Rape Support Group

I am 21 years old. I had been friends with this person for over ten years (I was the girl next door) and he admitted that he loved me multiple times, but I always told him I just wanted to be friends. He was my best friend... I had a really hard childhood (abusive stepfathers, my mom passed away, etc.) and he was always the one I ran to for help and comfort. When I was sixteen, I started dating this other guy and when I was nineteen, we got engaged. My friend always texted and called me and would tell me he loved and missed me but he just wanted me to "be happy." A few months ago, I started having doubts about my engagement because I know that I am so young and haven't been with anyone else, etc, etc. I called my friend and we started hanging out. One night, my fiance let me spend the night at his house (I was drunk and he lives three hours away so he didn't want me driving home) and we had sex. I completely took responsibility for my mistake, but I do kind of feel like I was taken advantage of as I was falling over drunk and he knew that... but I shouldn't have put myself in that situation, so... My fiance and I have been working through it, but it has been really hard and I finally was just tired of working on it and arguing about it. So two nights ago I kicked him out and told him I wanted a separation for a little while. I was really upset and my friend told me to come over and we would just talk about it and watch movies and he would cheer me up. This time, I didn't drink because I didn't want what happened last time to happen again and because a)I have never felt like that about him and b)I didn't want to do that the night I leave my fiance. So, we were talking and watching movies etc. He was drinking really heavily and I went into his room to get something out of my purse. He followed me in and started kissing me and grabbing at me. I told him to stop and that I didn't want to do that. He said ok and went to the computer to turn on some music and kept drinking. About twenty minutes later, he went back to being all over me and I kept telling him to stop and I was crying, but he kept going and raped me. I feel like I should have done more... I mean, I know that I told him to stop over and over and he didn't and that is rape, but why didn't I hit him or scream or something? I am so distraught... He was my best friend, so I am having all these conflicting emotions about it and about him. I really loved him (as a friend) and trusted him and he did this to me. Also, he knows about everything that happened to me as a child and he still destroyed what little trust and sanity I had left. At times, I think I want to drive to his house and put a bullet in his brain, but I can't even bring myself to call the police. And he keeps sending me text messages saying how sorry he is and how he has a loaded gun under his bed, etc. I told him that he can blow his head off for all I care and then he didn't text me back the rest of the night. I FREAKED out thinking he had done it but WHY DO I CARE!!! I want to hate him so badly and I do, but then I have feelings like that... like I still love and care about him. Is that normal? What do I do? I told my fiance about everything and he is a wreck. He keeps asking me why I was even there and I can't take him blaming me like that right now when I am blaming myself. I can't even collect my thoughts and take care of myself right now, so I can't deal with all of his emotions too. What stages am I going to go through with this? Why am I feeling what I am feeling and what will I feel in the future and why? I am planning on seeing a counselor at my student health center by the way. Please help! All I have been doing for the last two days is sitting in my apartment wailing. I can't eat, sleep, study, etc. I'm a WRECK. Sorry that was so long!

Hello KayleighRenee10 and welcome to the group. I am really sorry about what happened to you and what is going on. This was not your fault. This guy is supposed to be your friend. He raped you, you told him NO and he didnt stop. It seems like he is just obsessed with you. I would stay away from this guy. Im not sure if your going to call the police but if this guy keeps calling you and harassing you, i would call the police. This guy is not your friend, he is an obsessed loser. I think its a good idea that you are going to see a counselor. Have you talked to anyone else besides your fiance about what happened? Its important that you get support right now.

You have lots of support here. Please use the forum to VENT, heal and make new friends....

Im sorry again, it is awful what happened to you and what you are going through.

Please private message me any time you want to talk.

Hiall

Honey, it WAS rape and he was seriously out of line. I think that I would be feeling exactly like you are under these circumstances.

Talk to someone who will be sympathetic. Time will heal you.

Stay away from this guy. I know that you care for him, I would too in your shoes, but he is obsessed. It is only hurting you both to have any further contact.

Kaylieghreene, welcome to the group. You have been through a lot and the fact that he knew this and still tried to go there with you protesting, goes a long in showing his true colors. I agree with Hiall, stay away from this creep. Because you thought of him as a friend and confidont, you are still going to have those feelings for him, along with the guilt, self blame, and hatred of him. It is a very convoluted web that was spun here. You trusted this man as your friend and he took on that orle and lived up to it for a long time. Now he has betrayed all that. There is bound to be a myraid of feelings going through your head at this point. I would take some time to just clear your mind. Do you have a a good girlfriend that you could talk to? Or some one else that you tust? If you need anything, feel free to pm me.

I once dated a guy that was very clingy to me. After a time, I could not take his whining and wanting to be together 24-7. When I broke up with him, he called my house line while I was on my way home. The messagew he left stated in plain terms that he was planning to kill himself if I did not return by a specified time. SInce I had a couple of good aquaintances on the local police force, I had a squad car sent atr that time. Needless to day he told them that there was no such plan, but they had the recording. Sometimes it is just a way of controling you.

Brenda

Post edited by: HiddenButterfly, at: 12/07/2009 06:59 PM

Thanks so much everyone... I have talked to my mom and best friend, but they haven't been very supportive... I don't know what else to do. I have been talking to him all night and he tried to deny it ever happened. I told him that I saved the test messages where he admitted it, so he stopped denying it... but I agree with everyone. I need to stay away from him. Thanks again, you have all been a real help and outlet.

You are worth being treated so much better than he could ever think about treating you. Don't settle for less than the best. Take some time out for you and ne there for yourself. Figure out what it is you need and then give it to yourself.

Brenda

I know this was from about 3 years ago, but i was just so incredibly struck by this story because of how similar it was to something that i went through....I had been dating a guy for about 3 years and we were very serious, but i had been best friends with this guy for about 4 and i also had a traumatic past. he knew about it and one night last year invited me to his house to drink and smoke hookah together, but he ended up getting much more drunk than i did..like pretty much almost black out drunk. he would do these weird sexual things to me and i would tell him to stop and that he knew i had a boyfriend, and i knew i should probably leave but i was drunk too (not as drunk as he was) so i couldnt drive home, and i didnt think that it would really keep going. but then he kept drinking more and more, and then eventually sexually assaulted me while on top of me. I told him to stop and that it wasnt ok but he didnt and i eventually got away and left because i was pretty sober by then. but even now i feel the same way you do. I called my boyfriend the minute i got home crying and told him what happened and he got angry at first because he said he told me he didnt want me going over there since he sensed my friend had always been in love with me. so it made me feel like it was my fault and that i didnt have a right to feel taken advantage of since he was my best friend and i went over there and drank with him. my boyfriend ended up calling him and telling him what he did because he was pretty drunk and didnt remember a lot of it...but he ended up calling me and getting mad at me denying that he did it. even to this day i still miss our friendship and i wonder how he is doing. since i deleted him off facebook and deleted his number i cant see what he is doing anymore but still wonder and miss him. I know that that sounds crazy because i feel incredibly hurt by him but some reason i still like feel like it is my fault for going over there and that i am to blame for it because i didnt speak up more when it was happening. i guess i was just so uncomfortable that i just froze and had no idea what to say since it was my best friend doing this to me. idk i just thought u might like to know that there is someone else out there that feels just how you do and can relate and that your not crazy for feeling the way you do...i know seeing your post helped me feel better to show me there is someone else out there that feels so similar to how i do. Hope this helps!

Hi charli123. Welcome to the group. I'm so very sorry for what you have been through. Has it been a long time ago or recent? Your feelings about him are justified. You were best friends for a long time. Now hear me loud and clear, you are not at fault. It doesn't matter whether you were drinking, if he was drinking, or if you didn't fight as hard as you think you should have. Freezing during rape is very common. Your body does what it has to do to survive. I had the same feelings as you for my offender for about 6 months after he raped me. Therapy helped me to see what kind of man he really is and shortly after I turned him in. It's okay to have these feelings, just don't act on them or a whole new can a worms may be opened. I'm glad you found us. You will get a lot of support here. Share as little or as much as you like. Please use the forum to vent, make new friends, or browse what others are talking about. Feel free to PM me anytime. We can talk about anything.

clemaire

Welcome to the group and hope you'll find here the support and help you need darling!

((HUGS))

Merlin x

Hi there, I didn't know that It was OK to freeze. That's what I did, and I too felt as if I didn't do much. I was recently, hurt by my best friend, my childhood friend since the age of 10, I am 20 now and engaged to the most amazing computer hacker and cheese toasties maker in the world. But recently I went back to my home town, leaving my fiance behind, I went back to see relatives and friends whom I love dearly. I met up with my best friend and we went out exploring my old town and seeing how much it had changed. We were a little drunk but not much three beers at the most, he took me home, made sure I got home safe. Then he started hugging, hugging turned into something else and then...he held me down, I closed my eyes and I froze. I didn't know what to do, he's my best friend and I didn't want to lose him, I don't want to lose him, I am a little confused right now. Before it became violent I told him to stop but maybe I should have tried harder. You know the worst thing is, he was so gentle afterwards, he said sorry, he helped me up, but a blanket over me and he kissed my forehead, WTF!? Who does that, what kind of messed up mind does he have. It's just nice to know that there are others out there who are in the same situation as me. I cannot ever tell my fiance, I don't ever want to lose him.