help!!

the 1st time i was a virgin.i was drinking and out when i shouldnt have been. i got sick and a male friend was helping me.he left to get me some water,and his buddy who i didnt even notice.on the other end of the couch.grabbed me off the couch and pinned me to the floor.he kissed me and i laughed.i thought he was playing.my friend walked back in.and i told him to help.i told him i wasnt kidding.and he left anyways.i fought and yelled for my friend upstairs and no-one came. i ended up hemmoraging and lived with my dad.all i could think of was that he would go to jail and it was my fault.i had to ask to meet my biological mother to get medical treatment. i could never drink after that without the rape coming to the surface.

after 10 years with an abusive husband.who would have sex with me while i cried.some friends helped me get the courage to get out. my brother-he was adopted-not blood, but i only viewed him as my brother. he said he would move in and help with bills.i thought nothing could be safer.until one day where he offered to get my pepsi from the kitchen.i felt as if i had a bad dream.i was on my bed and the last i remembered i was on the couch.the one thing i remembered couldnt be right.my brother was ontop of me.only for a moment i saw him and fought him ,but my body did somthing i couldnt control.eventhough i was hitting him off.i knew when i woke up and my shirt was on wrong.that it was not a dream/nightmare.but had no proof and knew nothing of the date rape drug.until i was asleep one night and woke to him touching me under my covers while he laid on the floor.this time i knew and went to my father.i told him what happened and tried to tell him there was more.he didnt want to hear and told me he was not blood.

this made me go the complete opposite as before.i did every drug i could try.drank.going over the edge.

so not doing too bad i had stopped hard drugs and was seeing a ent for my headaches allegies and a neck problem.i saw him for 3 years.i thought he was the kindof dr that would have made housecalls back in time.i talked to him about everything.and trusted him completly.my 2nd husband had gone back to drugs and destoyed our house with a bat,and sold anything of value.i was diagnosed with bi-polar after some previous suicide attempts.but,when my husband did what he did.i was working trying to get everything back together and had forgotton to take my Zoloft.by the time i knew what was wrong,it was too late.i atempted suicide again.this time it was major.my dad tried to get me committed.i did not want to go.i got a call from my dr.saying my dad asked him to sign papers to get me committed.he said i had to come to his office right away.i told him if he could wait 20 more minutes i would have a ride.he said no i had to come now.i never questioned anything.he had talked to me telling me my dad knew what they do to pretty girls like me in the mental ward.he told me to come in his office.it was 4;00 in afternoon i thought he would show me the papers.he sat me in a chair walked away and came back.i was looking at the floor i did not see that the back of his office was an apartment.he kissed me and i went to ask him what he was doing,but did not have the chance he grabbed my arm dragging me to his bed.i could not speak. i did not say no,i just kept taking chances to redress myself.i knew that he was saying if i dont do this,hes signing the papers to put me away.he was having a hard time with an erection.i was frustrating him and he was getting mad.all the questions he was asking,everything he did was to get me there alone.i had to quit fighting he was hurting me more and more.i thought hes a dr he can kill me and nobody would question it.he dragged me into the shower.now i had to get out.i asked him why he hadnt tried anything when my husband was around? i knew why but,i decided this happened and i was not going to ask myself questions the rest of my life.he went on to tell me how he wanted my hair done and a dress he sees me in.that he wanted to marry me.i got more frightened with every sentance.he planned this.he thought about this a long time.i struggled with not saying the word no.i told people and they were like.why would you go to his office? i trusted him.i did not think.years later i wrote the medical board i did not want it to happen to anyone else.he had moved,thats where he wanted me to go.the police came and questioned me.it started to come to light how obsessed he was about me and that he was giving my husband medication that made him violent.the medical board gave him a reprommand,not even on his record.the police are they have murders to solve.they said his 1st wife was his patient.i feel angry,that based on his feelings for me,that everyone is excusing the fact that he used his position as my doctor to assault me.he threatened me by phone for months.and he lied about the papers .he kept saying im the girl that tried to kill herself,nobody will believe you.he gave my friends extra medication to find out information about who i was around and with.he told me because of my suicide attempt i had to continue to be his patient until he released me.i brought any guy friend i had with me,and he would get mad calling them boys.one of the nurses knew something and was calling too.the last appointment i had he said he would not release me if i brought one of my little boyfriends with me.i set up protection in place.but,when the visit was over i stood in front of the secretarys and nurse.and hugged him looking at them and said i thought of youall as family.i hoped that nurse would follow me and do the right thing.nope they said last patient lets have a drink.when my brother raped me i thought i saw his bestfriend at the door.i do not understand how people can know things like that and not do the right thing.everyone calls me niave.but,im just plain stupid.what is wrong with me? the 1st rape i thought i will never let anything like that happen again.how was i to know my brother wold drug me and my doctor had a sick obsession.please help? 1331

I hope you are no longer seeing this doctor and that you are away from your brother. Have you confronted him, the brother?

Suicide attempts make the uninformed think that you are not stable so everything you say is tainted. They are wrong.

I was told all through my younger years that I was niave and stupid, way too trusting. I got this way from being neglected and molested and developing no strong boundaries around me. Basically I have no boundaries, so others see it as niave. I am not stupid, nor are you.

Have you sought counseling? When you are ready to talk about it it is the place to go. If not we will support you here as best we can. Do you have family, mom who will listen. If they are not supportive in other areas then I wouldn't say anything to them. Maybe some friends who have been through something similar?

I'm glad you decided to join us and had the courage to write it all out. PM me anytime if you need to talk.

Lori

When my daughter was dealing with her xbf we tape recorded him on the phone. The equipment was not expensive, got it at radio shack, if you have that store around or maybe on-line. Less scary on the phone but then again he might not say anything.

It's good you could tell your step mom. When it hasn't happened to them it is hard to "get it". I'm glad she is willing to support you, that a big part of getting better...finding support.

I'm happy you found the courage to write, you are stronger than you think.

Lori