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I can't help you from a man's point of view, but I can tell that I know exactly where you are right now as I went through the same thing with my husband after his surgery in 2005. I wish I'd had someone to talk to who could help with the adjustments both of us had to make after his surgery because your boyfriend is right...it IS a mental thing. For both of you. In my case, it was easy to be the model of support and patience at first. I suppose that deep down I figured that he'd just take pop a couple of Viagra after a few months and we'd take up where we left off. Things didn't quite work out that way. Although his bladder control came back fairly quickly, when the time came for the ED pills, my husband could not tolerate any of them. (Later he admitted that deep down, he'd harbored the same thoughts I'd had about how easy it would be to resume our sex life.) By then, I - and my healthy libido - had been celibate for months. Despite the sympathy I felt for my husband's helplessness, I finally realized that I'd lost something too. What was worse was how we were treating our sex life like the pink elephant in the room. This is what makes it a mental thing for the woman as well. Guilt fills the mind for even considering our own sexual frustration in light of his suffering. For me, this was mingled with feelings of vulnerability, as I realized that I couldn't just turn him on like I used to. Like you, it wasn't even so about much the celibacy...more than anything, I just missed being touched. Like your boyfriend, my husband worried about disappointing me. He admits now that the inability to have an erection on his own (something that he'd taken for granted since puberty) nearly consumed him that first year. Mostly, he worried that his impotence would be permanent. Luckily for both of us patience has never been one of my strong suits. It took nearly six more months, but I finally found my courage one night, turned to him, smiled and told him that we were going to have to figure it out because I wanted him and I refused to accept not having him. I gently reminded him that he'd had no problem satisfying me sans penis before the surgery and that I expected no less from him now. Long story short, not only did he take care of me that night  , he also went back to the doctor to discuss his options. The uro told him about the injections (which he flatly refused to consider  ) and the vacuum pump (which he ordered). Today, we are usually able to forgo the pump altogether, but I must stress that it took years for my husband to be able to maintain an erection long enough to complete intercourse. Meanwhile, don't expect the "mental thing" to end; my husband is still frustrated when his erection doesn't last. The difference is that with the pump he can DO something about it. Personally, I don't think it's always made clear that for some men, recovery can take far longer than a matter of months. I myself only learned this after reading testimonials from other recovering patients...I remember one man reporting that it took him nearly 5 years to maintain an erection all the way through intercourse. I only mention this because it's a lot more positive to think you're ahead of schedule than behind it. His story helped us both maintain the belief that he would recover too. In other words, don't give up on him...and even more important--don't let him give up on himself. Post edited by: SereneBeing, at: 07/13/2008 17:36 |
