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02/22/2010 04:17 AM

My Story

DefectiveLady
Posts: 19
Member

I have been raped twice. The first time, I was 14, and it was by this guy I had been dating for 9 months. My mom ended up finding out about it and immediately starting pushing for details. I was freaking out because I hadn't had a period since he had raped me. She made go to the doctors and get a full work up and a pregnancy test which the doctor said we would have to wait at least for the results to come back. She then made me go to the police station to file a complaint and told me that if I didn't I would go to jail for not reporting it. I was so scared. The police officer who did the interview was very rude and cold. He wanted me to go into graphic details about what happened. The only thing going through my mind at the time was that yes..my boyfriend had raped me but if I was pregnant then he was the father of my baby and what kind of person would I be if I put the father of my baby in jail. So I lied. I lied about where it happened and I lied and said I didn't know the guy. It didn't matter to my parents though. They still acted like it was my fault. The second time was when I was 18 and it was by a cousin, whom I later found out went to prison for raping and almost killing a girl in the past and had been out on parole when he raped me. I tried pressing charges this time but someone called the police station and told them that I had lied about being raped before and the police never even did an investigation. The boyfriend who raped me ended up moving out of state later that year (the year that he raped me). The cousin who raped me is still free to do whatever he wants. Still lives in the same state as me. Both times it happened I was trapped...literally. I had no way to get away from either of them. The cousin who raped forced me into his bedroom where I saw a huge knife laying on his dresser and something just told me if I fought him anymore than what I already had I wasn't walking away so I just froze. I have been to several therapists but they haven't helped. They have all made me feel like both times were my fault. One therapist flat out said to me that it was my fault. That when my cousin was first trying to rape me that I should have screamed and fought like hell and that even if he did try to kill me then at least I would be able to live with what happened because I would have known that I tried to put up a fight. Ever since then I have been questioning myself. Questioning whether or not my instincts were right. Asking myself why I didn't fight. I feel so ashamed because of it. Every time I ask myself this it all comes back to the same conclusion...if I had fought him I wouldn't be here today. But that doesn't stop the shame, embarrassment and pain. I fought like hell when the boyfriend raped me when I was 14 but it didn't do any good. I feel so alone. No one seems to understand or care what I have gone through and continue to go through to do this day. No one in my family ever talks about what happened. Its as if it never happened and life is great. When my grandpa died I went to his showing but only because my mom called me and told me that the cousin who had raped had just left and if I wanted to come now would be the time. I had only been there for 15 minutes or so when guess who walks in the door..the cousin who raped me. I tried keeping my composure. I tried not to look intimidated but I was terrified. He kept giving me these evil glares and smirks and staring me up and down. I finally told my mom I was sorry but I had to leave that I couldn't be there while he was there. She said ok I understand and said she would walk me out to my car to make sure that he didn't follow me. This was the first and only time she ever acknowledged that she believed he did in fact raped me. I don't know what changed her mind or if she even changed her mind. I don't know if she did that just to be nice and make me feel safe. I feel like its all my fault. If I hadn't lied about who had raped me when I was 14 then maybe my cousin would be in prison in right now. In my mind (when I was 14) I was doing the right thing by not telling anyone it was my boyfriend who actually raped me. I was afraid that everyone would look down on me and judge me if I was in fact pregnant and through the father of my baby in jail. I know it doesn't make sense now but at the time it made perfect sense. To this day I have never told my parents that it was my boyfriend who raped me when I was 14. After I was raped the first time is when all my problems with my bi-polar started. I don't remember before that if I had signs or symptoms of it but thats when everything in my life started to really go down hill with my bi-polar. I ended up being diagnosed as being bi-polar when I was 15.
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02/22/2010 09:56 AM
HiddenButterfly
HiddenButterfly  
Posts: 4911
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

First of all, let me say I am so sorry for what you have been through. At 14 we think differently than we do as an adult.At fourteen we think of a family and the mother and father being together to raise the child. We believe that the father should be seen as a person of respect. Seing as he was probably under age as well, you probably did not know that he would not have gone to prison.He might have gone to Juvinille detention, but that all would have been sealed shut when he became an adult.

As to this therapist, I can only believe she said something like that because it has happened to me as well. We think that therapist are supposed to be explaining things and helping us to realize that we cannot control the actions of others. As a matter of fact it is recommended that if someone grabs you to not fight. Lititure also says that you are better off if you can get them to not move you to a different locastion. Fighting is only going to get you hurt.

"When exposed to a truma, the oldest parts of our brain (the reptiliain brainare pout intoi hyperdrive and the more recently developed parts (the frontal lobe) are almost completely shut down. The reptilian braidn is what houses our instinctual survival mode. In other words when presented with a truama,the body is acting on primal instincts only. Anytthing that is not needed to survive the immediate threat is forgotten. Sleeping,eating, digestion are all shut down as the energy that those functions need is transfered into the survival mode.

An interesating facvt is that when the survival actions like fightoing or fleeing may bring more harm or arn't viable, the brain and body make a third choice-the freeze resaponse. During this response, painkilling endorphins andopioids are released, and the person shifts from action to immpbility. Tense muscles become still and breathing and heartbeats slow to barely precievable.

After the danger passes, our brains are designed to return to balance. People often become suddenly awarte that they are exhausted, hungry or in physical pain. Our biologies inherently know how to do this. Throuigh a process which often includes shaking and trembling, sweating, crying and yawning, we release the increased chemicalsreturn the breathing to normal, relax the mobilized muscles and, if dissociated sink back into our own skin. As we come back to a coherient, calmed state hope is rediscovered with an overall possitive orietation toward the future. "

From Heasling Sex A Mind Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Hianes

Brenda


02/22/2010 11:24 AM
Philomela

You said: "No one seems to understand or care what I have gone through and continue to go through to do this day."

I care. I wish I had the solution for you, but my advice is often faulty. I just wanted to say that I care. I don't post on the forums much at all, but I read pretty much everything. There are some great folks on here that can give great advice and support. Please don't think that people don't care. It may feel that way sometimes, but there are people out there who understand and care.


02/22/2010 11:27 AM
HiddenButterfly
HiddenButterfly  
Posts: 4911
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

I think you give pretty good advice.At least the last week you have helped me a lot.

Brenda


02/22/2010 01:56 PM
Lisal22
Lisal22Posts: 476
Member

Hi,

I am so sorry about the trauma. Please do not blame yourself and do not think it is your fault. At 14 we just can't make adult decisions. We are not capable. I had a chance to turn in my rapists at 15 and refused because I thought it was my fault. You could report your therapist, she/he's an idiot. Maybe go to someone who specializes in rape counseling. I finally found one in my 30's and it made all the difference in the world. You are not alone. We are here for you and we understand. Several of us have problems with our families following the rape.

Lisa


02/22/2010 03:24 PM
hiall
hiall  
Posts: 1870
VIP Member

Welcome to the group DefectiveLady. I am sorry about what happened to you. Try not to be so hard on your self. You did what you thought was right at the time. Your still here and that is good. Have you had a chance to see a therapist? Please private message me anytime you wish to talk. Your not alone and you have lots of support here.

Hiall


02/23/2010 05:35 AM
DefectiveLady
Posts: 19
Member

Thank you everyone. I haven't found a therapist yet who will take my insurance. The one who told me it was fault and that I should have fought stopped taking my insurance. Maybe its because I went psycho on him and asked what kind of therapist he was for saying such a thing. I don't expect therapists to have all the answers and help me understand why it happened. I do however, expect them to be kind and compassionate. I am trying to find a rape therapist in my area who will take my insurance. I can not afford to pay for one because I am on disability. I know of one place that I could go to but its too far a drive for me because I don't have a vehicle. I share a vehicle with my boyfriend but money is very tight right now and we just can't afford to drive a long distance for me to see one. As for blaming myself...I don't blame myself so much anymore as I blame my family. I don't blame anyone for the rape when I was 14 (the guy who raped me when I was 14 had just turned 15 he was only a few weeks older than me). I blame my family for the second rape happening because they knew he had done it in the past and no one told me. Had they told me I never would have gone with him that day and it never would have happened. I know I shouldn't blame them but I do. I can't understand why they wouldn't tell me something as important like that.
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