Rape Support Group

telling my parents about my rape was the biggest mistake of my life. all they've done is lecture me about the importance of "not putting yourself in a bad situation" i know i shouldn't have been there! but i didn't ask him to rape me! all they do is place the blame on me. & on the day it happened my dad stormed in the door & yelled at me! he goes, what happened?!!! i was just RAPED. im not going to tell him every single detail about it. then he storms over & gets the phonebook. im sobbing now, im like, what are you doing? he yells again & tells me that since i won't tell him what happened he is going to call the police. im thinking, can you show sensitivity to your 15 year old daughter who just had her virginity stolen? my parents force me over to the hospital to get an exam for that rape kit thing & it hurt like hell(i'm sorry for using that word) i was sobbing & screaming at the lady to please stop. (im not a mean person im really not, it just really hurt) i already knew i didn't want to press charges but a police man came & i told him what happened. he specifically told me, it is up to YOU & your folks whether you press charges or not. i certainly did not want, well lets call him L. i did not want L's friends coming after to me so i told my parents on the way to the hospital, no charges. did they listen? NOPE!!! i mean they've never listened to me but thats a whole other issue. then my mom & i get into a screaming match right in the hospital room. i meant there were people in there but did that matter to mom? NOPE! i dont even remember what it was about. then my mom took my phone away from me & i wanted it. my social life was ample & very important to me; im the only child, i never got along with my parents & i have really amazing, supportive friends who are always there for me. but now thanks to my mom i didn't have anyone. the last few days have been hell. full of lectures about "you shouldn't have placed yourself in that situation" & "we can no longer trust you" as if i don't feel worthlessly hopeless already here come my parents to throw everything back in my frickin' face. everyday i think about killing myself, & everyday i try to do it. but i can never go thru with it. i feel like im losing my mind sometimes, like im trapped in this box & im screaming for someone to come let me out but noone can hear me. i look in the mirror & i see nothing. that's what i mean now, nothing. i feel so used becuase i trusted him, & he knew that was hard for me, he knew it was. & he took my virginity away from me.

i know i sound like a basket case but can someone, please, point me in the right direction?

I am so, so sorry for what you have undergone!!! I don't want to make excuses for your parents, they should not have reacted the way that they did...it is perhaps not the best analogy, but a couple years ago my four year old daughter, my husband and I were shopping and we turned a corner a few feet ahead of her. She and I both got distracted and she decided to go looking for me, so when I got my head on straight and went back, she wasn't there. We searched the store in a panic (her bio dad was in the process of suing us for custody and I have nightmares all the time of him kidnapping her). My husband was freaking out, I was trying not to. Finally one of the employees found her and brought her back to us. I was just thankful she was ok...but my husband blew up at her for not staying put, yelling and being very angry. She was a little frightened by his tirade. I didn't think his response was appropriate, and later he apologized to her for it. The thing was that when a parent feels such fear for their child, that fear can overwhelm common sense. My husband was able to recognize that he was speaking out of his own fear and guilt for us, her parents, not having watched her adequately. We had slipped up.

I guess what I am saying is that I dearly hope someday your parents can come to the same realization. Rape myths are abundant and evil...I am glad you know that you weren't responsible. Ever. No matter what...it is very harder to uproot those ideas when they are in place. I think your parents were reacting out of fear and guilt that they weren't able to protect you. If you believe that being raped is the victim's fault, and you are the victim's parent, then that means you didn't do enough as a parent. That is one reason there ARE rape myths. If we really acknowledged that it is only the rapist's fault, then that means there really is nothing we can do to protect our loved ones and children. It's a denial of reality. It is wrong for them to think this way, and as unfair as it is, you may have to go about your journey of healing without them.

I know you probably don't want to revisit what happened to you. That is normal...but it is a wound that can't be ignored, it won't heal on its own. With or without your parents, visit www.rainn.org (there is a phone hotline too but I don't have the number, I will have to get back to you on that) so you can start building a support system of people who understand. Counseling with a therapist who understands sexual assualt would be ideal too.

There is just one more thing I want to say. You cannot lose your virginity to rape. Your sexuality can't be broken into pieces, lost, bartered, traded, or stolen. It is part of your whole personhood, and although it has been wounded, it is still there. Any time that you fully consent to having sex with a person you love, that is what will be important. My heart goes out to you. Please do keep coming back here, I am sure there are other members who can relate to you better on how your parents reacted and your hospital exerience.

Very Short: I am SOOOO sorry you are going thru this. I want to tell you a few things...

First, he did NOT take your virginity. He may have broken your hymen, he may have forced himself on you. But your virginity refers to more than a physical thing. When you choose to share the act of lovemaking or sex or whatever you want to call it, THAT will be when you lose your virginity. Second, I hear you and I understand that you don't want this legal crap thrust upon you. But I will maintain that your parents are doing the 'right' thing. He shouldn't walk away scott free to do this again. I'm sorry you are involved at all but please no you can't undo what he did you can only help stop it from happening again. Third, please, please, please seek counselling and in time, get your parents into a session or two or ten. They have an obligation to take care of you and they are doing it the way they think is appropriate. Once you establish a relationship with a counsellor, that person will help to bridge the gap between you and your parents and hopefully they can help you communicate with them. Having a loving supportive family is a wonderful thing. It's not automatic and sometimes it takes a LOT to get there if you can at all. Last, please do NOT dispare. I know what it's like to want to give up on life but don't you have a future that YOU get to write and live and there is a LOT out there for you. Today, the place you're in and the people surrounding you are temporary. You will get to choose who will be in your future and go on from here. Keep in touch with us.

are yall sure i did the right thing by telling? it seems like evvverythhing got worse once i told.

It only seems that way in the sense that in order to clean up the mess left behind, you have to see how big of a mess it is in the first place. It's like a messy closet...you want to shut the doors and say it's taken care of. This is the process of opening the doors and the mess spills out...it seems overwhelming, but now you can begin to conquer it piece by piece. It is a lifelong process of healing, but it won't get better by ignoring it. So many of us wish we would have told sooner. This guy DOES need to be brought to justice to face what he did to you. Rapists are not one-time deals...a person who rapes does so because of their entire value system and they carry that inside themselves wherever they go, whoever they meet. He will go on to hurt others unless severe consequences are brought.

I think bcme has a wonderful suggestion with eventually including your parents with counseling. They may have begun with some ignorance, but I do think they acted out of love and despair that they couldn't protect you. They can learn how to be a better support for you.

I'm sorry that happened to you. First of all, this is not your fault. Your parents are blaming the victim (you) which is really unfair. You are not psychic and you cannot read minds -- you did not know he was going to rape you. Hopefully your parents will calm down soon and support you through this. I know it's hard to see it now, but you did the right thing by telling them and they did the right thing by calling the police. If they didn't call the police, L would have gotten away with it. If he got away with it chances are he will think he can rape other women after you with no consequences. RAINN.org is a great resource, and I hope you can start seeing a therapist soon to help you with all of this.

I think you did the right thing by telling . Your parents probly jutdnt know how to react. Iknow its a tough road becuase I went dow it. I now wih I would have press charges on him beuas I dntwant him to get away with it. I see this happen to you a year ago .I hope you are ok.

Hey honn your parents don't know how to react, you are their child and they feel like they failed to protect you. So don't blame them too much, it is hard for them too.

Are you getting any help from a therapist, doctor, social worker...? I think it would help you.

i really appreciate everyone's support, it means the world. you all are amazing people. I'm receiving therapy & it is a long process for me, but i've learned how to handle my emotions a lot better. thank you all for the support (:

hi very short. I want to tell you how awesome you are and how brave you are. It took a lot of guts to open up and tell your parents. That was incredible!!!!!!!!!! Very proud of you. You needed support and you made a decision to tell your parents. Very good. Like everyone else is saying, your parents dont know how to help a survivor. But a lot of parents are like this. Something horrible happened to there daughter that they probably thought would never happen.

Here is a link to a guide your parents should read (see below). Maybe print it off for either your mom or dad, have them read it. They need to educate them selfs on how to help you. They should also probably talk to your local sexual assault resource center, call rainn and they will help you find one. Or i would be happy to talk to your parents.

This was absolutely not your fault. Keep your head up high.

link:

http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/rape-discussions/medicine- treatments/3576442-a-mans-guide-to-helping-a-woman-who-has- been-raped