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08/11/2008 09:20 PM

hi

ifeelsobroken88
 
Posts: 6
Member

Hello everyone I wanted to introduce myself and share my story.

First off my name is Ashely. I am 20 years old and have been diganosed with ptsd.

At 16 years old I became an emergency medical technician. My dad had been a paramedic for 18 years at that time and I wanted to follow in his footsteps I now understand why he didnt want me to. Everything was pretty mild. I was doing my internship (it was a school program which I am very happy is now closed) thinking hey this is pretty cool I dont know what my dad was talking about telling me to stay away. Then March 1 2005 everything came to a screeching halt.

We were asked to clear the scene where the paitent was dead on arrival had been for sevral days for a 3 year old cardiac arrst. Dispacthers are well 90% of the time completely wrong so I was thinking we would get there and the child would have been choking but okay. I was wrong and never prepared to see what I did in my class.

I was told to stay in the back of the box the firefighters on scene were bringing the boy out, the driver pulled a back board out of the side and layed it down ont he stretcher as I was pulling out a bag valve mask to prepare to ventilate. When they layed him down I immeditely saw the busises on his face. I opened his airway (the wrong way I had no idea trauma was involved how stupid could I be? the bruises should have tipped me off) began to breathe for him. I was told to move so they could intubate and as I did I looked out the open doors into the cold march air. His "mother" (she is no mother in my book she is a sick monster)she was just standing there like she was waiting in line at a mcdonalds with her arms crossed like nothing was going on. Then we cut off his clothes and saw multipe bruises at different stages. Thats when I knew it was child abuse. I get back to ventilating, the firefighter takes chest compressions over and then here comes the dad.

He walks in the side door of the box. Screaming frantically and crying. I can still hear his words ringing in my head. "Oh god dont let my little buddy die please lord please. Thats my little buddy I love him so much we are taking him to get a puppy tomorrow for his birthday please just dont let him die".They had to phsycially restrain him and remove him from the medic. We worked on him the entire way. The paramedic told me we arent going to save him his pupiuls are fixed and dilated. She gave him atropine or something I cant remember what she gave him I was too focused on keeping my balence while making sure the et tube didnt bend in anyway on the very bumpy ride to the hospital. I was so determied I was going to savehis life it was going to be like rescue 911 where we bring him back and he is okay and he gets to live his life. I was wrong 20 minutes after we got to the ER they called it. The paramedic then had the balls to blame ME for his death saying if I had opened his airway the right way then he would have lived. Its haunted me for 3 years. This woman was no bag of roses to work with ever she was a bitch in every sense of the word and did not make my ems work with her shift enjoyable in any bit. I guess I do blame her partially for scarring me for life.I cant return to work in ems. I am terrified of being put in that situation again.

I just fianlly recieved help I am talking to a wonderful therapist who is helping me out. Im just looking for support from other people who are living with this disorder. People who understand and dont think I am crazy and just need to get over it. If you have read this far thank you very much.

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08/11/2008 10:50 PM
glory
glory  
Posts: 3668
VIP Member

Welcome to the site, broken, I am glad you have found us. Read the posts and ask all the questions or give all the answers you can. We are here to help each other. I have PTSD and OCD and am also Bipolar. I was a nurse for several years but before that I was an EMT. I know your pain and your fears. I know that we are often in a very lonely place that others without our mental illness can't understand. I hope you are taking some prescription drugs such as Antianxiety and antipsychotic meds as well as a mood stablizer. These have helped me live for almost 40 years. If you want to talk personally, dear, just use the PM (private message) to write me. I will help you as all the others on this site will do.

08/12/2008 08:32 AM
sisters4life

Sorry i was slow replying Broken. Welcome to the group and as Glory said feel free to ask any questions you have and PM me if you want to talk privately. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2004 then they added General anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, panic attacks, depression, and today at my dr apt we went up another level to bi-polar. It is a long irritating ride to get things balanced but i am told once they get the puzzle pieces in place it is wonderful.

08/12/2008 08:44 AM
nicolechittock
nicolechittock  
Posts: 475
Member

Hello, Broken

Wow, what a story. I am so sorry you had to go through that! And as for the witch who told you it was your fault, she's wrong. No matter what you did or didn't do correctly, if she was in charge, it's HER fault for not correcting your mistake. After all, you were in a TRAINING course!!! There's no way you could know as much as a trained paramedic!!

I had a friend who worked as a CNA for years until she lost a patient. She worked in an assisted living home, and a woman she was caring for had a heart attack in front of her. Since she was the only one in the vicinity, she performed CPR. However, no one had ever told her that if you do CPR correctly (especially on an elderly person with fragile bones) the ribs will break. She was completely unprepared for it, and then the paramedics who arrived made her feel stupid for not knowing. Needless to say, that was the end of her CNA career.

I'm really glad you've found our group. We've got great people who can offer advice or just listen when you need them to. And the best part: we've all been there, and we all know you can't just "get over it."

Best of everything to you...


08/12/2008 10:46 AM
ifeelsobroken88
 
Posts: 6
Member

thank you for the welcome it is really great to have others who understand. I just feel like everything is being even more overwhelming now. I was just told my uncle passed away at 1:45 this morning and I will not be able to make it to the funeral. I was going to call him today and I never got the chance I feel so guilty

08/12/2008 12:18 PM
sisters4life

Oh my Broken i'm so sorry to hear about your uncle. I was in that situation twice a few months ago. I had a good friend/neighbor pass then a week later a man that was a father figure in my life passed and i couldn't go to either funeral. Try not to feel guilty about not getting to make that call. I know it's hard but things happen for a reason in life. Again my sympathy to you and your family.

08/12/2008 08:08 PM
nicolechittock
nicolechittock  
Posts: 475
Member

I'm very sorry to hear about your Uncle. Try not to feel guilty--he knows you care. I went through something similar with my Grandma. My thoughts and prayers are with you, hun.

08/13/2008 05:11 PM
Lilibit58
Lilibit58  
Posts: 1556
Senior Member

So sorry to hear of your loss, maybe you could light a candle at a church to show your sympathy and loss since you can't go to the funeral. It's so hard to understand when we mean to do something and don't when someone dies. I'm sure he knew you cared about him and wouldn't want you to feel guilty.

As for the ptsd I have that too, but it's from a culmination of events the last one putting me over the edge. That woman was totally out of line. She was the instructor, she holds the responsibility and should have stopped you or corrected you. Since she didn't she didn't know or that wasn't the problem. I can't immagine witnessing the death of a child, I don't know how emt's do it.

Welcome to the group Smile

Lori

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