Post Abortion Support Group

Hi. Let me introduce myself first & then see if anyone can finally help me heal.

I am a 40 year old married woman w/2children. I had an abortion 6months ago. When my husband & I found out we were pregnant again we completley panicked & wanted to resolve the problem as quick as possible. I was 6 weeks when I terminated the pregnancy. At the time my husband & I did not have a steady relationship. We would fight alot-epecially about money. Out relationship was on a constant roler coaster. One week good one week bad. I guess when I got pregnant that was a good week. Anyway, we both decided that for the sake of our marriage & children it was best not to add another stress factor to an already stressful situation. My therapist agreed & I told myself that this was the right thing to do since my husband & therapist were both on board. Man, was I wrong. Yeah, I got rid of one problem but added even more problems into my life. I have not been right since. I had to go on medication (zoloft) to help me deal w/the guilt & pain. To this day I hate myself for what I did & would do anything to change it. The only good that came out of it is that my husband & I are actually in a much better place together. Because of what I did it made me realize what is really important in life & changed my whole way of thinking in turn made my husband like this "changed" person better therefore making our realationship stronger.

I just want to finally come to terms with this & find a way to forgive myself. It brought me closer to God & I pray alot asking God to please forgive me & help me forgive myself.

Does anyone have any advice they can give me to help me learn how to finally put this mistake behind me & forgive myself. I hope this support group can help me cope better on a daily basis b/cause it is really really hard. Thanks so much. May God Bless you all!!!

Lola

Lola, honestly, it sounds as tho you are doing all the right things. The fact that you and your husband have resolved some marital problems really says a lot. You just need to give yourself time to heal. I am not a big believer in meds or G-d. But, I think that when hit with crisis you need to feel your own way through and you are doing that. When I had an abortion it was 25 years ago and I was very isolated and there were no community resources I was aware of. Mental health clinics are pretty common place now but were an aberration then. Do what feels right to you in order to heal. Be wary of the meds, tho. You are grieving. I don't know if you really want to medicate that. It's a process but it will pass if you allow yourself to remember that you had reasons for your action that you felt were legitimate.

Be good to yourself and post anytime.

Post edited by: sharone, at: 01/29/2010 11:31 AM

Hi sharone, thanks for your imput. I totally get what you are saying about meds but honestly, I probabaly should have been on meds long ago. I have been battling anxiety & OCD for years...that is why I started seeing a therapist 6 years ago. This incident is what finally pushed me over the edge. My anxiety & OCD triggered into high gear & there was no stopping it. The meds have helped w/that. As far as forgivness goes...I don't think there is a pill in the world that could help me forgive myself. I sometimes want to get pregnant again just to replace what I did. Do you think that is a good idea?? Please tell me... how do I forgive myself. I try to be good to myself & say it will just take time but that is a very hard concept & belief to grasp. I thank you so much for your previous response. I look forward to chatting more. God Bless You!!!Lola

I'm not sure how you forgive yourself. I really am inclined to believe that guilt is something imposed on us externally. Because I wasn't raised in a community that saw abortion as a sin, the way churchgoers/religious are, I think forgiving myself was not the big issue after the abortion. You probably don't want to get pregnant again tho. I think you'd really regret that. After all, you had real reasons for having the abortion. But, I think you need to talk this stuff out. I would recommend therapy and keep posting here.

I'd really re-examine the whole guilt thing, tho. I know I beat myself up after the abortion for years and years and years. I really wanted to carry that fetus to full-term. I wanted it to grow to a child I could hold and love. I beat myself up because it wasn't until I was pregnant that I realized I was in a situation that wasn't suitable to child-rearing. I beat myself up for being young and ignorant and losing something so valuable. I beat myself up because it was such a debilitating process and I knew some part of me was lost forever.

But I didn't feel I needed to punish myself with guilt. I accepted my decision as being the right one at the time. Somehow, it took me a long time to realize this, but, somehow I realized that when we are that young we are ignorant unless we're educated to understand what's at stake. And, in your situation, you were married and pregnancy does happen. Do you really have anything to forgive yourself for? You made the best decision at the time. You can grieve your loss, but don't doubt yourself, don't confuse the two. Feel the pain. Life is tough. Terrible sometimes. But don't let one mistake follow another. Don't have a child as a reaction to your loss. That would definitely not be fair to your child.

Go get a therapist, Lola. Talk it out. Let yourself learn to live w/your decision and w/your loss. Humans have great potential to embrace a lot of experiences and a lot of emotion. Enjoy the companionship of your husband.

Think things through!

Post edited by: sharone, at: 01/30/2010 02:56 AM

Thanks again...Sharone. For the past 2 days your words of wisdom have undoubtedly helped me see & feel things much differently. I actually feel better than I have in a while. I completley understand what you are saying about guilt being imposed on us externally. I grew up in a very Catholic community- abortion was the unsaid. Although I do know many girls in my hometown neighborhood who have had an abortion. I guess its just going to take time to fully accept this decision. It feels good to finally be able to open up & talk about this issue which has been eating me up for months. I am seeking therapy however. I have been going to the same therapist for the past 6 years. I see my therapist every 2-3 weeks. I guess it is easier to talk to someone who has been through the same thing as I have. I feels comforting to know that I am not alone. I hope to hear from you soon. You truly have a gift of inspiring w/your words of wisdom. May God Bless You!!

Lola

Actually, Lola, sometimes I just piss people off. So, I'm really glad this is helpful to you. Yeah, I think it's a real benefit to be around people who've walked in our shoes. The truth is, these people who are so smug, who haven't experienced this, think they're somehow superior. But, gee whiz, it's amazing that there aren't MORE 'unwanted' pregnancies. I credit the pro-choice activists with that because they deal disseminating tools like contraceptives and education rather than the pro-life approach which is well, guilt. I say 'unwanted' loosely because I really, personally, haven't run across any woman who didn't want her baby. When members of society condemn women straight off, condemns the outcome, w/o even considering the behaviors/situation that led to the outcome, I tend to think we're dealing w/a self-serving mentality, a pretty immature, arcane approach to problem-solving. Quite honestly, the church is the same church that found its strong-hold in the dark ages, so it's not really an organization that is functioning in the modern era. And, again, I have to be careful to say that many of my best friends are church-going people whom I have great respect for but who also share my views.

Oooh, I do get on a soap-box. I just want women to stop with the guilt. That is the most unnecessary feeling when they're already going through so much anyway.

Again, Lola, I really think it's something very important for you that somehow you and your husband have found one another again through this process. Kudos to you for having achieved that! That behavior inspires me and I guess I don't fully know why because I'm single at the moment! But, somehow it gives me hope.

Hopefully, being here and sharing gives you a way to focus your therapy sessions so you know better what you need to talk through, what specifically ails you! Be well! Big hugs! Glad you are finding relief.

Well, I had a good few days until.....I went to church yesterday to pray in front of the alter & as I was walking out the doors.....there it was.... A HUGE right for life poster w/pictures & quotes about pro-life & the wrong doings of abortion. Well that set me back tremendously. The guilt & shame just came right back in me like a cancer spreading through my body. I HATE myself for what I did. Last night I went off on my husband. Telling him how unfair this whole experience is for me. He gets to walk away & not feel half the guilt I'm feeling for 2 reasons: #1 he is a man & #2 he did not go through the procedure. It really sucks. I told him I need more comfort & support from him to help me get over this hump. I make some strides but I always get set back. I think about the abortion every single day of my life- it is in & out of my thoughts on a daily basis. Am I crazy Sharone?? I am in therapy, I am on medication...what more is it going to take to help me move on & finally put this very big mistake behind me. I know it was a mistake & I regret it but I cannot change what happened only accept it...my question is how can I accept it fully & keep with that? I want to get better I really do...but it is such a struggle. I keep telling myself I am not the only woman in the world that has ever done this. Please give me some words of wisdom...& maybe if there are others out there that you know who have been through this experience as well please tell them to respond to this as well. Thank you -May God Bless You!!!

Lola

It will take time to understand your feelings. Then it'll take more time to separate your feelings and lastly address them. There's a lot there. I think you have to be careful of who you blame, tho. Your husband didn't have the same experience as you, as time goes on, it's easier for him to put it behind him and just like for you, very necessary if he's going to heal.

So, tell me this, you go into church and you go for spirituality and religion. Why is politics in your church? Why does politics have any business in church? You were straightening out your thoughts and feelings before seeing that poster. If you look at the hierarchy of the church, it's overwhelmingly white and male. If your own husband is not able to hang with you as you go through the trials of sorting out your personal experience of the abortion, why do you think that any policies coming from other men are going to take your thoughts and feelings into consideration?

The church has its own agenda. The church's agenda is very narrow, self-serving and restrictive. The church's agenda is based on survival of the church. Not only that you've got centuries of this kind of control. It doesn't only have to do with abortion and women's reproductive rights, it sets up narrow rules of behavior on everything.

Lola, I think you would benefit if you reduced your struggle to your own experience. Your husband is healing himself, he has to, it's survival. He's trying to be there for you but really, he can't walk in your shoes. The church just wants you to feel bad for your decision. It's how they control the masses. Well, fine, if you accept that. But, you're a mother. You need to find peace with your decision, not be condemned for it.

You have to decide how completely you want to heal. Is it possible for you to find the support you need (therapy, here, etc) so that you can also heal from this? What I mean is tune out outside influences such as the church and tune into your own feelings and thoughts for the next few years. Go internal. Think for yourself about what this experience has meant. Think for yourself about how to get through it. Think for yourself about where you want to be in your healing in 5 months and 5 years and 10 years. I would want to forgive myself. It's hard enough to do when you have religious leaders who will never be faced with this dilemma themselves condemning this behavior solidly w/o consideration for the individual circumstances.

I'm pretty sure that your G-d is not condemning you for being human. I'm pretty sure that condemnation is coming from the guys who are interpreting G-d for their own benefit.

I do hope you choose to continue to heal. You are a mother with 2 kids. Forgive your husband for going through it himself in his own, seemingly selfish, way. It probably hurt him, too. There's support for you out there, Lola. I hope you will find a therapist who will help. Tonya and I will be here, too, and any other person who chooses to chime in is welcome.

Please don't beat yourself up. Remember you're grieving. You need to take care of yourself. Approach it that way w/your kids and w/your husband. Remind them all that for a while, mom's going to need to take it easy and pamper herself. You'll get through it. I know you will. You keep on working it through and trying to figure it out and you are the perfect candidate for working it through. Eventually, life will feel good again. You will never forget but this experience will make you even more able to love and love deeply and give in a way you never could before. The church loses in a large way by picking and choosing who they condemn and who they embrace. But, I embrace you! Continue to be the best mother you can be and take care of yourself! Big hugs!

it wont be easy Lola. you have your own time to forgive yourself. dont beat yourself up. you will know in time.give yourself the benefit of doubt. it is wonderful you understand what happened. it is a greiveing process.

i love your honesty sharone.