Hello

I have worked in Corrections for the past 16 years and have been through some pretty hellaious experiences as one can imagine. But we are taught as rookies to suck it up and not let these things bother you, after all, you are only doing a job. Well, my job has finally done it's job on me.

It wasn't until this past December when I noticed how bad things were for me. I am a Navy Reservist and was deployed for a 13 month mobilization. I left my family 2000 miles behind and returned to find myself no longer fitting in at home or at work. I chalked it up to just getting back into the flow of things but as time went on, things were only getting worse. The separation from my family and the lonliness I experienced were my trigger...16 years of repressing myself had finally caught up.

Long story short, I alienated my wife, my children, my friends, and all those who care about me. I began experiencing extreme rage, depression, and isolationism. Out of fear of losing everything, I sought help. I was diagnosed. Yet, the rage continues, the isolation continues. And so does the numbness. I hurt but cannot shed tears. I want to apologize for the hurt I've caused and find no words. I find solace in being alone and disdain for those that want to help.

I want to be me again and yet I can't remember who I was. I want to love my wife but I can't remember what love felt like. I want to laugh with the guys but forgot how to smile. I want this rage to leave me and yet, I am afraid of it rearing itself.

Gloria

Thanks for the response. I am getting counseling on a regular basis (1-2 times per week). I am not on any meds at the moment as I am not wanting to go that route yet.

As for it being a rough road....that is an understatement. I don't even remember what I used to be like. Everyday, I push more and more people away from me, and the reality is, I don't care. It is a real struggle at times controlling the rage inside me I never new I had. This is what scares me the most right now. My therapist is gearing me up to start letting it out slowly and with control. I am afraid of letting it out because I don't know if I will be able to control it once I start. In my business, that is a bad thing. In life, that is even worse.

I entered my field hoping to help people and change lives. I can honestly say that I have touched lives and unfortunately at the expense of turning my life into a shamble.

My PTSD I've had my whole life.......I have had it and/or bipolar disorder for as long as I remember. Mine is from childhood trauma, but I think nuts is nuts, lol, and we all need help. If not meds, then just talking and debriefing the shit we can't quite handle yet. Keep posting my friend.....we will heal together maybe.

Gloria