Its been almost 3 months since my second abortion and I am struggling with the after effects.
I was raped at 11 and unable to deal with it i spiralled, resorting to drugs and numerous meaningless sexual encounters.
At 17 I fell pregnant, I was so drugged up it took me almost 3 months to realize. The father was an addict too who's responce to my news was "don't make your problems mine" My mother was unemployed but my brother in law offered to pay for the termination. I had no choice in the matter as I was under age and still under my mothers roof. It was an incredibly painful experience both physically and emotionally but I got through it...slowly..and many years later I was able to forgive myself, but I swore I'd never go through that again. Many years have passed, I've been in one very abusive relationship, through several more drug addictions but I was finally getting on track. I had a great job , was looking good and feeling great and I'd met the man of my dreams.
Robert was everything a girl could hope for..until the abortion.
We'de been dating for 9 months and living together for 3 when i found out I was pregnant. I didn't know what to do. Robert has 3 kids from 2 prev marraiges , I'd just started a new job, mum had lost her job and there was just no way we could support a baby, plus I'd had an accident earlier that year that and my back was still healing and painful
All these good reasons ....but i didn't want to do it. I loved Robert and I REALLY wanted his child, I tried to discuss this with him and he said we should look at the pro's and cons....the list of cons was about 6 or 7 i dont remember....the only pro...."we'de have a lovely baby". It broke my heart, I felt he didn't want to have a child with me and I was all alone in this murder.
As this time it was early days, I decided to go for the home abortion.....it was horrible, i did it at night so as not to disturb my work. Robert was working late. It was so painful, I didn't want to bother mum so went to our room and cried, he got home late that night...drunk...told me all about his day, then ...almost as an after thought asked me.."how are you?" I said "in pain" he said..oh ok...and went to bed 
the miscarraige carried on through the night and the next day...I'd never seen so much blood and struggled to working knowing my murdered child was spilling out between my thighs. 5 days later i went for a check up at the clinic ..only to find out, that it hadn't worked properly, the featus was gone but there was still alot of tissue...I was have to go through the clinical procedure immediately.. OH NO! NOT AGAIN! not that horrible sucking. It was worse then the first time, far more painfull and memories washed over me...i was 17 again and so so scared.
Robert bought me flowers and chocolates that night, he was so worried but i didn't see it, i was lost again, back at 17, alone ,confused, a child with a womans body, doing things only a woman does. My emotions were everywhere, I became someone else and dark evil thoughts krept up and took hold. "Robert doesn't love me" "he doesn't want children with me" I not worth it" i'm just a used up slut, ex druggie" The next day, i really needed to talk to him but he was really busy at work and didn't have time to keep emailing me. Quite understandable but i took it completely the wrong way. I started chatting up some stranger on facebook, gave him my work email, told him things i would never have normally, told him about ex lovers that had been "larger" then robert. I don't know why i brought that up. Robert is not small but somehow in my heart i wanted to hurt him, make him feel as small and worthless as i was feeling. I didn't really mean it but i was being a total bitch. Acting like the stupid 17 year old again. I told this guy that if robert and i ever broke up I'd love to meet him, i don't understand why i did that, i did not want to loose robert...and yet somewhere there was this voice saying "he does not love you, you are not good enough and its only a matter of time before he realises that and leaves you, you are only good for sex, not a relationship, its always been that way and always will be"
Anyway...when i finally started coming to my senses and told this guy we'de never meet...he mailed everything to Robert, since then it has been a neverending hell, with us fighting every week, robert trying to hurt me like i hurt him, his confidence in the bedroom has disapeared because of what i said. I've destroyed the most beautiful human being and I just don't understand why....
I have not yet begun to fully morn my child
