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06/07/2008 07:54 AM

A talk with my rapist

lufft
lufftPosts: 73
Member

Alexx (who was my first bf and also raped me twice) saw me walking past his house the other day and motioned to me to come over. I ignored him but then he started walking towards me saying something to the effect of "what? you can't talk to me?" (in a friendly way). So I reached into my bag to be sure my swtichblade (which is illeagle here so don't tell) was there and it was so I stayed to chat.

We talked about useless stuff, catching up on the past couple years. Then we addressed the elephant in the room. He said sorry to me He said he really liked me and just fucked up. (Which I see now was to be expected. It was both our first relationship. Though that kind of fuck up was a bit extreme. He was on drugs idk)

He asked me if there was anything he could do for me. Anything at all. I jokingly suggested bashing Brian's face in (the other guy who raped me, which i told him about in all our talking I figured i would never see him again so why not open up) and he was like ok.

Through all our talking I feel like the guy who raped me doesn't exist anymore. The younger version of him. He was only 16 and now he's 19 so I dont think its all that crazy to believe he's mentally changed a lot since then.

I got home and just got in the shower and started balling (because I always go in the shower to cry). I couldnt wrap my head around it for a while but i figured out the tears were from happiness not anger or sadness. It was a release of all that shit and i was happy to be rid of it. The resentment to my current bf about sex is gone. I feel normal and its pretty amazing. I can barely wrap my head around it now (it happened on tuesday) I feel more confident too and its just weird. I hope this is permanent.

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06/07/2008 09:13 AM
TeainTN
TeainTN  
Posts: 574
Member

Thats' great!!! That's huge! he said he was sorry AND ask if there was anything he could do to make up for it. this is something most of us never get. I'm so happy for you. do you feel like a little piece of you is healed from it??

susan


06/07/2008 09:47 AM
lufft
lufftPosts: 73
Member

I feel so much better its crazy it took me till yesterday to wrap my head around it. I still feel kind of gross when i think about brain but my relationship is going better (in my head for me mentally I dont think anything has actually changed). I think its because Alexx was pretty much my only other relationship and it was pretty messed up but i dont even know really I guess my ideas when it comes to relationships just arent as messed up as they used to be because I'm healed from that one.

And in general I feel much idk i if i want to use the word older but I feel more adult from it somehow.

And another thing that helped was that we talked about what each other did wrong in the relationship (besides that big thing he did wrong) so we can avoid making the same mistakes.

Really in a nutshell I feel like my past has changed which of course is completly impossible but thats what it feels like. In my head I guess it has a little. I thought he was just using me the whole time but he really did like me he just really really messed up.


06/07/2008 06:58 PM
Lilibit58
Lilibit58  
Posts: 1556
Senior Member

That is great that you could talk to him. I would be afraid to talk to the guy who did it to me, even now. His saying he's sorry helps to relieve you of the "fault" of it. He took it on as he fault by admitting it. This is part of the relief you feel. It is not your fault.

I agree with you, when boys are young this happens more often. Not that it excuses it. I hope he has matured and won't do it to anyone else. In every relationship that doesn't work out there are mistakes made on both sides. Working that out and admitting to it is a huge step. Yes, you are maturing Smile

I do believe that if you can resolve it with the person who did it you will be better off in the long run. You don't have to carry the guilt and shame the rest of your life with it messing up every relationship after. I am very happy for you.

Lori


06/07/2008 07:01 PM
Lilibit58
Lilibit58  
Posts: 1556
Senior Member

BTW Sweetpea here did have the same thing happen. Talked to him and worked part of it out. She's better now too.

06/10/2008 06:20 AM
lufft
lufftPosts: 73
Member

OMG I'm so mad! I told my bf all of this. I told him I talked to Alexx and he asked which one in shock refusing to believe it, then he was concerned ("he could have raped you again. Did you have the knife"Wink, then he got kind of mad ("You better not forgive him for that"Wink. He says if it made me feel better ok but I shouldn't forgive him. Who is he to tell me who and who not to forgive?! ugh! and he seemed kind of indifferent about my happiness. idk he killed my happy Sad

06/10/2008 02:12 PM
Lilibit58
Lilibit58  
Posts: 1556
Senior Member

He appears to me to be protective. He probably has his own insecurities on this too. Maybe talking to him about how he might be feeling or ask why he reacted that way.

I'm sorry your happy burst...he just doesn't understand that the way to get past this is to forgive.


06/11/2008 01:49 PM
mrscro1331
mrscro1331  
Posts: 65
Member

as much as it angers us when the people who love us react that way.it is because they are thinking of our safety.my husband and i got in a bad arguement and i jumped out of the car and started walking po'd dowm the side of the highway.i was going to call for someone to come pick me up safely.but,my husband kept driving next to me yelling at me.then finally yelled you dont want to get raped again?as mad as i was at him,i knew he was looking out for me.you were trying to get some closure for yourself.which is great!but,your bf is looking at only your safety.im glad you got some peace from having the conversation with your rapist.but he did rape you.if he has grown scince then thats wonderful.just remember what he is capeable of. 1331

06/17/2008 02:44 AM
belinda1217
 
Posts: 1407
Senior Member
I'm an Advocate

I'm so glad I put my rapist in prison and the power over him.

He threatened to kill and he'd better hope when he gets out my husband never sees him.

Belinda

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