and deeper into this abyss I now call my home. I was slowly loosing my ability to be. Everything was falling around me. I have no family, no friends. They all disappeared. My girls, I need to make sure they where safe.
I made the call. The worst call of my life. Worst then the beatings, the rapes, the taunting glares that wake me in the night. I called my ex and begged him to help. I need a safe place for my angels so I could heal and get better. He accepted with a greedy smile and only with the promise that I remove his debt to me and the crown for years of unpaid child support. I agreed.
Days later he showed up. Big grin and no remorse or empathy. His lawyer in toe talking, talking, talking. I need to sign what? Why? So they can go to school. I signed. I signed my soul away in under 10 min. He stole them. I miss them now with all my everything.
2 years after I learn that I'm on the stand, putting this rapist away where he belongs. The stand IS scary! It is not worth it. Yet, he is now looking at 14 yrs. He will not be able to hurt again.
I can't find my daughter. My eldest is home with me, her dad has abandoned her. I have see my youngest in 7 mo. I have talked to her in 3 mo. I don't know where they live, don't have her phone number. Court after court. Get a PI, no luck, mail it, no luck, go there, no luck. I miss her, it kills me. I need to hold her.
I hate waking up. This weight is too much. I fail at holding a job, I am poor. Sometimes I can't leave my house. I keep trying to figure out how to make it. What to do. I'm tired and broken. I wish I could find a safe place for my daughter and my partner and just let go.
