Self Esteem & Positive Thinking Support Group

For those of you who know me, I have a very busy life and it's overwleming and very stressful for me. Some in life may be able to handle doing this and that, running all over creation to go here and there and accept everyone's calls and invites to party's and celebrations. But for me, it's overwelming and I'm very unhappy. I have no me time to do something I'd like to do. I have been suffering with insomnia my who life and it has ruined my functioning. I function only half of what I should or could during any given day. I'm very tired and run down alot and it's takes alot of effort for me to manage daily expectations for those in my life. I try to say no to things and the other person usually says "Oh come on, come relax and have a good time", but they don't understand that it's stress for me, not a good time usually. My entire days focus around other people and not me. I get so depressed about my life like this that I sometimes just lay in bed during the week and try to escape everyone and everything. Why don't people understand? Why can't they just accept when I say no or say I have too much to do. I never bug people when they say they can't do something. Why do they do it to me? Rachele

Rach sweet friend, You need to start practising being truly assertive with loved ones in a calm assertive manner(learning to be your own best friend) then they will accept your No as no- only then can you start to have more You time as well as more peace. Also, maybe certain individuals maybe toxic so you may need to set firm boundaries with them too.

"Have the courage to say no.Have the courage to face the truth.Do the right thing because it is right.These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.”~W. Clement Stone

Here are some helpful links especially for you

http://www.beautyfool.net/how-to-say-no-without-feeling- guilty/

http://www.nataliedee.com/111205/no-no-no-no.jpg

How to avoid a guilt trip

•Use their words against them. Sometimes what they say is just so ridiculous, it's hard for them to back them up when they actually hear them. Expose to them the situation so they might have a chance to understand what's going on

•Don't show ambivalence. This just encourages them to go on with their campaign, and can undermine your confidence. Be able to say no, listen to what they say, and stand your ground. Sometimes this is enough to ward off guilt and guilt trips.

•Analyze what their intentions are. Do they want the best for you? Does what they say have any sense in it? Or can you see something in what they say that would lead to a benefit solely for them?

•Find a balance. Of course you can't have everything you want, but don't let them manipulate you into their desires.

•Make sure that everyone understands the situation. Maybe things seem weird because the issue isn't completely out in the open and understood. Terms and conditions should be clear.

•Analyze the relationship that you share. Is this something that happens a lot? Are you happy with the relationship that you share? This could be a great chance to make things better. Maybe even therapy is in order.

http://skywriter.wordpress.com/2010/12/13/how-to-pick-up-on- manipulative-behavior-and-guilt-trips/

http://www.sheerbalance.com/mind-body/5-typical-behaviors- of-manipulative-people/

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Why-Saying-No-Is-Saying-Yes-to- Yourself

All the GL's are here for you Rach- so lean on us- we will try to help you as much as we possibly can.

Would also urge you to seek out either a therapist, hypnotist or life coach to help you with being calm assertive, too!

Know that you can achieve your goal to putting your needs first for once- have faith in You just as this batgirl has faith in you, okay!

Take tiny steps forward in saying no when you need to, not letting anyone send you on a guilt trip as well as taking quality time out for you as you deserve it plus this is your right as a valuable human being, okay! You can make good stuff happen for you , yet, you need to train that inner hero within you to make this so! If you need professional help in making this vision a reality then seek the professional help you need. Let your heart guide you.

You can do this Rach!!

Rooting massively for you, loving friendship always Clarita

Post edited by: Clarita, at: 10/22/2011 07:39 AM

Please check out the following links, also, on saying No with confidence/to stop being a people pleaser, enjoy

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/21-tips-to-stop-being-a- people-pleaser/all/1/

howtoimproveconfidenceforwomen.com/curing-the-pleasing- syndrome

http://o5.com/how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser/

There is a great article on Kalimunro.com called ' People Pleasing- Having Trouble saying No'- please check it out ( will not let me copy the article or the link here as it is protected.

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1390564/ how_to_stop_being_a_people_pleaser.html?cat=72

http://www.reflectionsreflections.com/2009/12/stop-being-a- people-pleaser.html

Good luck.

Let us know how you get on with practicing being calm assertive. Keep us in the loop.

Big hugs, Clarita

Hi Rachele,

Nice name by the way never heard of that name before until today, you have a unique name, go you

Anyway...

You could look at this a slightly different way. I understand the stresses and pressures on your life, and I totally understand that for you to take an hour or more out of your day is probably a nightmare.

My point is that those who are asking you, they must really like your company. So that's a good thing, no?

I mean, look, sometimes me and my friends will go do something, and there is one friend who is a little annoying. Bless them, they don't mean to be, but always talking about 'just bought this' or 'just ordered that' and after a while, it's so pathetic. So, I admit, we always invite them, and if they say 'sorry, I don't think I can make it' I will be 'oh, that's fine, another time. Sounds bad when I say this now, but, do you get my meaning?

We don't push it, because deep down, if they come fair enough, if not, it's no loss to us, we just get a night of someone not trying to out do us all.

So, for you to have some people who pester you into going out with them, and won't take no for an answer, that's a good thing I means they actually really want you to go out with them, and they want you to be there.

Taking out the equation that you don't really have the time, I mean wow. That must make you feel good, no? To have some friends, or people around you that like your company so much, you say no, and they keep on until you say yes. It's amazing. You must be really liked, highly regarded and a key element in their plans, if you don't go, they won't feel like they have a good time.

My point, even if you can't go, and don't have time to go, it's not a bad thing. It's an amazingly good thing. Because it's showing you just how liked and needed you are, it might be to one person or a group. Either way, you should feel darn happy about it!

I don't know anything about confidence links and self confidence websites, but I do know that saying no is just a human and normal thing, why feel bad about it? ok, put it this way, I bet people say no to you They keep saying no to me, grrr (I didn't really like them that much anyway, I keep saying to myself! *looks sheepishly away*)

It's as if you feel guilty to say no, but why? No is something we all hear from time to time. It's not a bad word, it's just honest. I think the trick here is not worrying about saying no, it is how you say it

Sound grateful, sound remorseful, just quickly explain you'd love to, but you have too much to do tonight but thank you so much for the offer. And that's all you need to do. If you keep relenting, you set yourself a precedent and it's harder the next time.

Just smile

Rach what has helped me when saying no and what has prevented others from nagging me about it is setting healthy boundaries. Google how to establish boundaries for ideas but one phrase I have used that was no questioned is "I'm working on a new time management structure and xyz task would throw it out of whack" Or " I'm limiting the amount of xyz I'm doing to help me reach one of my goals" You will find after saying those kinds of phrases a time or two, people will give you more space.

Thanks all. I am in a real a busy stage of my life right now. I have a fairly new business since last March, have two kids 11, and 8 and we are so busy with the sports on the weekend, the house doesn't get clean, barely have time to cook or call people. My husband says yes to everything and thinks we can fit everything in one day and it's overwhelming for me. I have had to prioritize and my kids come first, my extended family second and friends last. Me time, is lost. I'm unhealthy emotionally and physically to this hectic daily schedule. I just wish I could have some free days like other people. Sure they want me to come and I'm flattered but it takes so much out of me. Then I find myself there and uncomfortable or just so tired it's hard to relax and really enjoy myself. I enjoy myself with the kids thougth. We just have too much going on as a family. I wish people could understand but seems like they don't even hear what you're saying when you tell them. This is so opposite of me. If someone tells me they have stuff to do, I understand and say maybe another time, instead of giving them a hard time. I just want people to understand, it has nothing to do with them personally just time constraints with me and my family and work.

Post edited by: Peace4Rach, at: 11/01/2011 06:12 AM

Interesting thread this. I am s l o o o w w l l y learning how to be more assertive and how to say NO nicely. But it's been hard sometimes. But as Manx says it's how you say it that counts. Be nice, be courteous but be firm.

Clarita, I love the photos on this thread. Gorgeous.

Love light & sunshine

Grace .

Rach, one thing you could do is the cleaning as a family. You could pick a night, and say 'right, as a family, we need to work on this room tonight, and we can have dinner when it's done' and make it fun. Put music on, have treats for the kids, and then you're getting your housework done, but working as a family to get there. Just an idea. Another thing as well, is that it will be a worry off your mind, as I am sure you're thinking about the housework a lot of the time.

Also, as a 'reward' for doing the housework, choose a day, maybe a Sunday, and take an hour or so, to just go do something as a family. You could park somewhere and walk around a local wood or conservation area, go see some animals in a local animal park, you could go pick wild flowers to do flower pressing, or go to the local airport and watch some planes take off and land (something my parents did with me)

I have found that sometimes, you don't need to spend money, or allocate a lot of time to things, to have some good fun as a family.

And stop feeling guilty about saying no! You have nothing to feel bad about, the only reason why you feel bad is that you let others MAKE you feel bad, so stop. Putting your livelihood and family first is not a bad thing to do, so trust me, you're doing ok

Yes, your're right I shouldn't allow anyone to make me feel guilty about saying no when I feel I need to. So, I guess I just need to stick to my guns about putting myself, my work and family first. I think I'm gonna once again get my husband on board with this. We've had the talk before but seems like I have to keep having this talk all the time.

Be firm and courteous and then move on. People don't like it too bad. If they are truely your friends and close neighbors, they would understand and get over it. If they don't than oh well, nothing I can do about that.

Thanks all for your kind and support replies. Always appreciated. Hugs, Rachele

Post edited by: Peace4Rach, at: 11/02/2011 07:05 AM