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nicolechittock
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I was diagnosed two years ago with PTSD (as well as four other disorders). I'm a member of several other groups here, but I decided to join this one as well because even though I thought I had made giant strides toward recovery, I have recently discovered they've been more like baby steps. The nightmares have started again. I had one the night before last, and then last night I had another one. So here I am this morning, scared, and unsure of whether or not I'll ever get past this. I don't want to let this keep hurting me! My PTSD is the result of an abusive marriage (we've been divorced over three years now), and I feel like every time I wake up covered in sweat and tears, I'm letting him win. I don't want to talk to my husband about it because even though he's a wonderful, loving, caring person, he can't help but feel like there's something he should be doing to make it better. I can't talk to my friends because they just don't understand. I feel like I'm going around in circles here! Does it ever go away??????? Niki C.
"Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work; it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." |
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glory
Posts: 3364
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Welcome to the site, Niki. Please make yourself at home. Read, ask questions, answer questions, and just jump in wherever you like. I have a combination of Bipolar Disease, OCD and PTSD. Does it ever go away? I am 58 and all of my disorders stem from my childhood. I am quite sure for me it will never go away. But I have been able to put it on the back burner so it doesn't run or ruin my life any more. By having it there to take out and look at sometimes, I am able to recognize the things I have learned from it. I am always on the lookout for others suffering what I suffered. This way, I can help stop the offenses that perhaps another person is subjected to.
"We Know We Are Out Of Step When"
We cannot walk a straight line.
We've stepped on our brother's foot.
We forget to be thankful.
We feel alone.
We think our dance is the only dance there is.
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nicolechittock
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Thanks for the welcome, Glory! You know, it's funny: in addition to the PTSD, I also have Generalized anxiety, Social Anxiety, OCD, and Panic Disorder, but the only one I feel bad about is the PTSD. I think I came to terms a long time ago that I was chemically different. I've had anxiety my whole life (from birth I wouldn't wet my diaper in a strange environment), but the PTSD is different. I think I hate it so much because he did it to me. It's not something I was born with; it's something that was put on me. I'm angry and ashamed all at once, and there are days I can't seem to stop the tears. (Unfortunately, today is one of them.) In my head, I know my experience has made me stronger, but on days like today, I just want to crawl under a rock and pretend I never lived that life. I'm very glad for places like this. It's nice to connect with others going through the same thing. Thank you. Niki C.
"Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work; it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."
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glory
Posts: 3364
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Oh hell yes, Niki, lol, I have my crying days too!! However, my tears quickly turn to anger and then I have world war 3 flutter around inside my head, and then it's pretty much over! lol (oh wow,I'm showing that I'm nutty as a fruitcake)!!! lol I had a therapist that told me it was OK to hate my parents,(they inflicted horrors on me from as early as I can remember until I was 18). She told me it was OK to hate them & never forgive them, and I would not go straight to hell. lol Have you been able to be angry at the ex without feeling guilt for the anger?
"We Know We Are Out Of Step When"
We cannot walk a straight line.
We've stepped on our brother's foot.
We forget to be thankful.
We feel alone.
We think our dance is the only dance there is.
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ThisBlows
 Posts: 1102
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Hi Niki, I was diagnosed PTSD due to my military service. I know all about night terrors, social anxiety and all the other stuff that comes with it. I consider myself lucky though, because Ive been able to control it so far (the meds help). But Ive had days wher I've wanted to disappear too. In my experience, it doesnt go away There can be whole weeks where everything is fine, but then something will set me off (a smeel, or a sound will trigger a memory) and I will get really agressive and jumpy. But the good news is that (once again in my experience) it is getting easier and easier to control. Cry HAVOC! and let slip the lemmings of war!
She turned me into a newt!.... I got better
Spes Mea In Deo Est
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nicolechittock
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Thanks for sharing your experiences, guys! It's really easy to feel alone in this, and knowing other people feel the same way really helps. Glory, I wish I could feel guilt free anger, but so far, no luck. I have days where I just want to rant and rave, when my anger towards him is so powerful I feel like it's seeping out of my pores. But then I feel horrible because I haven't been able to forgive and forget. Everyone keeps telling me forgiveness is the key to feeling better, but I hurt too badly to ever want to forgive him. It doesn't help that he's in the Army, and that makes it easy for people to make excuses for his behavior. I know how hard his job is, and I respect him for being a good soldier, but just because someone is good at their job, it doesn't mean they are immune to being a jerk. I go back and forth between wanting to forgive him and wanting to hate him forever. It's a horrible roller coaster ride. Of course, his current wife doesn't help the situation, but that's a whole other story. Niki C.
"Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work; it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." |
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sisters4life
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Hi Nikki and welcome. You sound so much like myself and others i know with PTSD. My dr's refer to it as a roller coaster ride. I have been on it for over 4 yrs now since officially diagnosed with PTSD. It's not a fun roller coaster and it does help to have others that understand it. I look forward to getting to know you and please feel free to email me privately if you want to. Suzanne
As quietly as little rabbit's feet,
The morning glory sun arrives to greet
The Red Man as he worships in his way.
For this he asks the Spirit every day;
Before I judge my friend, O let me wear
His moccasins for two long weeks, and share
The path that he would take in wearing them;
Then, I shall understand and not condemn.
"If you have a secret to tell or a problem you can't figure out.... whisper it to the wind and allow the wind to take it far away from you and set your mind free."
"It's about realizing, painfully, you've kept that voice inside yourself, locked away from even yourself. And you step back and see that your jailer has changed faces. You realize you've become your own jailer."
Where is that cheerful girl I used to know? I look in the mirror and it's like I don't even recognize myself. I look so down and tired, I don't see that girl that was so happy so long ago. What happened to the days I would smile? Where are the days that my heart wouldn't break? Where have I gone? I see that girl when I look in the mirror, but she's too far gone. I can't bring her back to life she's feeling to much strife. I feel her inside me, but my depression won't let her come out. I think the old me is gone without doubt.
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nicolechittock
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Thank you, sister! Niki C.
"Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work; it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." |
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glory
Posts: 3364
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Who made up that thing about forgive & forget???? They obviously were never abused and molested! Niki, to me, to forgive, is to justify. There is no justification for what happened to us. The only way to relieve our torment, in my opinion, is to be able to place it at the back of our memory bank. I did this with the help of a Psychiatrist, medication, and a therapist. The main thing my therapist did was debrief, debrief, debrief. It's like peeling an onion, Niki. With every layer you take off( by talking about it)It becomes smaller and smaller. Finally it becomes so small that you can put it in the fridge, way in the back, and there isn't even any stinky smell left. That's how I have made it such an insignificant part of my life, but, it took me 50 years to get here. I hope you get there more quickly than me. lol Once you do get there, you are going to feel the weight of the world lifted off your shoulders and will begin enjoying your new found freedom.
"We Know We Are Out Of Step When"
We cannot walk a straight line.
We've stepped on our brother's foot.
We forget to be thankful.
We feel alone.
We think our dance is the only dance there is.
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nicolechittock
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Thank you, Glory. I can't even begin to tell you how good it feels to hear that. I really don't talk about it much. I have tried to, but then people say I'm obsessing about it. Sometimes even I feel like I'm obsessing about it. They tell me to talk about it once and then set it aside and be done with it. Well I can't! When it's haunting my dreams and affecting my behavior, I can't set it aside. When I'm flinching every time I hear a raised voice, I can't just let it go. When I hear people say that Emotional Abuse isn't really abuse at all, I want to fly off the handle. When his current wife says things about being "disgusted" that I think I'm so abused, I want to tell her in detail about the rape, the humiliation, and the fear. But I don't. I can't. Because I'm afraid people will take it the wrong way, like I can't let it go because I can't let HIM go. Well, believe me, I can let that P.O.S. go!!! It was me that finally left! But what I can't let go, not yet, is the anger, and I've felt bad about that for a long time. Sheesh, I'm crying like a little baby here. Guess it's my turn to show I'm nutty as a fruitcake, huh? lol Niki C.
"Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work; it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." |
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