Post Traumatic Stress Support Group

Hello all,

I guess I have been diagnosed with PTSD from suffering from sexual abuse for about 11 years. It only stopped because I moved away after graduating from high school. My mom met my second step-dad when I was 7. (I didn't like my first one because he was so strict. But as I look back on it now, I realize he was a pretty good guy. Wish I knew where he was so I could say thanks.) My 2nd step-dad had two adult children and grandchildren from his oldest daughter who lived in another state. But my step-brother lived with us. (My mother didn't waste any time moving in with this new guy of hers)

It all started when my step-brother offered to let me see his penis since I had never seen an adult one before. He then started physically and sexually abusing me every single day after school because no adults would be home till after 5pm. On weekends he took every opportunity to do that whenever we were alone. And it was all my fault because I was the one that wanted to see his penis in the first place. And I was hoping the physical abuse would stop if I didn't make him mad. (One thing he liked to do was pick me up and squeeze until I passed out. That sucked.) He also took Polaroids of each of his victims, including me, and made sure to show me every single one and he even pointed out his "favorites". I'm pretty sure there were 100 or more different children. I never told anyone.

My step-father had his own little way of sexual abuse. One thing he always did was pat me on the butt and often with a little squeeze too. I hated that and asked my mother if she could ask him to stop. She said, "That's just how he shows love." So I had to put up with it. He always talked to me about sexual things that no little girl should have to hear about. Like how women would call him because they basically needed him to come service them. So, because he was "needed", he was obligated to "help". And it was just a type of "service" so it wasn't like he was cheating on my mom. He did some other sexual acts to me when no one was around but not as often as the other asshole. I actually thought I liked him. I thought he was a nice guy and I just had to put up with the other stuff because he was nice in all other ways. He bribed me basically. Of course my mother didn't want me to eat candy all the time, so he made sure to always have my favorite candy on stock and well hidden so I could have it when ever I wanted without getting in trouble. He did tons of other things to make me like him too. Like getting my mother to stop beating us with such things like logs and 2X4's. (I do have an older brother that was rarely home so he didn't know about the sexual abuse) My mother was a very angry person, for some reason, and beat us with whatever she could find pretty much every single day. So I HAD to like my step-dad. I owed him.

(I'm sorry this is so long, but it kind of feels good getting it out. I'm almost done. I promise!)

Then, suddenly, when I was 12, my step-dad moved us to a town 200 miles away. He said it was to get my brother away from drugs. My brother was 16 at that time and was high on pot, LSD, hash, speed, what ever he could get, ALL THE TIME! I'm surprised he didn't kill himself. I have never known anyone to have a drug problem that bad. Of course, drugs are everywhere so moving didn't do a damn thing. The only good thing was that my step-brother stayed behind. So I only had to put up with the mild sexual abuse from my step-dad. I guess that was better than what used to happen, so why should I complain?

I didn't realize until I was 27 and seeing a psychologist for the first time that what my step-dad did was also sexual abuse. Around that time I finally told my mom about my step-brother. He was actually in prison by then because he sexually abused his own niece and she had the guts to tell. Police had already been keeping an eye on him because he liked to mail his pictures to other scumbags and I guess it's illegal to mail that kind of stuff, but they weren't able to prove it or something until his niece finally spoke up. Then, several years after that I finally told my mom about my step-dad. Guess what she said . . . "That's not what he said!!" I was absolutely shocked. She knew! And she didn't do anything! She was not with him any more at that time but was still friends. And she STILL didn't do anything! Apparently he had told her that I wanted it. I told my mom that even if I did ask for it - of course I DIDN'T - it was his obligation as an adult to make sure nothing like that would EVER happen!

Needless to say, I'm not very good friends with my mom any more.

I found out I was also bipolar when I was 30. My biggest hurdle is trying not to hate my guts. I do. I REALLY HATE MY GUTS and have ever since I was about 7. Meds, therapy, and electric shock therapy have not helped very much, but I recently figured out that it is probably because I'm pretty sure I only deserve to suffer and will NEVER deserve to get better. I'm thinking the PTSD might be one of the problems. Maybe that's why I'm spilling my guts right now because I've never really said this much about it before.

Jeaniebird. First of all never apologize for such long posts. That is what we are here for. Now as for hating yourself don't do that. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL! You were curious and he took advantage of that. None of us deserve to be diagnosed with PTSD and riding this roller coaster of emotions it puts us on. The one to blame and to hate is the one who done this to you. We are all here for you and you post as much as you want/need to as long as it is helping you. No one on here thinks badly of you or will ever judge you for anything you post about your life. We all have our own personal hells to deal with and along the way if we can help others deal with theirs then all the better.

Ah ha.....the second HUGE step......Get it out in the open....tell it and tell it and then tell it again........that is called DEBRIEFING> I ask you to please read my group leader introduction. You will read my take on PTSD and maybe see the way this has helped me...I am so proud of you, Jeanie.. It took a lot of guts to write about your abuse and molestation. Now let's thin that bad boy out and get on with the healing!!!