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06/24/2008 12:18 PM

It's been a year and worse than ever

Posts: 1
New Member


I can't take not understanding why I can't deal with it. I happened upon your site in my search for some help. It's a little lengthy of a story, but please, hear me out.

Last January, my boyfriend of about 3 years left me for another woman. Not as if that was heartbreaking enough, he proceeded to lead me on for the following months. I started to hang out with a horrible group of people. Every night for almost 5 months I went out and partied. I met lots of new people who I was stupid enough to believe they cared. I was informed of how my recent ex had cheated on me countless times. Of course I became close with one man I had been hanging out with. He was perfect with his words. None of my friends or family liked him and warned me. We started dating and he had become a little violent. Throwing me against walls, pulling my hair so hard I fall, never actually hitting me with his fists but that was enough for me. I called it quits a week or so later. We still hung out in the same group of friends. On July 15th, our friends had a bbq at a local park. I figured, why not? He and I couldn't avoid each other so we talked a bit. He had brought a bottle of alcohol and offered me some. I let my guards down since I had two very close girl friends and my cousin, he was known to be very protective over me. As I took a few drinks he talked about my ex, knowing I wasn't over him just yet. He knew it too. A few drinks turned into a few gulps, he grabbed my phone and called my ex, starting a fight. I chugged the bottle on my own. I have few points where I remember that night. I do remember him throwing me over his shoulder and walking to his car. I didn't see any of my 'friends' or my cousin. I was to blitz to realize anything. We had stopped somewhere. He and his brother took my credit card out of my purse and used it to buy food. Who in there right mind takes a credit card from a man with a woman's name on it??????? He took me back to his house and I was vomiting so he left me on the front lawn, I'm not sure how long. Eventually, he picked my up again and took me to his room. He took off my pants and did what he had planned all night. During the ordeal I had begun to come to. Only to the point of, I knew I wasn't at the park. After he had finished his first round he started again, I had enough strength to stop him. He gave up and I passed out again. When I woke up the next morning he was out smoking so I called both of my girlfriends and begged them to come get me. One of them thought nothing of my situation ' yea, just let me get ready and I'll be over there' NO! NOW!. The other girl finally showed up. When I left I just played it off. 'Oh, great night see you later'. Word got out and I started to get harassed and threatened everyday. I had to leave my job. When I had gone to the doctors I found out I had contracted and STD. I met my fiance and he endured the whirlwind for the next few months. Throughout all of this, I wondered where my friends and cousin were. Well, one of my girlfriends went home with my cousin that night. They told me they asked my other friend to take care of me. That will never validate how they stressed how much they hated him, they knew he had abused me and instead of taking that step and saying 'we're leaving and taking her with us' they left. My other girlfriend just didn't make an effort to stop him. Not once did anyone apologize. It was the blame game. I stopped talking to them for a while. My fiance is friends with the girl who took off with my cousin. I be nice and I'll go hang out with them. Everytime I do, I get to angry and sick to my stomach. I have so much resentment and anger towards her. It's almost hate. It's the same with my cousin. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to love the girl but how do I coexist? How do I explain to her why I go off on her for the dumbest things? My fiance has been so understanding with my emotional changes. It's been almost a year and I'm hurt more than ever. I cry because I can't understand not being able to just have her say hi without me losing it. She has no idea I feel this was but I don't know how to tell her. This is something that haunts me everyday of my life. I still see those people around, they still harass me when they get a chance. Yet, She sleeps fine at night and thinks it stupid that I can't go certain places anymore because of them or etc etc.

I know I became very sloppy at the end but when I think about it, I become a storm of emotions.

How do I not become this way? I want to be at the point where I can coexist with the people who hurt me, I don't need to hate. How did any of you deal with this? It's honestly the single most worse memory. Am I wrong for being so angry to her? I know it's not good but can you blame me?

- Spunki


06/24/2008 01:51 PM
Posts: 1556
Senior Member

First, welcome to the group Spunki. I'm sorry you had to go through this and that your friends are not supportive. Sometimes we have to go through difficult times before we find out who are friends really are. Their true character comes out then. Obvisouly she doesn't have much character, a friend would be on your side in this.

You have to first let the feelings come. Express them and then move on. It is easy to get stuck in a step of recovery and you might be. Have you sought counseling? A support group? Church? Sometimes it takes professional help to get past it if you do not have supportive family / friends to let you vent. Not getting support to validate your feelings leaves you stuck in it.

No you are not wrong to be angry with her, she let you down. I'd be mad at her too as well as the others that harass you. What right do they have to do that - none.

To get along with her it is up to you. You could ask your fiance to not make plans with them for a while. You could try to talk to her and let her know how you feel. She might not be too supportive, but at least you get it off your chest. This should be done privately - not with an audience.

It has taken me 30 years to get to the point that I can talk about my rape. I had so much fear that I went through the anger quickly. It only hurt me to carry it, so I had to let it go. I did do this in therapy. For me if he had just said he was sorry I would be soooo much better off. But unfortunately, that will never happen.

It takes time to get past rape. But as long as you deal with it as it comes out and have support you will get through it quicker. Holding it in is worse for you. So think of you and what you need.


06/26/2008 05:47 AM
Posts: 574

Hello spunki, You should hate the guy who raped you and those who allowed it to happen. these "friends" are not friends you need in your life. as Lillits said "let the emotions come" Your were a victim. You shold be angry, very angry. None of what happened is your fault. You should have been able to drink and be safe. Even with your friends leaving you should have been safe. their showing no concern about what happend to you means they are not people you want to invest time or energy in.


10/22/2012 02:31 PM
Posts: 9
New Member

Honestly there is no need to be friends with this girl or act like it. Obviously you do not have good feeling towards her so why put yourself in the situation to make yourself uncomfortable. I know it's a tough situation but you need to do what's best for you. If this girl does not want to apologize maybe she does not care or realize the effects she had on you. You have the right to dislike the guy and dislike this "so-called friend" of yours. I would focus on yourself and your healing if I was you. Now is time to heal.

Take care of yourself.

10/22/2012 05:40 PM
Posts: 1090
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Hi Spunki! Welcome to the group. I'm glad your here and you will find people are easy to talk to, will encourage you and will never judge.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. What you are feeling is normal and you have every right to be upset not just at the guy who violated you but angry at the people who were suppose to care and help you out. It's so hurtful when you have friends who say they have your back and when you truly need them they are nowhere around. That really stinks...

Perhaps you would consider just giving yourself some more time to heal before confronting all these people.Even if you did confront them you may not get the answers you really want and it may do you more harm than good until you feel stronger. Allow yourself to go through all your emotions so you can begin healing. Finding some therapy, support group or other resources can very helpful and I encourage it. Talk to your fiance and maybe he will agree that it's best to put of making plans with these people for the time being to support you and your recovery. I don't think anyone should expect you to be around those that have hurt you so much until you are truly ready or if you ever are ready - that should be your call. Take some time, you don't have to make any rush decisions. Take time to take care of yourself because thats the most important thing here.


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