Rape Support Group

My story is kind of long, so I'm sorry in advance. I think things started when I was five. I went on a fishing trip with my father. I remember going to bed in our camper and waking up throwing up with my father on me. I don't know what happened exactly. That's all I remember. But I know that I was afraid to ever be alone with him from then on. Then around the time that I was 14 I got really depressed. I started struggling with bulimia and anorexia. I started drinking. On December 16, 2003 I was at a party with some friends. I had two smirnoffs and then "my friend" Cody gave me his. He kept telling me to drink it. About ten minutes later things started getting fuzzy. He tried to take me to a room but my friend Ivan stopped him. He finally just left. I started falling over and everything kept going black. Jay helped me downstairs. I only remember getting halfway down the stairs. The next thing I remember was waking up the next morning with some guys arms wrapped around me. I stood up trying to figure out what happened and realized my jeans were unbuttoned and unzipped. I felt really sore in my vaginal area. And I later found out I was spotting. I was a virgin. I didn't know what to do. I left and tried never to think about it again. Then a couple years later my sisters husband started touching me. Like he would walk behind me and run his hand across my butt. I'm married now. My problem is I never dealt with any of this. I still dream about waking up with that boys arms around me. I wake up and my husbands arms are around me the same way his were and I cringe. I love my husband but sometimes I wake up and don't know it's my husband. I feel like I'm back at that house. I don't know what happened. I don't know how many guys raped me. My best friend told me that I'm lucky I don't remember it. The truth is I feel like I would be able to deal with it easier if I knew what happened. It's the not knowing that kills me. And what did I do for people to think it's ok to do this to me? My husband knows as much as I know but it's not fair to him for me to wake up crying and scared for him to touch me. How do I begin to deal with this.

Welcome to the group fish. I am really sorry about what happened to you in the past. I think one of the best ways to start healing is to see a therapist when you are ready. But also talking about it like you are doing right now helps alot. About your father in the beginning, maybe she just rolled on top of you while he was sleeping? I remember when i was at a coed cam when i was like 10 yrs old, i woke up with is girl snoring right on top of me. All the kids were sleeping in this big room on the floor.

Does your husband know about your sisters husband? Does your sister know? Thats not right, that guy needs to be talked to.

You didnt do anything to deserve rape(.) It WASNT YOUR FAULT. No one deserves to be raped. Fish, please use the forum to VENT, heal and make new friends. YOU and your husband have TONS of support here. Please see a therapist when you are ready. I think your husband should go with you so he learns how to help heal you to.

Your not alone,

Hiall

Post edited by: hiall, at: 12/05/2009 11:53 AM

Hi, fish26, I have a similar experience in that I was drugged and raped as a virgin as well. I'm sorry that that happened to you...it's a horrible experience, but it is certainly not your fault and although it may be difficult, there are ways to deal with it. I've found that talking about my experiences to my support system helps, also using this forum as a place for ranting/creative outletting has helped as well.

Sometimes in lieu of flashbacks, we survivors who have no memory of the event have nightmares... I've woken up after a nightmare crying, and typically when I start crying about the assault, I ask for my boyfriend not to touch me at all. Usually, just talking to him about my nightmares helps tremendously, though. I wonder if you have a similar experience with nightmares. I agree with hiall, you should definitely consider seeing a therapist and involve your husband as much as possible in your recovery.

Best wishes and pm me if you'd like,

ke20

Welcome to the group fish, I can relate to your story in so many ways. First of all please realize that it wasn't your fault and that you don't deserve any of the things you have been through. It is horrible but often the case that multiple bad sexual experiences repeatedly happen within our lives. It is in no way our fault and we didn't do anything to have brought on these things, for some reason no matter how unfair it is often the case.

I was molested for three years from the ages of 5-8. I had stuffed those emotions because I was too young to understand those complex emotions at such a young age. At fourteen I was with my at the time best friend on vacation. We met a couple of guys and hung out with them and we were drinking. The next day we hung out with them again and were drinking again that time I had one drink and everything became very fuzzy, I couldn't walk my legs couldn't support the weight of my body. I only remember clips of the whole day and of my rape. I won't go into details but I do remember enough to have known what ultimately happened. I was a virgin also.

At one point during that day the guy put his hands on my face and told me I was beautiful. He held me infront of the mirror but all I could see was an emotionally drained, physically exhausted sunburned girl. I still to this day can not have anyone touch my face. My husband knows about everything and he doesn't touch my face but my kids don't know and they try to touch my face here and there and it flips me out. Even though I adore them I can't get past that feeling. I actually have a dermatologist appt. this week and the thought of him touching my face has got me very anxious.

I know how it feels to feel very conflicted about your husband embracing you. If that feeling of having someones arms around you was negatively seared in your brain then it only makes sense that you would continue to connect that feeling with your past experience. I believe it is possible to get past this through therapy and through your own consious acknowledgement that your husband touch is out of love. You may have to tell yourself everytime he embraces you but you need to work through this. I know I am kind of a hypocrite because of my own experiences but I hope you are able to work through this.

I am not sure if you have tried therapy but it can be very beneficial, I agree with everyone above that it would be great if your husband could join you so that he can better understand your feelings and emotions and help in your healing. If you ever want to talk you can PM me anytime. I am glad that you joined us here and that you are posting. The support you can receive from this group can be a great tool in your healing as well.

I am so sorry to hear about your experiences...it's been said over and over but it never hurts to hear it again...nothing you did caused these terrible things to happen to you. The people who hurt you made the choice, not you.

My rape was not as traumatic as many of the other members have experienced, including you, and I was not drugged, but I have very little memory of it I think mostly due to the fact that I didn't realize I was being raped (I had basically given up on the idea that my words meant anything to my abuser so my "no" seemed insignificant, even to myself) and we had other sex that was not rape...anyway, as ke20 pointed out, nightmares are very, very common. I do not have flashbacks either but I do have nightmares, and often they involve waking up to HIM being in my bed instead of my husband too. It is very unsettling.

The difficult thing about this kind of trauma is that we don't think of it like an injury that needs attention, because it's so invasive, so traumatic, and often vague and the damage that it leaves us with is not so obvious. If we had a broken leg, we'd recognize that we needed medical attention and get it taken care of. The damage that rape and sexual abuse has done to you needs attention, it needs to be dealt with. It's like an infection that will only sink deeper unless it is treated.

I am so so sorry, again. No one should have do deal with what you have been through. Have you told your husband about your experiences?

I recently began having clearer memories (of a rape that happened in my early teens) after reconnecting with my "first love" on facebook a year ago. I was told by an adviser that sometimes it's better to forget that to remember. I totally disagreed and was determined to deal with it finally. Once I started understanding what really had happened, I felt so hurt, betrayed and depressed that I mostly wished I'd never remembered a thing! I was in a weird depressed but increasingly manic state of mind at the same time + began making very bad decisions. I decided to drive around 1600 miles alone to my home state of California to say my final permanent goodbyes. I did not tell anyone what I was really planning but at the last minute my son decided to go and that completely ruined my 'plan' entirely. I was sooo disappointed to have to come home and face everything that had recently come up as well as all the other things that I already had going on plus how much worse I had made thing because of my bad decisions!!! I went right back to school the next morning as if everything was ok but had sooo much going on inside me. In march of this year, I joined Mdj and found help at one of the forums but this is the first I have been able to talk about this issue.(sorry for the lengthy post)

faery, I'm glad you could begin to talk about your experience. I think it is productive to remember, because then you can get a better handle on its effects on you. I am not sure how much you have read here, but it's very common to want to just let life go on like nothing had happened, but as you found too that doesn't really work. Don't worry about post length either, we're here for you!

How interesting the little bits of chaos change a whole path for us. Your son deciding to join you stopped your plan. There are reasons for everything. You came here and that is a path I bet you wouldn't be on if things had played out differently. We all go thru the depression, anxiety, mania...it's part of the experience. You can overcome this. And btw, I agree that you shouldnt just "forget" what happened. Your mind lets you forget because it couldn't handle it then. Now, apparently, you are ready.