Post Abortion Support Group

Hello, I'm new to this group and new to the whole online forum thing so this is a really big (and pretty nerve racking) step for me! The reason I'm here is because I need to talk about how I'm feeling before I go nuts and from what I've read people on here seem really nice. I had an abortion in Feb 2009. My baby would of been one year old last Tuesday. My boyfriend and I weren't together when I got pregnant and we'd only known each other a few weeks. I had just come out of a really long term relationship and he was with someone at the time (horrible I know - please dont judge me!) I didn't really talk to him about it much and he avoided the issue as much as possible. I had the abortion as I felt like it was the easy way out at the time but I have never regretted anything so much in my life. We ended up getting together a few months after the abortion, which I never thought would happen, and we're actually really happy now. The only problem is, I am the kind of person that if something upsets me I need to talk about it, and he's the opposite. I have no idea how to even start talking to my bf about it, and I do really want to open up to him about it so badly. I love him to bits and we talk all the time about having kids and stuff but whenever I feel like I want to talk about the abortion the words don't come out as I just feel like I should be over it by now!! It's been a long time but it still feels so raw, I still feel that horrible emptiness and that sense of guilt. I doubt myself loads, and my self confidence is not half of what it was and I always find myself thinking why would he want to be with me when I couldn't even do the one thing I was designed to do.

I think this has all surfaced again because my bf told me the other week that one of his friends has just found out his gf is pregnant. They hadn't been together long and were in a similar situation to us when we found out. They are keeping the baby, moving into a house together, etc happy families. Good luck to them so why did this news hit me like a train? Why do I feel so jealous? Honestly when he told me I felt like the breath had been knocked out of me. I hate feeling like this. Why are they strong enough to give it a go and why wasn't I strong enough? He mentioned in a conversation just before he left for work this evening that he'd seen the ultrasound picture - an innocent enough remark, so why did this make me cry for an hour and a half after he'd left the house?? I feel like I'm losing the plot! I know he knew it'd upset me as he kept hugging me and saying what's wrong right up until he left, I just don't think either of us knows what to do or say to make it better so we avoid it.

Thank you for reading I'm sorry if I went on a bit I just have so much on my chest to get off. I would really appreciate any advice or kind words. I feel loads better already having come on here as so many people are in a similar boat. Thanks xx

Hi

I am know feeling of getting some of the feelings out there, it really is a good one. Also know you are not alone. Feeling alone is something that I have struggled with a lot and realizing that I am not gave me an instant feeling of relief. It can be very hard to even know where to begin with all of what you are feeling. I wish I could say that is goes away so quickly but as you can see it doesn’t, but things do get better over time. I too have my days where I wonder why I “couldn’t do it,” when so many around me were able to. When you chose abortion you did what you thought was best for you and your baby at the time. Anniversaries can be the worst at times especially at first; I still think of my baby on my due date and I go over the what ifs and so on. What I have to remind myself is that I did what I thought needed to be done. My baby’s father is a part of my life, a complicated part but nonetheless a part of my life! Recently we started talking about what we did and the choice that was made. It was very hard to open that door of communication and talk about something that was/is so painful for the both of us. The nice thing is we are actually able to laugh about some things surrounding that time in our lives which I thought I’d never be able to do. I have to say that he was more willing to talk about it than I thought. He thought that since I never brought it up I never wanted to talk about it so he left it alone and dealt with his feelings by himself. It will be hard to start the conversation with your bf but I think it will help with the healing. Although he may not be forthcoming with his own feelings his being there for you when you were so upset in the situation you were talking about shows that he seems willing to be there for you.

What you have to do is take it one step/day at a time and remember that you are grieving. Try not to beat yourself up about your decision part of the healing process will be to forgive yourself for what you decided to do. I started therapy which has really helped as well. And remember that you are not alone. Feel free to friend me and/or private message me if you would like to talk more.

1st of all welcome to this loving group and congrats on reaching out! you are stronger than me-it took me til my 2nd unfortunate anniversary to admit that i just couldn't handle it anymore. you are so much stronger than you realize. believe me-i have thought the exact same thing as you. my boyfriend and i had been dating for a year when we had sex for the 1st time. 2 months later, i was pregnant...1 week later, i wasn't anymore... we have struggled with this together which, i feel, can be so much harder than dealing with it solo. you have to understand how your partner grieves and deal with the fact that it's different than the way you grive. we all deal with it in different ways.

i feel so close to you, because you said exactly what i've been saying every day of my life for the past 2 years; "shouldn't i be over this already." i constantly ask myself why it still bothers me. i will tell you what i have learned from all of the strong, amazing women here: you hurt so much and care so much because you have such a big heart. it is a really special thing that you are struggling with it-i swear i don't mean that in a bad way lol it is agonizing, but you are not like a lot of women. you hurt. you can't just forget it. it affects you because you care so much, because even though you didn't have the baby, you loved that baby. you are dealing with a loss. on top of that you are probably dealing with guilt from your decision. you are dealing with questions of your strength and probably so many other unanswered questions.

it is great that you 2 are still together, but boy do i ever understand how it feels to be the girl who needs to talk about it and have a guy who takes the strong and silent type to new levels! see, for him, it hurts too much to talk about. he seriously can't talk about it. i like have to talk about it...it makes for a few bumps in the road lol i know you are dealing with that too. big hint-you have gotta' let him know that comments like the one he made was insensitive and inconsiderate during your current state of mind. you have to be open and honest with him and let him know how much hurt you are holding in your heart. holding things like this in is like a poison. it controls your mind, your thoughts, your dreams/nightmares, even your actions. until you let it out, it will continue to poison you. you have done a great thing by joining this group. i know how hard it is. just reading the word "abortion" stings...2 years later and i still cringe at the sound. but i will tell you something so wonderful-since joining this group, he and i have grown closer. i have been able to get it out without dragging him back into the thoughts that he can't handle. he is happy that i am getting help. i am sure if your man knew what you were going through, he would want to help. talk to him sweetie. and you can talk to me ANYTIME!!! i am here to help, honey! i feel a link to you-we think alike message me anytime, love! *big hugs*

Hi, lunadreamer21 and ItStillHurts thank you so much for your support and kind words! It's so refreshing to hear the things you say, and it's made me realise I should give myself a break! Since writing this my bf came home after work and cooked me a really nice dinner. He could see I'd been upset and he just said I know why you're upset and I'm stupid for not realising straight away what had upset you. We still haven't really talked in depth about it but he said last night it will always be with you but it will get easier. I have never really credited him with so much understanding, and I guess I've probably been a bit selfish throughout and not really considering at all how he feels about it. I think I've been so absorbed by how it makes me feel I never stopped to consider the fact that he might be struggling with it as well.

I agree with you lunadreamer (we are on a v. similar wavelength!) when you say that holding all this hurt in your heart is poisonous. It's made me lose so much confidence in myself and I find myself constantly questioning my every decision. It's so destructive! I am so relieved though that this is not all in my head! I have never spoken to anyone who has been through the same thing before so I didn't know that other people felt the same as me! It is a revelation to say the least! Big hugs to you both xxxxx

no on is here to judge. thats why we come here not to be judged.people like us arent alone. its ok that you needed someone. we dont think straight when we are lonely or hurt.just remember it will take time.