lluft, your boyfriend is young and doesn't understand at all. He needs, as well as you need, to understand that rape is not about sex. It is about control. It is when someone exerts control/power over another in some sexual way, which can include oral, anal, vaginal, pornographic photos etc. If you knew the person and there were in a position of trust you will loose your trust in men and relationships.
My rape occurred 32 years ago in 1976 when I was 17. I was molested at age 6 as well, so the trust thing is very hard for me for a long time. I dated my boyfriend, whom I knew since I was 12, for over a year. He was never violent that I ever knew of until the last 5 months of our relationship. He never tried to be sexual with me and respected my wishes to wait until I was married. He did have a drug problem that he was trying to kick, but was struggling....see I try to give him excuses, when really I shouldn't. I had broken up with him and he was stalking me and threatening to kill me. There were several people who I worked with who protected me as well as my family. I, like a lot of women, still loved him and took him back 3 weeks later. We were talking and had made plans to have his house to ourselves to talk out our problems. When I got there I knew when I saw him I should have ran, but I really wanted to work things out. He had made me dinner and cleaned up the basement. Should have been a clue,...why were we in the basement when no one was home? There was a poloroid camera on the table, back then that's how you got instant pictures that developed themselves. Wondered about it but didn't say anything. When I started the conversation he said, wait before we talk I want you to do something for me. I said what, he said take off your clothes so I can take your picture. I said no. We were just getting back together (he had hit me before) my trust was not back yet. He said he needed them, I was away at work all day ... now I'm thinking he's nuts. I said no. He shoved me....all over the basement, I was running, falling and trapped. Finally after several minutes I got up and faced him and said D*** I'm going home, get out of my way and I marched to the steps. One step away he screams No, your not leaving me and grabs me by the waist and throws me, throws me behind him. I hit the wall with my head, I just threw up my hands and said OK I'll do what you want. I just couldn't get away and I was going to end up seriously injured or worse if I didn't cooperate. He's 6' 2" I'm 5" 2" I am no match for him, all I've got left is to cooperate and outsmart him. He got his upclose c***ch shots. When he was done he shoved them in my face and said if I ever broke up with him again he would show them to people, then how good would people think I was then. He didn't let me go for hours. I was trapped down there for 4 or 5 hours naked. We just stared at each other the whole time. I was trying to stay calm as not to set him off again. Eventually, he came over and got on me. Then he let me go, but when he shoved me out the door by the back of my head he said, "remember what I told you."
I got home called him and said I never want to see or hear from him again. He can put those pictures up on billboards for all I care, I can move I can change my name, but I can't marry someone who would do that to me.
I never thought what happened to me was rape. I pushed the memory back in my head and tried not to think about it. I struggled with my morality for a few years, though a few people did know about it, I chose relationships that did not involve emotional intimacy. I couldn't handle the trust part.
Eventually, I did date someone who was not violent, drug addicted etc. I married and started a family. I thought I was ok. 5 years later he, D***, was going through a difficult time in his first marriage (he's on his 4th now). Hearing about it triggered my memories of what he did to me. I was falling apart, sucidal and depressed. I was having flashbacks, nightmares and crying for no reason. Finally, I put myself in counseling. After I told her my story she said to me "So he raped you." I said "no, of course not, I didn't say no" I took me 3 months to accept and understand that what happened to me was rape even though I wasn't screaming no. "No," came when he asked for the pictures, my ability to say no to the sex was gone as I was to afraid to confront him again. When I accepted this I felt better. Does this mean I was cured...no it doesn't.
There are times when movies, life events etc trigger it. I can go long times between but sometimes I end up in counseling again. I know that when I get to the point that I'm not coping I need someone to talk to. Not everyone understands. My husband is one of them. He just doesn't get it. He never will so I don't depend on him for this kind of support.
As I said for me it was 30 years ago, it still effects me but I cope well. I understand it was not my fault, just like it is not yours. You are only responsible for what you do, once he/they took over control of you, what happened is his responsiblity.
I also want you to know that life will be very different after high school. The whole drama of school is not there when you graduate and move on. Think of it that you have lived 16 years, two is a big ratio of time for you verse me with it 32 years ago. It does get better, but you do have to feel it when it comes, talk about it with safe people who understand and won't make you feel worse and with time you will accept it wasn't your fault and he had no right. Trust comes back slowly, but only with the right person. If this boyfriend cannot be supportive (he sound like he doesn't want to loose you since he was hoping you were kidding). Try talking to him (1) without the swearing, it makes people defensive. (2) help educate him by printing up some information on what rape is, he appears to not know.
Are you ok with being not in a relationship and alone? Or does the relationship make you feel protected, even if he isn't supportive?
Keep writing here, get it out, we do understand.
Post edited by: Lilibit58, at: 01/27/2008 14:41
