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05/17/2009 12:19 AM

PTSD many years; Now I cannot 'avoid' it....

BrenPen
BrenPen  
Posts: 9
Member

Hello Group,

I am having 'events'; maybe flashbacks. I do not re-live, or re-experience the past traumas. What happens is that emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually, I find myself, THERE. All the horrible manifestations occur. The fear that freezes me in place. Some faint murmurs, of 'help', 'help', whisper from my mouth. Something deadly is happening. But this is what I cannot understand: During these events, there is no memory of the past, or any actual occurance. Only the overall calmity, as IF something is happening. It is very confusing. I have my Psychiatrist, and now have found a therapist whom I trust. I am beginning the treatment. Does anyone relate to this experience of 'hysteria', but without any mental or visual 'recall'? (I do remember the events and can tell people about them all...just not during the 'attacks'; because ...well, I do not know.

Thank you for answering.

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05/17/2009 06:27 AM
ceegee
ceegee  
Posts: 961
Senior Member

I don't know if this is the same thing but I don't relive the event but I get the emotions... Its like the fear and rage overcome me for a few seconds to minutes out of nowhere. sometimes I'm in public and tears will swell up in my eyes and I have to fight my emotions and tell myself that its not real. Oh and welcome to the group.

05/17/2009 11:15 AM
WG2009
WG2009  
Posts: 49
Member

When I get stressed I get a profound sense of helplessness and panic. I am scared all the time. Then I often overreact to stressors. Something small will happen and I will just get overly angry and frustrated.

05/18/2009 08:43 PM
BrenPen
BrenPen  
Posts: 9
Member

Thanks for the reply, Ceegee. I feel for you. Thanks for taking the responsibility to be a group leader. I bet it helps you in your recovery..? Thank you for being here.

05/18/2009 08:53 PM
BrenPen
BrenPen  
Posts: 9
Member

I hear you. Thank you. I am so very sorry for what you have gone through. We truly ARE powerless! (I mean, in the sense of all things spiritual.)

I get angry that my day, or days, can become 'hostage' to the fear and all the other symptoms of the trama from so long ago. We can do something about this. I know this; no matter who was the 'One' that did these horrible things.... It is up to Me, to recover from them. I have learned this, and embrace this as the TRUTH. I have recovered from several life threatening illnesses and conditions. I blamed others. In some situations, I truly was not at fault. These were sick people. So. I have forgiven them, to God, for they are not at all well. And some days I can be grateful for the 'gift' of recovery. Please write, again, if you wish. Be kind to yourself. You are preciouse and needed. Love, BrenPen


05/19/2009 06:40 AM
ceegee
ceegee  
Posts: 961
Senior Member

BrenPen, thank you for the encouragement! I needed that. sometimes I feel bad when someone comes to the group who has been through hell and I have no words to help them other than I'm here for them if they need to talk. but one thing about this group... someone always comes through and gives some wise advise or at least can relate to them. I am blessed that I have not been through a lot of the abuse that most of the group has been through and they are MY hero because I truly don't think I could have survived if it had been me. I was sexually assaulted while in the army and it triggered my first Manic episode, I have BP on top of PTSD. they didn't help me, they chose to cover it up by branding my crazy and sedating me for days than medivacing me to the mental ward, so I couldn't tell anyone about what happen... the man was a high ranking enlisted man and his career was more important than my sanity.. things from that time are really hazy now since its been 20 years ago. but sometimes I get a sort of emotional flash back. I have a strong feeling that I have repressed a lot of what actually happened and I really don't want to remember because it may be a lot worse than I think it was...

Post edited by: ceegee, at: 05/19/2009 06:40 AM


05/19/2009 04:35 PM
Nevayda
 
Posts: 7675
VIP Member

Hi and welcome. What you are describing sounds very much like a panic attack. Even if it isn't, it sure has the feelings of being vulnerable and panicky and unable to be the one in control at the time. It is not unusual to not remember a lot of details about the trauma. Bits and pieces and feelings and it's mostly the feelings that get triggered. It's good you have a Dr. and therapist. Share with the Dr. and see if there are any meds that can help you during this time.

05/21/2009 04:38 PM
DaddiesGirl

i dont want to remember either but i have to - i feel like if i dont face my demons i will never be free of the anxiety. i hate the hypervigilance. it makes me antisocial. i'd rather be alone than always "screening" my surroundings to see if i'm in an unsafe place. the constant stress really gets to me.

05/22/2009 06:01 AM
Nevayda
 
Posts: 7675
VIP Member

I relate. I grew up in a city on the side of town that was changing rapidly. I was 5 and my Grandmother and I would walk to the dime store. We had to pass an alley and she said "if someone atacks me, run to that house and tell them to call the police." I had instructions like that for two years. Also, my older brother carried a switch blade to high school. My older sister had it sometimes, and she showed me how to play "mumbely peg." It's a game of throwing the knife with different parts of your hand and arm. So I got some early training that stayed with me forever. Add ptsd to that. It is amazing how those early self defense techniques are still there. During the worst flashback times, I had to drive my youngest child to a city Dr. Usually a hospital not in a suburb. She was the absolute safest child ever. Hypervigilense mode can be an assest. I prefer to live in rural areas as I cannot relax in a city at all. I may not be hypervigilant now, but in a city-it all comes back. It is not a good idea for anyone to push me hard, because I push back harder and give them something to think about before they have a chance to do it again. My family doesn't really know this about me.

I have stayed out of citylife, so can be comfortable, but at the first sign of violence-I'm on alert and forming a survial plan.

I was an efficient girlscout(lol). This is ptsd"s good side. I am a survivor and will be that way until I go to a better place.


05/22/2009 07:35 PM
DaddiesGirl

yeah but i get really bad. i have screwdrivers in the cars. i had i knife but my son took it out. something about a concealed weapon. i have screwdrivers and knives hidden all over the house always within 5 feet of me wherever i am at and i always have something on my keychain that i can use as a weapon. sad to say, when i look at sharp objects or anyting in particular i dont see it for what its intended i see it as a possible weapon. thats sad. i spend hours sometimes when i'm alone practicing with the knives in the living room trying to imagine every possible situtaion i could be in and how i would get out. it becomes obsessive sometimes. i wish i could get over it but dont know how. i also get very angry when 'threatened'. some guys showed up at my door once to threaten my son and i went off, i went out there and pretyt much dared them, i waS like shoot me, mf'rs i'm not scared to die...it was crazy. but i am definitely not afraid...death wish? i dotn know.
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