Rape Support Group

I went to celebrate the end of the semester (also the end of college for me). Had a couple drinks. Not too much to be "shit-faced", but enough to be un-sober. Ended up in a room with friends. The party slowly died down (AKA people started passing out). I kept telling myself to leave, but I guess it never really clicked because I never got up to leave--maybe I felt safe? Soon, it was just me and him.

There was small talk and awkward silences. Did I flirt with him a little? When he got up, switched on a lamp and turned off the main light, that voice told me to leave. But it was late and I didn't have anyone to walk/drive me the mile or two back to campus--everyone had fallen asleep. He offered, but I felt safer in the house since people were around. Maybe I should have taken a ride?

Anyway, he kissed me and I moved away. Kissed me and I moved away. I can't remember if I ever said stop out loud--but moving away kind of implies that, right? Or did it imply I was playing some sort of game? When I got up, off the bed and shook my head, that definitely meant no.

But, he kissed me and took my clothes off. He pried my legs open and forced his hand inside of me. Made me give him a hand job, and when I wasn't "good enough" at it, did it himself and made me watch so I could learn. He kissed me some more and touched about every inch of my body before he started biting me. He bit me. Hard. I was sure he would take flesh off of me, but in the end he only ripped it.

He wouldn't let me leave (it wasn't safe for me to walk home alone, he informed me). He fell asleep and I tried to leave, but he woke up and kissed and bit me some more. He got on top of me and pleasured himself while I laid there.

He finally fell asleep again. I got up slowly, found my clothes around the dark room, dressed and, as unsafe as it might have been, wandered back to campus around 4 AM. The walk was so surreal and effortless, it was almost as if I just floated back to my apartment.

I can't believe it happened again. I could have left, right? So, why didn't I? That was stupid of me. That's it, mainly, I just feel really stupid. I don't feel like I can tell a friend, because I could have tried to leave sooner. I *should* have. Why didn't I just listen to myself? I thought I was being paranoid. I've been trying to work on not letting every guy, who shows a bit of interest in me, become immediately suspect. But this guy was suspect. I just couldn't tell. I thought I was being paranoid. No one else had a problem with him--he was my friend's roommate. I'd hung out with him before.

Why is it that people who have been raped before are more likely to be raped again? I've come across that piece of information quite a few times, but it's never explained. So, is there an explanation for it? Is there something about me that says, "Hey, I've been raped before."? Do we subconsciously put ourselves in the position to be assaulted again? I just can't figure it out, it's driving me crazy. Why was the chance higher for me, out of every girl at the party, to be the one left in his bedroom? I need to know. I'm feeling like I could have stopped it and I just didn't. Why was I even in that room?

I'm just rambling now. I'm sorry. I've been a part of this support group for just a short while now, but never shared my own story. I think it's because I was dealing with it, coping by talking to someone. But, I feel differently about this one. I feel so stupid--like all the signs for me to go were there, and I completely ignored them, and I was punished or something. I feel that if I tell someone I told before, they'll just be disappointed in me, or not believe me for some reason. I'm afraid they'll ask: "Why didn't you go to the police?" "Why didn't you scream?" "Why didn't you leave sooner?" I don't know.

You gave him signals that you were not interested and he proceded to ignore them. That makes it his fault. NOT yours. If you had left, he would have gone after you. As to why you, probably because you were the one that was still awake.

Once a person is raped, they are completely different, until they work through it all and heal.their self confienence, self esteem, self worth are all drug down. Their shoulders are slumped, they are more hunched over, they tend to look at the ground when walking, have difficulty looking others in the eye when talking to themThese are all signs that a preditor can and does look for in a potential victim. THese are all signs that the person is going to be more willing to not fight back, or report the incident. After it happens so many times, a person starts to feel why bother reporting it. You are by no means stupid. If you need to talk, send a pm.

Brenda

PM me anytime you want to talk.

Thanks, you guys, for responding.

(Sorry if this message shows up twice. I posted once and it didn't show up, so I had to retype it.)

It is not an easy decission to make, but you have to weigh the pros and cons and decide which option is best for you.

Brenda

http://www.wcsap.org/pdf/RAD%206-3.pdf

revictimization,ive asked about this a lot aswell, i just dont get it, i mean, why!! you know? People here always have a good answer and it always make sense...ive got to the point to wonder if it happens because of karma!....the fact is that it isnt your fault, perhaps what brenda says has something to do with it, but def not your fault.

Take a look at lilibit's link, its interesting.

Thanks for sharing, and whatever you decide, we have your back virtually, but here we are

It's really hard for me to not feel stupid, though. I'm trying not to. I just keep feeling like I could have stopped it and that I should have.

I just keep thinking "Why me again?" you know?

Brenda