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11/28/2011 09:42 PM

Hating myself

Jester
Posts: 3
New Member

I just joined this group a few minutes ago. I've never joined anything online before but the PTSD is unbearable lately especially today. I'm hating myself a lot. I'm a marine veteren, in the marines is when I was diagnosed. Id rather not talk about what happened right now. I just feel like I'm on the island of misfit toys all the time, lol. I go to the VA but to be honest it's frustrating to talk to therapists that learned about PTSD from a book. I'm angry lately a lot, I never sleep and when I can fall asleep, the nightmares are horrible. I've been so depressed I've gained a lot of weight, so now I'm ashamed of myself. I'm so anxious right now and when it's like this I can't see that it won't always be this bad. I just want to talk to people that "get it" so I don't feel like such an alien. Therapy, pills and the progress seems nonexistent. I moved to Hawaii almost two years ago and I know it's beautiful here but it don't "feel it" ya know. And I'm never out of the apartment long enough to notice where I am. It just feels like running in place but not getting anywhere. I don't know if any of this makes any sense, I'm just tired of hating myself.
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11/28/2011 11:30 PM
fruitloop

Jester, you've joined a really great place for support and understanding. I'm pretty new myself, and I've been met with kindness and validation; I'm sure you'll enjoy the same.

First off I want to say thank you for your service in the Marines. Thank you for going through what you've gone through to help protect our freedoms. I'm sorry the cost was so great for you. I have PTSD from childhood abuse/neglect, but all I can say is I *understand* everything you've said here. I can relate so well. The nightmares really take a toll on me.. but I can say for myself that medication, a therapist that is willing to go at my own pace, and a sheer drive for liberation from fear and hate of myself, of my family, and of the world in general has pushed me to a place that I get them less and less. There was a time when it consumed me.

Feel free to open up as much or as little as you'd like, and at your own pace. You can post here on the open board, or send private messages -- whichever is more comfortable for you. All I can say is that I truly understand PTSD even though we've been through different situations, and that I'm here for you, as are many others in this group that I'm sure you'll have the pleasure of meeting.

Post edited by: fruitloop, at: 11/29/2011 03:22 AM


11/29/2011 08:39 AM
KittenMittens
KittenMittens  
Posts: 21492
VIP Member

welcome to the group Jester. Yes, you make sense. I would also like to thank you for your service to our country. Smile

The frustration that you are feeling is normal for PTSD. You have taken a huge step in acknowledging that you have it! It took me years to accept the diagnosis. Once I did, I started taking steps (little steps!) to face it.

Each step, no matter how small, is a victory.

Each step takes us closer to recovery.

Each step strengthens our resolve to face the past.

Each step gives us hope to look towards the future.

Cheryl


11/29/2011 10:17 AM
sparklehorse

Hi, is there a veterans group you can meet up with? I can see the need to talk to real people who understand. And I think I understand that book learned empathy, however well-intentioned, may only go so far.

Maybe a facilitaed vetran's group.

Everything you say, for example, about feeling cut off or indifferent to your lovely surroundings makes absolute sense. It is 'normal' for PTSD, miserable as that is.

Welcome to this forum.

Penelope

Post edited by: sparklehorse, at: 11/29/2011 10:20 AM


11/29/2011 03:59 PM
Fletch2ya
Fletch2ya  
Posts: 3183
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

HI...sparklehorse... Well I am not sure if there are any vet groups here, But I am a Viet Nam vet, and I am here because of my PTSD from there and some abuse issues as a child.... I am currently going to the VA for counseling..... and meds... Which is helping... If you want, please feel free to PM me or just post any questions or comments here.... I would be glad to help if I can.... But I do know what it is like to come home from combat....

11/30/2011 07:02 AM
FIgNewton
FIgNewton  
Posts: 4
New Member

Hi Jester. I just recently joined in a few days ago. This being my first support group of any kind, I am hoping that seeing and reading that there are others out there that go through and understand some of the same feelings that I have is a big relief. I am normally a goofy person, love to laugh and feel very uncomfortable having "deep, serious" converstaions. I have been dealing with a lot of anger here lately, so maybe we could help each other out along this journy... although I'm not sure where I'm going or how to get there Smile

Post edited by: FIgNewton, at: 11/30/2011 07:03 AM


11/30/2011 08:12 AM
Midget53
 
Posts: 749
Member
I'm an Advocate

Hi Jester. Welcome to the group. What you are saying makes perfect sense. I've been there when nothing in this world makes any sense to you and you have no pleasure in life. I was never abused as a child. My abuse came later in life from an ex-husband who started the trend of PTSD for me. My PTSD was made worse by coming home and finding my husband dead from a heart attack on our living room couch. I don't blame my husband for the PTSD I suffer now because he had no control of when and where he was going to die. I blame the heart attack that took his life. What you are experiencing now is completely normal. I'm really glad you joined us here. Sit back and listen as long as you want to and talk to us as you are comfortable talking. We don't force the issue of talking here. It's completely up to you. Once again welcome to the group, and we are glad that you are here.

11/30/2011 09:34 AM
sparklehorse

Hi Fletch, (and Midge)

I didn't mean a group here. I mean an in person group. However, there is a group here for military personnel at MDJ http://www.mdjunction.com/military-ptsd . I am not sure how active it is. The membership is listed at 16. But if those members are active.... However, I do recall that you are a Vietnam Vet, and I know there are many other Vets in this group, so Jester has good company here.

You know I am not a Vet. PTSD started in childhood for me. It's weird to me how it is like a sticky snowball or lint ball. Once it starts, all sorts of stuff sticks to it. An emergency c-section in later life, an event this last summer. I guess like Midge wrote about her husband's death. Is it like that Midge? Something happens that is deeply upsetting and rightfully disturbing to anyone, and to you (or someone with PTSD) it can become a trigger?


11/30/2011 01:12 PM
1magicman
1magicman  
Posts: 3371
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

The group is not very active nor does it have any group leaders. So that means it's fairly new group.

( Hope To Cope ) Scott


11/30/2011 01:24 PM
Fletch2ya
Fletch2ya  
Posts: 3183
VIP Member
I'm an Advocate

Hi... Well thats good to know, as I am a Vet... but I think the best support and info is going to come from this group.......

I will look in and see what is going on with that group....

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