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02/07/2011 06:11 AM

My Story-It's Been Two Years.

CagedButterfly83

Hi, my name is Nikki and I've been on this site for a while but just never joined this group. I have a kind of strange story to tell. When I was 26 (two years ago) I cheated on my husband by making out with his best friend in our backyard during a party and my husband caught us. This was about 3 months after I had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I was on quite a bit of meds and drinking. This definitly doesn't excuse the behavior just wanted to give background. So my husband and I fought for the next week. Then we went to a ball (he is military) and we both got pretty drunk and came home fighting with eachother. The fight moved upstairs and before I knew it I said something and he hit me. He had never hit me before so I was shocked and thought so would he be and it would stop, but that wasn't the case. For the next couple of hours he hit, slapped and choked me telling me how I ruined his life and was a whore. In the middle of this night he ripped off my pants and immediatly I knew where this was going. He forced himself on me while he pushed my face to the side and into a pillow. It probably only took a couple minutes but felt like a lifetime. After everything happened I went to his command and told. I told them I didn't want to press charges so the police were not called. The was mandated into therapy and we did marriage counseling. People don't really take it that seriously when it happens in a marriage. Anyway, its been two years...we are still together and I've been in the psych ward six times. Now I am not saying this is the only reason I have been in, I have mental health problems but its still in the back of my mind. We moved on in our marriage and are still together and mainly that could be because of our kids. It just keeps coming into my mind and I don't know how to make it go away....does any of this make any sense or does any one have any advice on something like this? Thanks for listening.
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02/07/2011 11:14 AM
kcchiefette
kcchiefette  
Posts: 184
Member

Welcome to the group!

You are a very brave woman, I would first like to acknowledge.

I have also been through a relationship, although I was repeatedly abused. One thing I always had in the back of my mind when we split up, was that even if he did change, it was still in him to do something like that. Regardless to say, I handled the situation very differently by reporting the incidents etc and have remained happy ever since.

How are you sure it's a one-off with your husband? Next time he gets mad, he may attack again, seeing as he has got away with it? It seems to me that you have a very rollercoaster relationship, with neither of you being strong enough mentally to engage with one another in a safe manner.

If you feel that these memories are popping up reguarly and making you feel guilty, I would advise you do a trial seperation at least. When I say 'trial' it is not official. Spend a few weeks apart.. sleep in a different house.. meet up for 'dates' rather than live as husband and wife. Remind yourself why you love this man. Talk about what happened instead of bottling things up. During this time, you may benefit seeing a counselor for your own problems, rather than your relationship problems. Fix yourself, before fixing a relationship.

No-one should ever be stuck in a relationship just for the kids.. if you feel you could be happier on your own then you should re-evaluate the situation you are in.

It's hard to walk away from somebody who you dearly love, but if they are destructing you, you could end up being the one damaged.

Nobody can tell you what to do, we can only advise you.

Best of luck, I am here if you ever need to talk on PM.


02/07/2011 03:54 PM
lovespeonies
lovespeonies  
Posts: 4162
VIP Member

Hi Nikki, welcome to the group.

I know you are going through a rather rough period and I am sorry that you are. You have several different different factors going on. You have a mental illness that is affecting you everyday, you have the situation with your husband and you have your recovery. The situation with your husband could be triggering you into an episode that requires hospitalization. Bipolar disorder is very tricky to treat I know I have it. Even with counceling it may be very hard for your husband to regain your trust. I do believe the saying that time heals all wounds. It sounds to me that your husband snapped and that is unacceptable. He needs to understand what he has done. He also needs to understand that you are mentally ill and you can make mistakes too. What he has done to you doesn't measure up equally to what you did. I know you said you have been hospitalized several times I just believe your situation and this disorder are heavily entwined. You need to heal and either forgive or move on and both are extremely difficult.

I don't mean to sound negative but you are in a difficult position. I only wish you the best. I hope you are able to remain stable and that this be turn around for you. PM me if you want to talk.


02/09/2011 07:22 AM
CagedButterfly83

Thank you very much for your replies, it took me some time to respond because I just had a lot to think about and what to say. It has been hard the past two years because I do think about what happened a lot. But then I try to just block it out and that somehow makes me want to act out. My husband also has a big problem understanding my bipolar, he seems to think I can just snap out of it. So there are a lot of things going on. Whenever we talk about the rape/domestic he says fine call the cops I go right now! But that isn't what I want. I just want us to work through, or at least have me be able to work through it. I appreciate all your advice so much. He is going to go to my therapy and psych appointment these next two weeks and I'm hoping that starts to help a little. I am going to also be going to a bipolar support group, I don't know if there are rape support groups in the area, but I will look into it. Thank you so much everyone!

02/09/2011 09:10 AM
lovespeonies
lovespeonies  
Posts: 4162
VIP Member

Having him go to your appoinments is a great start. I am glad you are going to a bipolar support group also. Bipolar is so tricky but it is treatable.

02/09/2011 09:34 AM
CagedButterfly83

You are so right about it being tricky, but I'm trying to make steps to get better. Thank you so much for the support. I appreciate it.

02/09/2011 02:46 PM
kcchiefette
kcchiefette  
Posts: 184
Member

I hope that him attending your appointments with you will help him to understand you more. Have you gave him some leaflets about Bipolar? Shown him some online support groups? They sometimes have groups which help those who have partners with Bipolar, and give certain techniques to help work on your relationship.

As long as he's willing to keep trying to understand you, that's great news Smile


02/09/2011 07:49 PM
hiall
hiall  
Posts: 1868
VIP Member

Hi Nikki, I hope everything works out for you. PM me anytime you want to talk.

Hiall


02/11/2011 12:23 PM
CagedButterfly83

I have bought him a book about bipolar, he read the first couple of pages and then put it down and hasn't touched it in two weeks. He said he doesn't like the writers style. He is willing to go to my appointments and he has been on two online support forums...which he got kicked out of because of his constant anger and being mean to people. So its a very frustrating situation but I am trying to just grin and bear it. Thanks everyone for the replies.

02/11/2011 01:10 PM
lovespeonies
lovespeonies  
Posts: 4162
VIP Member

Well atleast he is trying, reading about bipolar can be a little heavy. My husband hasn't even gone to an appointment with me but we communicate fairly well. Good luck, I hope things get better for you.
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